Yes I can get the list of school supplies, good idea and I will work on taking the initiative on that one. I also think this is a good idea because if I just gave W some money I can’t say for sure what it would be going towards. Even if I chip in on school supplies and birthday stuff I wouldn't be surprised if W comes up with a reason for wanting more money for other stuff. I am now thinking more about our daughter’s birthday party and I am not sure what to do.
Our son turned 8 at the very beginning of our separation. Because of his age he has a good grasp of what’s going on and it was REALLY important for him that I attended the birthday party, which I did. A lot of my W’s friends were there and some of my in laws, etc….It was a little awkward but I just focused on making sure my son had a good birthday.
Our daughter is turning 5 and she wants an inexpensive birthday at the park and because of her age I don’t feel it’s as important to her that I attend. Now that time has passed, I feel it would be even more awkward then going to my sons party a couple months ago. On the flip side, I am good at socializing and I could be viewed in a good way by smiling and chit chatting with all the other moms while also making sure to focus on my daughter’s birthday. I just know all my in laws and W’s friends will be asking me what I am up to and I am not very fond of that idea.
I want there to be some “mystery” behind me and a previous post suggests that it’s good to make W “wonder” which I agree with and I think I would probably be more effective at this by just not going. I get the kids every other weekend and every Tuesday night so I could also have a private party.
It’s amazing how a separation or divorce can turn everything into one big cluster fu!k but I guess that’s how our marriage was too. I just don’t know the best way to handle this one????
I know it's my decision but which option would you lean towards? Also, what do you think about a separate birthday party? I am just not sure if I should go to the big one with all her family?
Sorry Acc if I was a bit snippy in my last post, this has just got me bent out of shape.
“W, it's important to me to turn around our financial situation. Part of that requires me to earn more money, but the second more important part is to create a budget of what we can afford and stick to it. If we cheat on that budget, we'll never get where we want to be. If you'd like, we can sit down with the financial counselor again to review the budget and see how we might come up with more money between the two of us."
Ok, I like this^^^^^ verbiage a lot. When we agreed on the 1,000 a month we did that on our own, not with anyone else, no counselor, advisor, etc…. When W moved out she decided to move into an expensive apartment that she can’t afford. I never said a word to her about it and I don’t plan on it.
In terms of a financial advisor, I took Acc’s suggestion and met with one a couple weeks ago on my own. I have my own budget now, I am enrolling in a retirement plan this week, etc… Your absolutely right, if I tell her I am barely getting buy she won’t believe me. On the flip side, I doubt she would go to a financial advisor with me. I like the idea but it would cause some additional tension and stir the pot. Some of the skeletons would come out of the closet on both sides. Sh!t, this is stressful, I don’t know the right path. Acc, I am curious why you say this is “dangerous grounds”? Is it because you know the financial stuff is a huge part of our problem/solution?
Can you buy your D's supplies? The school should have a list of what they need. Take the initiative to do it yourself.
As for your D's birthday, you can just as easily have your own birthday party for her on your own. How often do you get her?
Bond is right on both fronts. Get the list and buy the supplies yourself.
Have your own bday party for your D.
Your W needs to start seeing the consequences of her actions.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
1) Defer to Third Party: Both of you sit down with the Financial Advisor you sat down with last time when the $1,000 was agreed upon and go over the budget and agreement again. If she feels you have "minimal bills" and that you're not paying your share, then the only way to diffuse that is for a third party to tell her. If you tell her it just turns into a pissing contest. "W, it's important to me to turn around our financial situation. Part of that requires me to earn more money, but the second more important part is to create a budget of what we can afford and stick to it. If we cheat on that budget, we'll never get where we want to be. If you'd like, we can sit down with the financial counselor again to review the budget and see how we might come up with more money between the two of us."
2) Agree to Her Request: If YOU think it's a fair and reasonable request and you can agree to it, then give her the extra money. Maybe she'll make the requests a habit, but maybe she won't. You can fight the battle on the second request just as easily as you can on the first.
3) Deny Her Request: Tell her that you agreed on $1,000 per month, and that you will need to stick to that. Per Mr. Bond, if you want to buy the school supplies on your own instead, you can do that, but IMO if you reply with "How about if I buy the school supplies", you may be implying that you think she's lying to you about the reason for needing the money. I don't know if that's important or not.
