Now separated. Am I doing the right things? Pt 2

[Accuray]

I like that you're getting multiple viewpoints and I respect what these guys are saying. What would I do? I would attend the party for the sake of my daughter (and son as he will be there) full stop. My goal would be to support my kids first and all else second.

WRT W I would absolutely have both of you go to a financial planner and put everything on the table and have that person help with a payment amount that's fair. In your case, I think it will have to get worse with W before it gets better, but having a pro help you with the finances is going to take the emotions, suspicion and wishful thinking out of the equation.

My $0.02 is that the LBS cannot "make" the WAS face the consequences of their actions. They're not suddenly going to say "oh, I did this, this was my fault I'm getting what I deserve". If they don't want to face the fact that the decision was theirs they won't.

I also think that intentionally trying to make the WAS' life worse or more uncomfortable doesn't benefit either of you. I think what you're looking for is to wish them well while at the same time focusing on yourself and leading the best life you can lead. I feel "face the consequences" comes from a place of spite and I don't think it helps you in the long run.

You asked what I would do -- that's what I would do, but remember I don't know you and don't know your wife, so the decision must be yours. I think your wife lives with the consequences of her actions every day -- she has no money, her cable was cut off, she has no help with the kids when you're not there etc etc. In many sitchs on this board the WAS is gone and involved in an affair and does not want to come back. I think those sitchs call for a more hard line approach. I believe your W DOES want to come back, but needs the finances fixed first, so I would be more motivated to act with compassion.

Accuray

[roughenough]

Below is what I was about to post right before I received Acc's 2 cents. Acc, you have some darn good points. I am torn and I might just wait and respond to W tomorrow. Thanks guys for all your help.


Ok then, I will be sending it off as is. In an effort to help me learn, the most “common” question I might be asked is. “How come you’re not going to daughter’s birthday party Rough?”.

To be honest, I don’t know how I would respond to that. Even though we will have our own celebration, this will be the first birthday party ever for both our kids that I won’t be attending, it’s so sad.

Ok, I had to take a break after writing that last sentence, got me all chocked up. I am wondering if W and others might view it as “Rough’s taking a stance” or “He’s mad”.

I am trying to view some of this from W, W’s friends and my in laws perspective. I understand mindreading does no good but once again, I am trying to understand how to respond to W and others that might ask why I am not attending. I was hoping to understand the logic behind it? Thanks again.

[roughenough]

Regardless, I will receive pushback from W when she responds to my email. I don’t need to send it until tomorrow morning; I might just use the draft below. I incorporated a combination of the input I received. It’s nice because daughter’s birthday is about two weeks away so I don’t have to decide right away if I am going to attend. Here’s my revised response. Hell if I know, it’s a toss up. Please keep in mind, the kids are starting school soon and W will take advantage of me with everything, she’s going to have her plate full so I need to be cautious on what I agree to.

I am just not sure about the “we’ll never get to where we want to be”. It might be perceived as pursuing. Please let me know what you think?

"You mentioned they are starting school soon and the kids “need some things”. I am more than happy to help out with the kids supplies, please provide me the list and I will work on getting them.

W, it's important to me to turn around our financial situation. Part of that requires me to earn more money, but the second more important part is to create a budget of what we can afford and stick to it. If we cheat on that budget, we'll never get where we want to be. If you'd like, another option would be for us to sit down with a financial advisor to review the budget and see how we might come up with more money between the two of us. I am fine with either option, just let me know.

I also don’t know your thoughts regarding daughter’s birthday however I think it would be a good idea for us to keep it economical. Please let me know what you would like me to contribute, I can then look over my budget and see if it’s within reason."

[Arsene]

I like that you're getting multiple viewpoints and I respect what these guys are saying. What would I do? I would attend the party for the sake of my daughter (and son as he will be there) full stop. My goal would be to support my kids first and all else second.

This has got to be your priority. How will your kids feel when they see that dad's not there? It might be very uncomfortable for you to be there but it'll also show the kind of man you are. If people ask questions you don't want to answer? Be vague and polite and cheerful and change the topic or move on to get yourself another piece of cake.

