I am just keeping in touch and in need of advice. A few posts back, I mentioned that something I learned is that I can not change my W, therefore I needed to let her go (for now). I am going thru some really mixed emotions, I feel of letting her go for good, and give up on reconciliation, in the other hand I feel like letting her go (for now) and continue the fight.
I understand that love is a decision we make, something that is alive and needs to be fed every day. These past weeks I have learned so much about the negative part of W that really put me on the edge to cross the line and continue with my life and never look back. I have been working on keeping myself strong, and not to idolize my W, I do not want to cover the sun with one finger. I am also learning about my own negative ways and working on those to heal my self.
I, now, feel a bit more confident about myself. I still feel the pain of losing my family and home, but I am growing stronger and confident little by little. With this said, I have also learned that I love my W and family. I am nurturing that love with me staying away from W and SS13, they both need their space to heal. I am not putting any pressure on W, and I have left their well being on the Lord's hand.
As for me, the mix emotions come from the fear that if I keep the fight and nothing happens I will go down on a spiral. It was a real hard blow the second time W walk out and it is taking a great effor on my part to keep strong. I have put my faith on the Lord and He has kept me going. The pain is still there, but I am not feeding it, I do not want the pain to become suffering. In the other hand, I love my W and SS13 and this love keeps me going. With this said, and as I am learning not depend on them, or be the "fixer" of their lifes, I want to reconcile with my family. I want to be completely heal first and then offer to them a new beggining as a family.
I hope I'm making sense on what I am feeling. I know I love my W and SS13, I just need to find out if I love them to fight for them or to let them go for good.
The fight continues, but is for my own. I love my W, that is the truth and I love her enough to let her go. I once told her that my love for her was enormous to the point of not seeing her suffer by my side, and now I have come to the point of that.
I also promised her that I would never lose sight of her, and will always be there for her. I am still keeping this promise, I will never lose sight of her, that is why I have put her and my family on the Lord's hands. I will continue seeking for the Lord's presence and by that I will be in sight of my family.
People, the road is full of rocks, but I am not driving anymore. The Lord is in charge, and I am willing to follow him, he knows what is best.
To all of you fighting to keep your relationship with your spouse, do not give up hope. Just remember that at the end of the tunnel there is always light. For me is a new chapter in my life, without my W and SS13, but I have learned that my happiness dependens on the relationship I build with the Lord. It may sound "cheesy" and hard to believe, but our happines depends on us, not on the people you love.
I have defeated many adversities in my life, growing without my real parents, extreme poverty, growing in a place of violence and drugs where being a "school boy" is always a bad thing. I was blessed by the most awesome people I could imagine, my Ama and Apa, whom I love dearly. They are my grandparents and thanks to them I am who I am right now.
I also want to thank my WIFE because after the job my Ama and Apa did with me, she took me into her family and made it my own. She help me reshape my self from a boy to a man. Thanks Reinita, and all my blessing are out to you.
I want to say I have fully forgiven her, but it will be a lie because my heart still hurts and longs for her presence. This does not mean I have not accepted that she is no longer with me, and as time progresses my acceptance that she is living her won life grows.
I once said: " I want a better me, I am a better man, will continue to grow to be that man" , with this I now understand that I am being blessed with time to do just that.
Just another day.. I am keeping strong, it has been 2 weeks since the last time I saw my family. It has been hard, but I have been praying for a better me. The Lord has blessed me every single day, He is with me all the way and even though sometimes I do not feel His presence, I know He is there because I still have the desire to keep going forward on becoming a bit better man as days go by.
To all of you struggling with your marriage, do not give up on the hope. After all the troubles pass away, you will see that all the struggles you are going trhu will make you stronger, wiser and a better person.
Do yourself a favor, and do not dwell on the pain, it clouds your heart, your mind and will destroy any posibilities to be the best you can be. Right now we all have a gift given by our distant spouse: The gift of time, please, use it wisely. I stole this phrase from Eric to whom I wish him all the blessings of the Lord.
Amen doubleAA!! I see you growing each and everyday that I read your posts. I to have not seen my family in almost 2 weeks, but this is mainly due to me being on travel. I talk with my kids every night & keep thanking the Lord for that opportunity. And thanking him, knowing that I will have them at home with me by my side when I return from travel.
I have also been blessed with a sense of peace & steadfast mind through this entire ordeal, and although at the beginning I wanted it to just be over; I am not sure I would trade it in for anything. I see myself grow each and everyday & work on the internal issues that I have and have projected into my "M" that have contributed to the current downfall of our R.
Something that Starsky said to me toward the beginning of my posts was: "Just because you are Detaching and Letting go, doesn't mean you are giving up"!
It took me awhile for that to sink in, and it equated to a simple line "Let Go and Let God".
Keep fighting the good fight & God Speed to you Brother!
I spoke to my SS last week, but it was just a simple moment. I could feel he was being manipulated to end the call right away. I ask him how he was doing and that I miss him, he just said "ok" and hang up.
They are now living with XW's S20, but for what I know she might be moving in with OM. I will keep an eye on my SS13 thru his older brothers and will continue to be the best Dad I could be for him.
Yes sir, "Let go, and let God". I fought my fight the way I believed it was best. I failed, so now I am letting God fight my fights, I am not in control and never was on the situations that happen in my struggles. I, therefore, have to kneel down with all my pride and all my burdens in front of the Lord and ask him to take the load of my shoulders. He has done so, day by day, night by night.
Again people, Keep up the faith: It ain't over, till you decide it is over!!
One more other thing: Cherish every single moment you spend with your family, loved them as always and do not portray yourself as a defeated person. Remember, the Lord made us pillars of our families and they (including spouse) depend on our strength to keep going.
Suppo, you are a blessed man. You have the opportunity to have your kids with you. In my case, I have no legal rights over SS13, and XW has forbidden me to have any contact with him. This is just a huge rock on the way.. I am just being patience for the Lord to remove it out of the way. I will see my SS13 when the Lord decides is the right time.
