MLC with depression....double the fun!

[greatwhitenorth]

And maybe when you come home from having a great day you say "How was your day, H?" and get his answer, which you DON'T INTERNALIZE. And then tell him "We did xyz and had a really fun time. Maybe you want to come with us next time." And leave it at that. If he says no, just say "OK." If he says yes, then great, Share the details at the right time. Try different things on and see what works in terms of drawing him out.

Maybe a goal can be getting him to accompany your family on an outing sometime. But dont' do it like a bull in a china shop. Be light and subtle like a ballerina. If any of that makes sense!!

And Timbits is right....his mood doesn't mean you can't enjoy life.

Again, good luck.

[DaddyLongShanks]

And maybe when you come home from having a great day you say "How was your day, H?" and get his answer, which you DON'T INTERNALIZE. And then tell him "We did xyz and had a really fun time. Maybe you want to come with us next time." And leave it at that. If he says no, just say "OK." If he says yes, then great, Share the details at the right time. Try different things on and see what works in terms of drawing him out.

Maybe a goal can be getting him to accompany your family on an outing sometime. But dont' do it like a bull in a china shop. Be light and subtle like a ballerina. If any of that makes sense!!

And Timbits is right....his mood doesn't mean you can't enjoy life.

Again, good luck.

Share some positive emotions with the poor guy. He might just be waiting from that from you, and it's hurting him that it's not coming.

[albamarie]

Having an understanding of all of this does help ease some of the PAIN.

Yes, knowledge is power. It helps me know that I’m smarter than some of the decisions I’ve made.

You don't have to feel guilty for getting out and having a good time!

It’s that whole letting him go thing. I don’t know day to day if he wants me around, company to talk to, or if it’s an alone day. I have given him to much power over that even though he never asked for it, I freely tethered myself to this house, him, the kids.

Don’t want to admit it because *it means their weak. * Which it doesn't. My H told me he's never been lower in his life that he can't get any lower, and in the next breath said he's not depressed.

You hit it! I’m have not been on that coaster since I found this site with no intentions of getting back on. I do not want to get sucked into any one else’s condition again. H has been much quieter lately, not quit the vampire of the last 2yrs, too bad I wasn’t stronger and smarter sooner.

He is definitely peeking his head out of the tunnel looking for any sign of life.

Get his answer, which you DON'T INTERNALIZE

The hardest thing I’ve ever done…but the most beneficial thing I’ve had to learn so far. I was getting sick (high blood pressure, stomach issues) from the anxiety I was putting myself through by internalizing every word H would say. Now I realize it’s a spew with half-truth behind it…thanks to this site.

Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom…I do listen, read and reread everything.

Today was a good mix of me, kids, H, family life. Notice I put me first!

[albamarie]

My H is bored being home now that work has slowed down... his approach is different then anger or depression this time. He is reaching out to my D18 for attention. Being playful, making pancakes, laughing - it's a nice change - making it easier for me to live in this house.

H noticed (5wks later) the new cement work I had done on the side of the house. He complimented a job well done...to my surprise...while continuing to comment on his delight about my new car, job prospect, and work with the kids.

I have to say this is reminiscent of my H (the man I knew) mixed in with this new guy...I don't really like.

We don't talk about our R, M, nothing heaving about us. He has not mentioned moving out, D idea, being alone, none of that baggage of the last 15 months.

He calles it his limbo stage....directionless...but still stable here at home with "his" family that nobody can take away from him, "the one thing'' in his life, "they" can't take.

I have to say this is kinda getting to me...I hate limbo...I'm proactive...what is there to be in LIMBO about. Life is here...everyday...live man, live!

How long can I hold on to a R without love, affection, attention, fun, romance, commitment, all those things that help you feel good about yourself, those feelings of anticipation.

I'm bored of this....I'm bored with being the nice guys so I don't rock the unstable guy in the room.

[albamarie]

We're stagnent, that's it! We're not fighting, not recommitting, not really in a R, no apologies, no forgiveness, but time goes on...so we are just caught up in the movement.

I read this here: I just "crash." I feel it coming on and I simply crash.

That's a great way to describe what I feel!

[albamarie]

Nothings fixed...I didn't break it...I can't fix it!

So suffer through...endure...act as if, when your screaming in your head, I want more or out of this, wackadoodoole! I never call him that but in my head there is and angry little me that means it!

I ask myself "if I won tons of money today, what would I do"...

[zig]

I read this here: I just "crash." I feel it coming on and I simply crash.


i know that feeling and doing that - and i did it for far too long.

