Was browsing another relationship forum, and stumbled upon my H's user name. Easy from knowing him for 9 years that it was him! The temptation was bigger than me, I had to click - had to see what he was writing...and what others were saying...
I started in the most recent posts, then went back to the beginning. God, it hurts to see how much he was hurting. Is it weird to wish I could have been there for him??
Then I went to the middle, seeing his progress - slow, but sure - and becoming stronger. (For any LBS out there - working on yourself does work, give it time.)
I then found his new R in the most recent thread - found out it started 2 days after he got his "closure" from me. And he's wondering if he started dating "too soon"?!?
I read way too much about that...also really painful.
Part of me wanted to experience a fraction of his pain for all the pain I cause him. Made myself read to have that happen. Messed up, eh?
I am also encouraged by a few other posters looking to give him advice to *carefully* approach the idea of R with me. And to let OW go, she is innocent in all this.
Also - I sent him an email to see if he wanted me to stop reading the posts - almost 1000 of them! I felt like it was good for me to know where he was coming from, yet at the same time, I want to respect his privacy.
He called to 'reply'. So good to hear his voice! He's ok with me reading them, he wondered if I'd ever stumble upon them. They are public. He did remind me that he's far from where he was in the beginning.
He wrote in a recent post "I do still love my wife". Gives me something to hang onto.
And after reading for over 2 hrs tonite, I do understand why he will have a hard time to forgive me. I need time to show him that I can do better, be better. I know I still have work to do on myself too. I am now ready to do this - preferably with him.
I know it won't happen overnight, and it will take baby steps. I offered to meet someplace for lunch on Saturday, he was very clear that was "no!". Too soon I guess...
Meeting w/my C on Monday - can't wait to hear her perspective in all this!
Thanks for the chance to journal all this! The last week has been a roller-coaster ride!
