I also think you are dong a great job. You have great PMA, you seem to be getting just the right amount of detachment and things are starting to happen. As you said, now is not the time to get all excited but keep doing what you're doing because it works. BTW, I might try slapping myself in the face but like Mrs D says, I'll be red-faced and the neighbours are going to think I'm possessed.
(Carnac, can I just highjack your thread for a bit? Thx)
Originally Posted By: Mrs D
As the WAW at one point, I dont see how she couldnt be. Because I have lived that side as well - I can tell you my thoughts were still of my H every night. Even though I was having an EA. Wow, that sounds really bad. I wish my H had backed off and not come off as needy as he had for awhile. And I think that helps me some with not being as pouncy as I want to be. It is a big turnoff. But at the same time, I know with his constant being there - I didnt lose complete focus on him and the EA didnt turn into anything but.
Mrs D, I have to admit that I could use your insight as a WAW. I'm not doing too good at the moment with my W and I'm just not sure how to take her. We have had the "family day" last week and it was great but now it seems as if she was just cake eating. Her moods change like the wind and her attitude towards our D8 is at times exasperating.
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I feel similar with my sitch. Next week will be the end of the Lebaran holiday(end of Muslim holy month of fasting), and W will have to start working hard to make a living.
I can't imagine her spending that much time with OM if she has to practice everyday with various bands (in which other players are often late up to 2 hours - huge waste of time) to build repertoires, on top of that she might have to play/sing 5 or 6 nights a week just to make the minimum she would need to cover her expenses (maybe she needs even more since she has been living on my standard of living for the last 10 years), so she'll also need to get students everyday to supplement her income (and she'll have to travel to their houses by bicycle). So what I'm saying is that she will have her hands full and once real life kicks in, well, OM might not be so supportive then and the life I'll be showing her will look a lot more attractive. I'm not saying that I want her to come back just for the easy life but it might wake her up a bit, and frankly, at this point, it would be nice to see her reconsidering even just a little bit, no matter what the reason is.
Me, on the other hand, being an expat in this country gives me a much higher earning potential. Just with one private lesson (2 hours a week) I already make nearly as much as she does. With the jobs I've lined up so far I will be able to live fairly well and GAL to top it. This is also leaving me a lot of time to spend at home with D8.
Now, I suspect that she might have hidden some of the money we had reserved for the house rental but that isn't going to last very long (if it's still there).
I'm sure that neither of us want to see our Ws struggling but they did make this decision without thinking too much of the consequences so let's see how they manage. I totally understand how you feel Carnac.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Really have alot to say today and I want to post this for two reasons, first because im incredibly proud and want to share this with the world, and secondly because I want to make sure that I don't get too high cause that just makes the crash harder.
My s11 and I always attend a Wednesday evening Bible study at our church, up until the seperation my whole family did, but my SS16 and W haven't been there since she and I seperated. I was actually late last night due to an appt with my IC (which went very well by the way....im gonna learn how I can be less overbearing). When the classes were over I was outside waiting for S11 to come out from his class which is in another building and when he walked out of his class he immediately walked up to me and told me that he wanted to be baptized right then. I asked him a few questions about being sure and the reason for now and he answered them all so he called my W and asked her if she could come to the church for his baptism.
He and I went and talked to the preacher and word spread pretty quickly so there were lots of people who had not gone home yet that decided to stay, and an awful lot of them were very interested in seeing her as well when they heard she was coming.
He was baptized and there were probably 75 people or more there and they all waited until he dried off and dressed to congratulate him and give him a hug. It was quite an emotional night for everyone involved. And that brings me to why I don't want to get too high. I was keeping my distance from my W, we spoke and were polite, but I made no effort to stand beside her or reach out to her. She was in tears multiple times, part of it was that her son was baptized, but another large part of it is that almost everyone in the room came by and hugged her and most were whispering in her ear while they were hugging her. I have no idea what was said but I know that everyone told her they loved her and how much they missed her.
The one person I could hear was my father (he thinks he's whispering but he has hearing problems so his whisper is a pretty normal speaking voice) I mentioned in another post that my father is pretty old, and incredibly respected, especially by my wife. I have heard her talk about him with an almost reverent tone at times about how strong he is, how much he's been through in his life and how he's handled it etc. I was sitting off to the side a bit with my son as people were talking to/hugging my wife and saw my dad walk up and wait patiently until my wife noticed him standing there, she walked over to him and they hugged and I noticed my dad was trying to speak but he was crying, this really set off the waterworks in my wife (it nearly made me cry just typing that)
I think he had more to say but b/c he was crying all he could get out was how much he missed her and by that time she was almost bawling. That was pretty near the end and since my son was staying with me last night he and I got up to leave and she said something about are we heading out now? It was almost like the family was leaving together....even weirder now that I think about it. We get to the other end of the building and my son says he has to use the bathroom so it kind of leaves she and I standing there alone (SS16 had walked away and was busy texting) and she....not me she reached out to hug me and then didnt let go, we probably hugged for 2 minutes honestly and not a single word spoken.
After S11 came out of the restroom we started toward the door again and SS16 was a bit back so while they kept walking I turned around and went and held my hand out and he shook it, and then we hugged as well and I told him that I loved him and he replied that he loved me too (Maybe just in return, or an automatic response but its a step for both of us) We finally got to her car and she reached out to hug me again, not as long, just a hug this time and while we were hugging I told her that I still wanted to talk to her anytime she wanted. (Dang I hate that little bit of pursuing, but its so much better than I would have been a few months ago) She didnt say much just shook her head and said I know I think.....im honestly not sure.
It was incredibly hard not to call her this morning and try to 'build on the momentum' from last night but I didnt and im not going to. I didnt tell her anything specific, but I did tell her last night when I said I still want us to start a dialogue that I would wait until she was ready and keep working on me until then.