For me i'm beginning to see it as my "comfort Zone" - it's easier to sink into that crashing feeling, go with it and just get consumed by it.

after all - it's very familiar and therefore "safe" and much much easier than doing the tougher thing..

after all it's what the WAS is doing....

so just recently I made a commitment not to crash, or if I couldn't help it, to crash slowly and more gently - to do it differently.

I started reading Pema Chodron a year ago - and oddly enough this sentence of hers - took a year to penetrate my brain - now i find myself saying it when I start to crash -

If you have to itch, then itch in slow motion

The itch basically refers to crashing - so if we cannot resist crashing, then at least crash slowly - be aware that you are crashing, be aware that you are choosing to crash, but mostly be aware that you can make the choice not to crash.

and that way, we can gently get ourselves out of that complete black hole that we sink into... even if it's only once in a while, it's way more than never

zig

[albamarie]

my H just left for work informing me that he is trying to "come home" and there is some sort of taking care of the house that he needs to do to begin his journey.

But, as he begins to clean and fix things around here it brings him back to his anger, about loosing the house we were building, and how we out grew this one.

my goodness one would think we lived in a hut, on a hill, in bff, listening to him. He clinched his fists and said he is just revealing a small amount of the anger within.

He said his anger is not towards any of us, he will use it towards work in order to push on.

During this I stayed very quiet...didn't feed him any words for him to spew back at me. He smoked his cigarette outside, calmed himself down, washed up and kissed me good by.

I didn't even know he was trying to "come home". He didn't say anything...what is he coming home too. Kids that last time they spoke it was in an argument.

Me, the one he has not made any effort to discuss our future with. Or, the me that wants feel there is a hint of my H in there...hear an apology, a plan to make things better, is the EA really over, do you love me, trust, my goodness I can go on and on.....

this is not a start, this is one of his setting himself up to fail bad plans and he's putting me in the middle. I never agreed to "trying" try what...nothing is fixed, different, even talked about.

i feel like a mirage is in the horizon and he's going to put all his effort into reaching it, only to say "well, see I tried, nothing worked"!

i feel like i need to nip this, say something, nudge him toward a more realistic, healthy approach to being with his family, so that the 'family" may actually have a say as to what we all expect, need, want...

I find this very arrogant of him, manipulative even!

[greatwhitenorth]

Mabe I'm missing something, but to express that he is trying to come home (do reconnect it sounds like) and sharing his thoughts and fears about that is neither arrogant nor manipulative.

The key things you learn here are that this takes time, you need to get a life, and the wrong move at the wrong time can scare the WAS away. Stop being hostile and show your H some compassion. Not sure if you ever listed the four things you'd like to focus on that KD and I asked you about ages ago, but you're too hung up on your H's every word and deed. If you can't be strong and caring for him when he's in this place then I don't know how you expect reconciliation.

Get a life (a new car is not GAL, by the way), set the terms of your reconciliation (for your eyes only) and be kind. Are you learning anything from depression fallout?

[albamarie]

the reason i consider it arrogant is because he did not, has not, discussed anything about this with me. it feels as if he just wants to be able to do what he wants, when he wants, because he can.

I mean really, if he want to be a H, a father, have a R, wouldn't there be a mature, rational, man behind those thoughts. A man that would have come to me, talked things through a little, discussed some plan of action, agree to some terms (for both of us)?

Every story I read about a marriage in repair, there is communication, understanding, forgiveness, a learning of how to be together again after the pain. Not, oh by the way, I've been trying to ''come home'' this last week, but certain things have to happen for "ME'' to stay on that track.

I suspect manipulation because he has worked through nothing, like he just wants to manipulate his way "home'' because it is his family, so who will stop him. After being thrown under the bus for so long...this, not working out, can easily be the platform from which he spews how he tried.

obviously he's made his mind up...so what action do I take? I know gal...stay focused on myself...but, I have learned here that healing takes two, talking, love, not bulldozing.

I never show him hostility!!!! I get sick sometimes how I have to watch him smoke, bit his nails, look as his Einstein hair, watch tv for hours, never take me out, and still I never say an unkind word.

we need to work on soo much....this is not the road to forgivingness for either on of us.

I'm sorry if i sound hostile...I really only sound that way through my writing. I am (as people say) sweet, kind, mild mannered, and require only the simple things in life to be happy.

Getting a car is an instrument for GAL...i live in the suburbs...want to work...go to the gym...go to the city...aside from H schedule, see he took "my" car for himself when his broke down (3yrs ago).

Now I have a job interview Tue. went to the health food store 20 miles away for "my" type of foods, and spent the day at the dunes with my kids. It's something!