My $0.02 is that the LBS cannot "make" the WAS face the consequences of their actions. They're not suddenly going to say "oh, I did this, this was my fault I'm getting what I deserve". If they don't want to face the fact that the decision was theirs they won't.

I also think that intentionally trying to make the WAS' life worse or more uncomfortable doesn't benefit either of you. I think what you're looking for is to wish them well while at the same time focusing on yourself and leading the best life you can lead. I feel "face the consequences" comes from a place of spite and I don't think it helps you in the long run.

Totally agree with this. Its not working for you or your sitch to be that way. I don't think it's being the best man you can be.

You asked what I would do -- that's what I would do, but remember I don't know you and don't know your wife, so the decision must be yours. I think your wife lives with the consequences of her actions every day -- she has no money, her cable was cut off, she has no help with the kids when you're not there etc etc. In many sitchs on this board the WAS is gone and involved in an affair and does not want to come back. I think those sitchs call for a more hard line approach. I believe your W DOES want to come back, but needs the finances fixed first, so I would be more motivated to act with compassion.

Again, you need perspective right now. I know it might not feel like you're progressing but you are and you are, in many ways, in a much better position than many of us right now. Be the best man you can be.

I'd also ask you one question before deciding what you are going to do. Can you afford to pay for the school stuff? Can you afford to help with the birthday party? Will it make a huge dent in your budget? Both these things are for your kids, not your wife. If your kid needed medication and your W asked for extra money to pay for it, would you not help?

IMO, this is about your kids and how you act will also show your wife a bit about who you are. Is she going to like this person?

I think Acc mentioned as well that how you act now doesn't have to become a precedent. If later, she asks for more money for something else, you can always decide again at that point if you think it's warranted or not and if you'll comply or not.

[roughenough]

Thanks Arsene,
My gut tells me to just send the response listed above and then I can deal with it after I get W’s response. I feel it’s not a hardline response or a pushover response. I just couldn’t decide what option was best so hell, I will throw some choices out to W. I am also being somewhat uncommitted in my response so I think it works for now. I will probably send it in the morning and then I will have another round in the boxing ring, more decisions and drama to deal with. This sh!t is exhausting and I am only 4 months into it.

[Arsene]

Just a thought:

create a budget of what we can afford and stick to it. If we cheat on that budget, we'll never get where we want to be.

Doesn't this sound like you are insinuating she's not sticking to the budget?

Yeah, the "where we want to be" might sound a bit pushy


I also don’t know your thoughts regarding daughter’s birthday however I think it would be a good idea for us to keep it economical. Please let me know what you would like me to contribute, I can then look over my budget and see if it’s within reason."
[/quote]

"within reason"? You are going to see if she is being reasonable? I know you are not saying that but couldn't it be seen that way? How about "see if I can afford it".

I like the fact that you leave a lot of it in her court. I think it shows you respect her judgment and are willing to discuss it with her.

Just my opinion.

[Arsene]

Just a thought:

create a budget of what we can afford and stick to it. If we cheat on that budget, we'll never get where we want to be.

Doesn't this sound like you are insinuating she's not sticking to the budget?

Yeah, the "where we want to be" might sound a bit pushy


I also don’t know your thoughts regarding daughter’s birthday however I think it would be a good idea for us to keep it economical. Please let me know what you would like me to contribute, I can then look over my budget and see if it’s within reason."
[/quote]

"within reason"? You are going to see if she is being reasonable? I know you are not saying that but couldn't it be seen that way? How about "see if I can afford it".

I like the fact that you leave a lot of it in her court. I think it shows you respect her judgment and are willing to discuss it with her.

Just my opinion.

[roughenough]

I sure would like to talk with my W tonight but I know I cant.

[needgrace]

I'm sorry, RE. I know the feeling. The next day, I always feel better that I didn't call.(((((((( ))))))))

[Arsene]

Hang in there brother. NG is right. you'll feel better in the morning for it. Cheers!