Im writing this novel out for me, and for any advice anyone has...my thinking is to continue with what im doing and really do nothing different. I had a great session with my therapist, had an incredible night with my son and my wife was incredibly nice to me so obviously wanting to see if I can push forward is my nature but im sure you guys will remind me what a bad idea that will be. I think more likely is that other people from our church will stay in contact with her more now and that may help my sitch as much as anything I could do right now.
Ok, now for my negative thoughts....she's at work today with at least 2 people who don't support our marriage at all, and I can't get out of my head one of them is sure to be telling her that I manipulated S11 into doing this just so I could use it to get her back. Or at least telling her that its a good thing, but doesn't change anything as far as we're concerned and that she wanted a divorce b/4 he did that and if she doesn't go through with it she'll regret it later when I go back to my old ways. I know thats a ton of mind-reading, and not even mind reading my spouse, mind reading someone I dont even know but it helps me to get those thoughts out b/c they are what i deal with in my head if I dont.....working on that with my therapist too, self defeating thoughts, projections on others etc.
Hope everyone has a great Thursday....feel free to swing the wood if its needed.
Oh Carnac - I have serious tears in my eyes!! I am so so happy that she was reaching out to you!! Just be patient my friend. Things that happened last night couldnt have been more perfect, for what the sitch is, you know?
Stay positive and not worry about what those people may or may not be saying to her. Your W in the end is the one that has her thoughts. And right now, I would say her thoughts are with you. YAY!!!
Patience though my friend...
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
Congrats Carnac! That is so awesome! I love to see my kids grow up, take a stand, and believe in something. Sounds like you are doing a good job with your son...keep it up!
With regards to the W, I think that's awesome. Sounds like she definitely misses parts of your life together. Don't beat yourself up about the pursuit...probably could have gone without it, but it wasn't bad. But I wouldn't follow that up with the call you were thinking about. She's checking out your picnic....don't stand up and chase her off! Remember...it's a marathon....pace yourself!
And try to let go of the naysayers....you can't control them, so it's wasted energy.
It has become a real problem for me as of late and I dont really know how to attack it. And mostly its a problem for me during the day when im at my office and actually have work to be doing I find myself on here, or any number of other sites just reading articles, messsage board posts, really anything written about relationships and saving them I guess. I've probably read more about relationships in the last 10 weeks than most therapists have.
You and me both! I'm in a similar situation where I'm able to coast some at work and have just been obsessed with reading everything I can including downloading ebooks and reading them at work. All I can say is if you find the answer to the way out of this let me know what it is, LOL! The one word of advise I have is if you haven't already, let your boss know what's going on in your life and hopefully he/ she will be sympathetic like mine has been.
Originally Posted By: Carnac
I do know that im going to call my Dr tomorrow for a different AD, he gave me one last week but its a pretty low dose and he told me if I didnt feel better in a week to let him know and we would try something different and its been a week as of tomorrow and I certainly don't feel any better as far as that goes.
Are you on an SSRI? If so, a week isn't enough for it to take full effect, you might see some improvement but more likely you'll feel more like you're on a rollercoaster. It can take 4 to 6 weeks. I was put on Viibryd a little over 3 weeks ago after I had a major 4-day-long anxiety attack (I've never had one in my life before BD). I felt better some days and worse on others. It's taken until now for me to feel like it's starting to stabilize. Most people report that it takes a month or more on one before you start feeling "normal" and like your old self.
Thanks Breadown, I know full well I can't do anything to control what they say/do or think of me so its really a waste of my time and energy to even think of them, im working on it.
My son is an absolute joy to raise and is actually teaching me an awful lot....he cares so much about others and is always willing to put others before himself, its certainly a lesson I can use.
Im a bit anxious this afternoon b/c we have our usual Thursday football practice and my W will be there. My plan is to be smiling and happy and not engage her in ANY way. If she wants to engage me great, but im certainly preparing myself in case she has buyers remorse from last night. Doesnt matter at all to me what her mood is, im still on quite the emotional high from everything and really having a good solid week so im going to keep a smile on my face all afternoon no matter what life throws at me.
My plan is to be smiling and happy and not engage her in ANY way. If she wants to engage me great, but im certainly preparing myself in case she has buyers remorse from last night. Doesnt matter at all to me what her mood is, im still on quite the emotional high from everything and really having a good solid week so im going to keep a smile on my face all afternoon no matter what life throws at me.
Do it! And remind yourself of this when you get there...and during...and after. Keep that happy face on! And don't pursue!
Fantastic mate! Looks like things are starting to go your way. Like everyone says though, keep your cool. Just back off and let her come all the way. I don't think that what you said, given the circumstances, was necessarily a bad thing.
With regards to work? I think that if your W is starting to change her opinion of you, she might not even tell these people at work if she knows what they would say. Do you talk about your sitch to people who think you should just leave your wife and move on?
Keep up the good work mate!!!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Good thoughts Arsene, and your right she might not share that with those that would be naysayers....doesn't change anything for me either way so its a thought i'll let go.
No interaction with her tonight at the practice....she didnt arrive home until after we had started and then went straight into the house....i was running through some drills with my team, but I did notice her looking over a few times as she walked across the porch.
S11 went into the house after practice to tell her he was going home with me again tonight and he said she was on the couch with a blanket....i know this is speculation but im certain that something isnt right with her, depression or hormonal or something b/c he's mentioned before that she comes home from work and goes to sleep alot.....either that or she's just not sleeping at night. I guess I cant't worry about any of that either b/c I cant help her right now....she wont let me and i wouldnt try anyway.
Im still struggling at work a bit but i've gotten more done this week than last I think....my plan is simply to improve each day and see what happens.
