Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Alk,

Don't mean to be a ball-buster, but I wanted to circle back to this, because I think it's very important. You DO see that she's only doing these things to keep you controlled, as a viable backup option while she pursues her fantasy with OM, don't you?

From my personal archives:


On “Doing What Works”:


One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."

Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.


You know my biggest problem with you Starsky (and Denver too)? It's the apologizing about the "ball-busting"! smile I very much realize that you guys are giving me input and advice that I may not want to hear, but I'll never see it as ball-busting! smile

I'd completely agree with you on what you're saying, about being a viable backup option, if I didn't think that there was a very large amount of confusion on her behalf... I don't think there is malicious intent behind her actions, and I honestly believe that she's not INTENTIONALLY trying to control... although subconsciously (and realistically) that's exactly what she's doing.

Now, I KNOW that the above seems like an excuse for her behavior, and I guess it is, to a point... And maybe it's me still looking through rose-colored glasses... But the good news is, despite these thoughts and doubts, I've resolved to take action on this and ignore the small "signs of change" while an OM is still in the picture.

I love the quote on "Short term hit"... I'm sure I'll be pulling that one into my mind plenty once I take my next serious action!

Thanks, and don't worry about the ball-busting. I can take it!