Your decision
Accuray
Yeah, gotta disagree with ACC here. Your W has chosen to create a life without you, separate from you. Let her learn what that is going to mean. Who cares if she thinks that you think that she is lying about the reason for needing xtra money. That is not in your control.
You agreed to give her $1000 per month. Stick to that. Tell her to give you the list of school supplies and then go buy them. If she becomes upset, just restate what you agreed to do and leave it.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver, I am still going through your threads (a bit more than half way now) and I have to say, the support you got with the BITS was/is amazing.
Yes it was. I can honestly say that in many ways, my group the BITS, as well as many of the vets, saved me. This was the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me. The first time that I truly had to deal pure failure in my life. I blamed myself, was depressed, and did not know where to turn. For the first time in my life, I did not see a way to figure out how to solve the puzzle by myself. These people saved me.
Originally Posted By: Arsene
I was thinking that maybe we could start some sort of similar thing (neighborhood watch?) with some of the people in our timeline. It's amazing because since you were all going through similar thought process/difficulties at around the same time, you could really empathize with one another.
Now we just need to find a cool name for it and start signing members on. Ideas anyone???
I actually developed some really good friendships with people all over the country... met up a couple of times... but don't tell anyone!
Sorry dbmod.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Bond, Acc, Denver….Thank you so much, I really appreciate it! I am writing my plan out to make sure I have it down.
1.I need to ask W for the list of school supplies and then I will go buy them.
2.Let her know that I am not attending our daughter’s birthday party and I am having my own birthday celebration with her.
3.I will expect push back from W however my response will be via email so I will have time to articulate things before responding.
Just to let you guys know, W is going to get livid!!!!!!!! She’s going to lose it and unleash on me like no other. Oh well, you guys really help give me the strength and ability to stay strong!
Here’s my tentative email response to W. If you don’t mind, please adjust accordingly. Some of you guys are very helpful with wordsmithing.
W,
Regarding daughter’s birthday, I will be having my own celebration with her. You also mentioned the kids are starting school soon and “need some things” I am more than happy to help out with the kids supplies, please provide me the list and I will work on getting them.
Ok, my draft doesn’t have much substance to it. I am wondering if it should be worded in a more eloquent fashion? It’s just really cut and dry and to the point. In a way, it seems like a vicious response. I don't want to come across mean, maybe it should be toned down just a bit?
Bond, Acc, Denver….Thank you so much, I really appreciate it! I am writing my plan out to make sure I have it down.
1.I need to ask W for the list of school supplies and then I will go buy them.
2.Let her know that I am not attending our daughter’s birthday party and I am having my own birthday celebration with her.
3.I will expect push back from W however my response will be via email so I will have time to articulate things before responding.
Just to let you guys know, W is going to get livid!!!!!!!! She’s going to lose it and unleash on me like no other. Oh well, you guys really help give me the strength and ability to stay strong!
Here’s my tentative email response to W. If you don’t mind, please adjust accordingly. Some of you guys are very helpful with wordsmithing.
W,
Regarding daughter’s birthday, I will be having my own celebration with her. You also mentioned the kids are starting school soon and “need some things” I am more than happy to help out with the kids supplies, please provide me the list and I will work on getting them.
Ok, my draft doesn’t have much substance to it. I am wondering if it should be worded in a more eloquent fashion? It’s just really cut and dry and to the point. In a way, it seems like a vicious response. I don't want to come across mean, maybe it should be toned down just a bit?
Rough
Nope. It is absolutely perfect. You want to be dry and to the point. It is not mean at all. I think that it is rather nice. Afterall, you do say that you are "more than happy to help out...". I considered telling you to take that out.
Doesn't matter if she is livid about this. You can't control her reactions, nor should you try. You do what is right for YOU.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
FWIW...I agree with the rest of the guys on here about buying the school supplies on your own & not giving her anymore $$$!
I also agree with the way that you worded your email to W about things. It's not rude, straight to the point, and carries a little bit of confidence without being arrogant!
If she gets/acts livid, then as my IC states: "That is for her to deal with & for you not to respond"! Many times has Starsky & Denver stated to me that they will continue to lash out at you for many reasons. Absorb it, acknowledge it, then $hit it out in the toilet later with the rest of the waste in your body
