On Wednesday I sent H a text message mid-morning asking how he was holding up. He replied that the new owners were making the public announcements about his bosses' departure.
At 10pm I sent another text asking how he was doing and if there were any updates on his job sitch. He replied very shortly that he had gone for dinner with the new CEO, had a very candid conversation and that he still has a job for now.
I replied re-assuringly and asked what he thought of the new guy. No answer, so after an hour or so I just wished him a good night.
This morning I tried to call him before he would go to work, but he did not pick up. (I have not initiated contact with him - except for kids' stuff - in such a long time, but I thought this was a truly big thing he was going thru and he admitted to being so freaked out, that I thought reaching out to him would be a form of validation in this case.)
I thought it was weird that when this crisis hit he was open, friendly and sharing with me and then went MIA 24 hrs. later. Yes, I realize that I wondered because I had set expectations based on one really good interaction and that I should have known better.
So finally the shoe dropped around mid-day today. H sent another one of his business-like emails asking if I have retained my lawyer and if I would talk to her when I get back from my vacation with the kids. He wants to know if his L should send D paperwork to her or to me. He copied his L on it as well.
Now that the job scare is over, he is back to work with the D. He couldn't even wait until I got back from my vacation with the kids to email me about it. Nice...
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I thought it was weird that when this crisis hit he was open, friendly and sharing with me and then went MIA 24 hrs. later. Yes, I realize that I wondered because I had set expectations based on one really good interaction and that I should have known better.
Isn't it crazy how that is. I still get that from time to time, our BD is about the same time line.
Glad you noticed your reaction to it was based on expectations. Totally get that... me too...
I agree with GM that he might have thought your concern and pursuit was based on some negative intent...
In the same token, I get the sense it is still the confusion. They are still connected to us... still come to us FIRST... still TRUST us with their personal, private, scary info...
And then... it's like they just forget about us, again... my W asked me in an email yesterday about the time I would be picking up D10 today... that time has been the same for six months...
I think the biggest difference between our two sitches is, for what ever reason, your H filed... In my sitch, it will probably be me that files...
And... we move forward, regardless of the outcome...
I thought it was weird that when this crisis hit he was open, friendly and sharing with me and then went MIA 24 hrs. later.
Hi KG,
I have not posted to you before but have been following your posts recently. I just wanted to say that I noticed a similar dynamic in my sitch.. we would have a really good interaction, she would share more personal stuff about herself or her family.. and then, she would either disappear or take the next step with the D.
i wondered if the positive interactions made her feel uncertain or uncomfortable and she did not like that feeling so she quickly moved in the other direction..
but i do know the pattern now so it is not as much of a surprise.
((((((((( ))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Hi KG I need to echo all of this. I am starting to notice a similar pattern in my sitch as well.
Crazy making is an understatement.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I thought it was weird that when this crisis hit he was open, friendly and sharing with me and then went MIA 24 hrs. later.
Hi KG,
I have not posted to you before but have been following your posts recently. I just wanted to say that I noticed a similar dynamic in my sitch.. we would have a really good interaction, she would share more personal stuff about herself or her family.. and then, she would either disappear or take the next step with the D.
i wondered if the positive interactions made her feel uncertain or uncomfortable and she did not like that feeling so she quickly moved in the other direction..
but i do know the pattern now so it is not as much of a surprise.
((((((((( ))))))))))
She knows that she doesn't want to be drawn into you. She is aware.
What you can do is be successful and be confident. Those are very attractive qualities. Do it for yourself. You have to accept that the wife is already gone and operate out of this framework.
They almost always want you back when you have other option(s), but normally they will just feed you crumbs. It's kinda like they know they can rely on us to be there and only need a backup while they pursue whatever life they are doing.
Decide if you want to be a backup or not. Once you get any feeling and thought of accomidating or measuring up to her you will feel a whole bunch better. She lost that right.
i wonder if , just like we have our instinctual gut reactions in the sitch - they do too. they were always looking to us in the r to fix stuff (after all it has been confirmed that we are the fixers for the most part) and so when they are faced with the crisis they just automatically turn to us and not even realize they are doing it!
and we inadvertently fix - even by as little as letting them talk it through with us. there's old pattern there. and then when it's resolved they're off on their merry way - oblivious...
makes me wonder - on a very subtle level - how much we keep doing that in a lot of areas - which lets them keep continuing on their path because they are constantly reassured that we are still there..
how are you today kg - i have been reading your posts here as well as to tohers - you have such a kind way of validating - it's wonderful
hope you are well
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I thought it was weird that when this crisis hit he was open, friendly and sharing with me and then went MIA 24 hrs. later. Yes, I realize that I wondered because I had set expectations based on one really good interaction and that I should have known better.
Isn't it crazy how that is. I still get that from time to time, our BD is about the same time line.
Glad you noticed your reaction to it was based on expectations. Totally get that... me too... I agree with GM that he might have thought your concern and pursuit was based on some negative intent...
In the same token, I get the sense it is still the confusion. They are still connected to us... still come to us FIRST... still TRUST us with their personal, private, scary info...
I think the biggest difference between our two sitches is, for what ever reason, your H filed... In my sitch, it will probably be me that files...
And... we move forward, regardless of the outcome...
I echo this^^^^....he probably did have some financial dimensions to his situation b/c he's the one who wanted to measure the costs of YOUR existence and deduct it from his CS (werent' we suggesting you measure how much toilet paper you use, versus the kids, etc?? )
but along with that were your expectations.
The good news is he did reach out to you and you validated. Well done.
Now he's back to seeing you as the obstacle to his joy. When that belief stops jibing with reality, (& you are "out of the way") he will be affected.
Not sure which way but it won't hurt you anymore than a divorce, which is the path for now.
Keep up the great work KG.
I believe someday your h will say "wish she had made those changes sooner"
and when he does say that, the implication is clear....
"BECAUSE if she had, we'd be together as a whole family"
and I cannot believe that ^^ statement is not one of regret on his end.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I thought it was weird that when this crisis hit he was open, friendly and sharing with me and then went MIA 24 hrs. later.
Hi KG,
I have not posted to you before but have been following your posts recently. I just wanted to say that I noticed a similar dynamic in my sitch.. we would have a really good interaction, she would share more personal stuff about herself or her family.. and then, she would either disappear or take the next step with the D.
i wondered if the positive interactions made her feel uncertain or uncomfortable and she did not like that feeling so she quickly moved in the other direction..
but i do know the pattern now so it is not as much of a surprise.
((((((((( ))))))))))
She knows that she doesn't want to be drawn into you. She is aware.
What you can do is be successful and be confident. Those are very attractive qualities. Do it for yourself. You have to accept that the wife is already gone and operate out of this framework.
They almost always want you back when you have other option(s), but normally they will just feed you crumbs. It's kinda like they know they can rely on us to be there and only need a backup while they pursue whatever life they are doing.
Decide if you want to be a backup or not. Once you get any feeling and thought of accomidating or measuring up to her you will feel a whole bunch better. She lost that right.
)