Thanks for the clarification, Adinva. I don't think I realized that your kids were part of the counseling ever, present or otherwise.
You've done a great job not villanizing your H and recognizing that both of you are at fault (better than I've done, admittedly.) I think one of the things you've admitted to as something you've contributed negatively to the R is that you often discounted your H's input. In regards to kids and this issue, I've seen it wreak havoc on the man in at least two close relationships -- my H with his ex/custody, and my brother with my SIL. I can tell you in both cases, when the man is trying to be the "man"/leader/disciplinarian/father and the wife (or ex-wife) undermines/overrides/discounts everything they do, it's very emasculating.
For my H, he said that he felt castrated in his role as his kids' father and talked about just walking away many times (he fought hard physically, emotionally and financially to get joint custody of his kids at the time of the D.) But with his ex working against him and his kids mimicking her attitude, he felt like he simply held no value as their father, and didn't want to be their "friend," and didn't want to appear to advocate their behavior by going along with their mother's dictates. If he had loved them any less or had any less of a personal desire to be their father in an active way, I know he would have walked.
For my brother, he had a similar situation where my SIL would override any sort of discipline he attempted. She's just a softie (or too tired to deal with it) and would let my niece and nephew get away with things. By the time they became teenagers, they had developed some very bad behaviors and my SIL started to see a problem. So then she comes to my brother and wants him to step in and be the disciplinarian. He was very stand-offish. He told her that she had refused his assistance up until that point so he told her she could continue to handle it on her own, that she would just need to figure it out. Plus, he didn't feel like it was appropriate for her to play "good cop" and expect him to be the "bad cop," that she was just as capable of applying discipline as he was. It was a tough time for them. I completely understand my brother's position, though. As it stands, they worked something out, my brother stepped in, my SIL backed him up, and they've recently celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary. But it could have gone very badly.
I'm just wondering if this could be somewhat how your H is/was feeling. Especially in light of you saying that he likes to spend time with this other woman's kids moreso even than his own. Perhaps he simply doesn't feel like he's valued as a father to yours, whereas this other woman presents him respectfully and expects her kids to do so as well.
I know I'm reading WAY deep into this, but it's just what came to mind when I was reading your comments and others responses to it. I definitely don't feel like he's being an @sshole if he feels like he's been pushed out/overridden/disrespected/devalued as their father for years.
