Now separated. Am I doing the right things? Pt 2

[Arsene]

I like that you're getting multiple viewpoints and I respect what these guys are saying. What would I do? I would attend the party for the sake of my daughter (and son as he will be there) full stop. My goal would be to support my kids first and all else second.

This has got to be your priority. How will your kids feel when they see that dad's not there? It might be very uncomfortable for you to be there but it'll also show the kind of man you are. If people ask questions you don't want to answer? Be vague and polite and cheerful and change the topic or move on to get yourself another piece of cake.

My $0.02 is that the LBS cannot "make" the WAS face the consequences of their actions. They're not suddenly going to say "oh, I did this, this was my fault I'm getting what I deserve". If they don't want to face the fact that the decision was theirs they won't.

I also think that intentionally trying to make the WAS' life worse or more uncomfortable doesn't benefit either of you. I think what you're looking for is to wish them well while at the same time focusing on yourself and leading the best life you can lead. I feel "face the consequences" comes from a place of spite and I don't think it helps you in the long run.

Totally agree with this. Its not working for you or your sitch to be that way. I don't think it's being the best man you can be.

You asked what I would do -- that's what I would do, but remember I don't know you and don't know your wife, so the decision must be yours. I think your wife lives with the consequences of her actions every day -- she has no money, her cable was cut off, she has no help with the kids when you're not there etc etc. In many sitchs on this board the WAS is gone and involved in an affair and does not want to come back. I think those sitchs call for a more hard line approach. I believe your W DOES want to come back, but needs the finances fixed first, so I would be more motivated to act with compassion.

Again, you need perspective right now. I know it might not feel like you're progressing but you are and you are, in many ways, in a much better position than many of us right now. Be the best man you can be.

I'd also ask you one question before deciding what you are going to do. Can you afford to pay for the school stuff? Can you afford to help with the birthday party? Will it make a huge dent in your budget? Both these things are for your kids, not your wife. If your kid needed medication and your W asked for extra money to pay for it, would you not help?

IMO, this is about your kids and how you act will also show your wife a bit about who you are. Is she going to like this person?

I think Acc mentioned as well that how you act now doesn't have to become a precedent. If later, she asks for more money for something else, you can always decide again at that point if you think it's warranted or not and if you'll comply or not.