More patience??? Really???

[sayitaintso]

Good Luck CES, thinking about you.

[zig]

good luck ces - i am wishing you and your w well in my thoughts today.

i hope you get everything you wish for and more

thanks also for supporting me through my difficult day

((((((( ))))))
zig

[ces67]

Thanks all, MC went well. It was our first time back in a year so we didn't really get into too much. Our MCr was good to say how glad she was to see us and how proud she was that we had returned. She mentioned that she was "closing out old files" and when she came across ours to close out she saw that we were on her schedule so she got to keep the file open.

No real negatives from the session. We both gave some high level summaries of where each of us were, and where we still see struggles. We both agreed that neither of us feel safe in dealing with conflict. W said she still feels as if she is being attacked when topics come up and I simply said it didn't feel safe to get into these conversations.

I spoke about some personal discoveries of my patterns learned as I grew up and how they were negatively impacting me and our M. Our MCr picked up on this and took the conversation a bit further which allowed my W to talk about the impacts to her growing up in an abusive/alcoholic home.

So from this, we have homework to identify our patterns for dealing (or avoiding) conflict that we will talk about at our next appt.

And after the appt, I asked my W if she wanted to go to lunch and so we went and had lunch together. We didn't talk about the session and it was kind of quiet at first, but we went and that is definitely a first since the last time we had MC, we typically left feeling a bit wounded and hurt.

Still lots to deal with but it was a very good step in a good direction. I was very aware of my thoughts/feelings and kept my mouth shut to avoid anything that could come out accusatory. So the counseling could remain someplace that felt safe for her.

I also appreciate that our MCr acknowledged that as things improve that I personally may end up struggling with my wounds because I've had to delay dealing with my hurt while I wait for my W to be willing to take part in our healing. She said that is normal and I'm glad my W got to hear that as well. But that is for another day in the future and I have no pressing need to get there before its time.

[labug]

=@@=

[zig]

ces - i hope you are feeling good at this wonderful little progress that has happened in yours and your w's life.

I have been following along (and yes, guilty of not replying to your last post to me, and yes my arms were sore from 2 x4'ing so i gave it a rest ;)) and what i have felt reading what you have been writing is that you have worked well at letting go of a lot of resistant thoughts about your wife and the progress that was/ wasn't being made

i think that today's results have a lot to do with the work you have done - and i hope you see that too

i'm so glad for you dear friend - and i hope that you feel a bit encouraged.

and how big was that for you - an acknowledgement (if not from your wife, the next best thing,, your mc) that there are your hurts that exist also? i hope that you can look to that for some comfort as you go through this process until it is your turn?

trust that it WILL come, but don't expect any specific when.

(((((( )))))
zig

[ces67]

Hey Zig, Thanks for the hugs. An believe me, I'm not saying I didn't need the 2x4's. I just had to process them. I always appreciate the time and effort you put into your feedback.

More journal stuff;

Life continues to be a better normal. My W has made some comments lately that show some self-realization on her part.

First, she is worried about our D10 because she has not made close friendships in our new home like she had in our previous home. W indicated to our MCr that she see this as a mirror of how she has refused to adjust to our new home and what she is doing to help our D10 adjust as well.

Second, W made the comment about her frustrations with herself and how she spends money. This opened up another opportunity last night.

W told me that she had written a check to get our D10 started back into dance. This required me to move money to cover the check. This also meant that if we didn't get some funds in soon, we would not have enough to make a loan payment due this week. We are expecting a check for her work but her boss is being lazy about mailing to her.

I had worked up a document to help me see where all our money was going with bills & monthly expenses and how much that left out of my paycheck. Not a pretty picture. When W brought up money again last night I pulled out this document. I let her know that I knew this was a tough topic for her and that we didnt need to discuss it now but I wanted her to see the information so she could process it a bit before we talk.

She took it without complaining and looked over it some. Not sure when we will talk it over but it makes it very clear that unless she starts helping, we will not have the money to cover everything we need and want to do. And the positive is that neither of us has retreated into our corner as a result of the issue.

[jks]

Well done... I admire how much you're really thinking this through and working through the things that would have normally caused contention. It's awesome to witness!

[ces67]

Thanks JKS, it gets easier but for me, it still has to be a conscious effort to make it happen. Just not natural yet.

Journal stuff:

First, let me start by saying after over a week of consistent behavior, it may very well be that W has officially moved back into our bedroom. The guest room has been closed off this entire time and I've woke up each morning over the past 7 or 8 days to find my w in bed with me. Of course, so is our d10's chihuahua, but I'll take the package deal if that's what's needed.

W's friend has still not sent her paycheck to her. This is about 3 weeks late at this point. Its making my W very frustrated and anxious. But it also has opened up opportunity for us to review our finances which is greatly needed.

W and I are working together on some decoration stuff for the house. We've decided to convert our dining room into an office. We only use it for W to do her work and the kids to do homework so it just make sense. We've tested some new colors on the wall and decided on that. So tonight we'll clean out teh room and tape off the walls for painting.

Also talked with W so that we will sell our current dining room table and use the money to buy office furniture. W has been looking for what she wants at the best price and has found sound good options.

I also have several trips coming up for work, one potential trip is to NYC. I let W know about it last night and mentioned that by that time, I should have enough flyer miles that she could join me if she liked. She's never been to NYC and really wants to go. So I am working to make it a weekend getaway for us. One challenge of our new home is childcare. We don't have family nearby to watch the kids while we get away. There is a chance my parents could come watch them. They'd love the time with them but travel isn't always easy. Regardless, I'll find a way to make it happen.

[labug]

Craigslist!

[ces67]

Yep! ^^^^ W said she was going to post it this weekend.