Divorced.. #2

[Carnac]

LOL i know what you mean...when your in the wrong and aren't strong enough to just say i was wrong then the only option you have is defend defend defend.

[Brian in Hville]

Thanks Brian. Alot!! Can I ask if there was anything that you could do differently through this process, what would it have been?

I wouldn't have changed a thing. All I could ask for was to fix myself and heal. It took some time for me to understand that your focus can not be on the M or spouse. It truly needs to be on yourself. I also realized that I can't do this for my ex. I needed to do it for myself. If I did it for any other reason then because I knew and wanted to change me, it would never have stuck and I would be doomed to repeat it all again one day. That right there is what made me realize that regardless if I saved my M or not, I would be ok.

Brian

[Mrs D]

I understand that everything that you want to change, you have to do if for yourself.... can you give some insight why you guys didnt work out? Yes, I know that DBing doesnt work for everyone - Im just curious.

[Mrs D]

LOL i know what you mean...when your in the wrong and aren't strong enough to just say i was wrong then the only option you have is defend defend defend.

Oh if only I knew then what I knew now.....

[Mrs D]

Journaling:

Last night when I went to bed, I felt so positive with everything. Good conversations, good thoughts. Good feelings. Woke up this morning on the opposite end of the stick and I just cannot shake it for anything today.

I feel so lost without having him in my life anymore. Yes, its been almost 5 weeks. Shouldnt it start at some point start feeling alittle better at some point?

I keep thinking of what I should have done, what I could have done. What I didnt do. What I dont have any longer in my life. Everything that Ive lost. Shoot - yesterday afternoon, sitting in my ExH driveway waiting for him to come home - listening to the radio - Trace Atkins "youre going to miss this comes on" as Im looking at everything I no longer have. Realizing again that THIS is all MY fault. Then I start thinking about how he felt through this whole ordeal. And how that makes me even more sad know I am the one that did this to him.

I just want to get out of this funk. I want to be happy. I want to be strong. And Im so not there.

[Mrs D]

So Im sitting in my therapist parkinv lot reading DR again to waste time. H calls because our son is having a meltdown after crashing his motorcycle. First thing he says to me is C wants you to cancel your appt and come get him. Im like.... I cant do that. Then I thought, he knows I wouldnt do that and why would he call to ask and make me feel like the bad guy for not getting him? It was all weird to me. So I spoke to our son, told him why I couldnt leave. Calmed him done..... I really dont understand the phone call still......

Back to reading DR...

KD.. any insight why he would do that? Checking if I really was at therapy? I know that woukd be mind reading at best, but our son has crashed before. He has had meltdowns that exh has taken care of. Why? I know I shouldn't waste time even worried about it, but its still weird.

[~ kd ~]

Purely speculation, here:

Unless you think that your X conned your S to fake that he crashed and hurt himself, then I suspect your S DID fall and hurt himself. So were probably dealing at least with a real event.

Kids can be fairly predictable. When a child hurts themself, they generally go to the first person they get the most nurturing from. Many times, that's the mother. In my case, it tended to be me because my W was a basket case when the kids got hurt.

Then couple that to a kid wanting to feel safe, so often they want BOTH parent's support, it is possible that he both wanted you for nurturing and ALSO wanted you because you were the absent parent. Kids often call for an absent parent when in trauma.

Finally, a couple things could have been going on with your X. Either he didn't know how to deal with it... or your S was making so much fuss, your H just didn't WANT to deal with it... COULD NOT deal with it...

You say your X has dealt with this type of thing in the past. Do you mean, since the two of you have been D? Or when the two of you were still M and you were still available for the kids, even though X took initial care?

So was your H checking up on you? Maybe it was an opportunity for him to at least know where you are. Just as likely, he was putting that on you because he felt you needed to take responsibility.

Don't forget that your H still lives in HIS OWN REALITY, that YOU left the M. So he likely feels that you've dumped these types of responsibilities on him.

When you wonder why he is calling during these times... whether he's "checking up on you"...

what is your thought?

That his curious about your where abouts and maybe asking for help?

Or that he is prying into your business where his nose doesn't belong?

[Arsene]

You are doing better MrsD, As you said yourself, you can now control your thoughts better, get off the defensive and see things a bit more clearly. That's a huge improvement.

With regards to being a bit down today? That happens. You probably go through ups and downs faster than you can justify them. Stop imagining them happy together and yada yada yada. It's messing with your mind.

As you point out a lot, it has only been 5 weeks, and I'm sure you probably want this sitch to end before more time has passed but both you and him need time right now. You have progressed but 5 weeks is not a long time to make fundamental changes about who you are. Do you seriously think that you can make significant changes that will last, in such a short time?

Now about him. This decision he has taken can't have been easy for him. I'm pretty sure that the amount of indecision and anxiety a WAS goes through leading up to their decision to leave must be incredible. He also used to think he loved you more than life up to five weeks ago. Now he's gone through all of this hard work to find himself in a place which feels more comfortable right now. I'm sure he still has loads of doubts about what he's done and there probably isn't a moment in his day when he doesn't think about it either, but after going through all of this to make his decision, he's going to need time to see that you have indeed changed and that it's not just a tactic to get him back. That takes time, and as much as WE don't like it, THEY need it, and so do WE.

Remember Carnac's post. Keep slapping yourself in the face /

[Mrs D]

Thanks KD for the insight...
Our son has had many crashes on the cycle in either of our care -for before and after the D. Thats why I thought it so strange that he would call. Our son did in fact crash. He showed me the sratches this morning. And they were minor.

I guess the thought crossed my mind that he could have called because my appt was an hour later. And since I was in the town where my therapist was for 2-1/2 hours prior to my appt (returning boots at the mall, then reading in the parking lot) maybe he wondered if that was really where I was because he wants to trust me? Completely mind reading, I know. But I think if I was in his position, that could be what he was doing? Cause he already knows therapy is every Wednesdays night ....

Thoughts?

[MrBond]

"Thoughts?"

My thought is you need to stop overthinking things. If it's not this incidence it's going to be something else. When you start to overthink things, your imagination can go wild and you'll start coming up with conclusions that are far far from the truth.