I'm still having a hard time coming up with actions that I can do to help myself and this situation. I recognize a lot of problems, but for instance, I don't feel insecure all day every day. When I think about what's happening with W, yes. When we would fight or argue, then sure, I would retreat and get defensive. But I don't feel like I am that person in my normal day-to-day life. I don't argue with people at work. I'm not someone who gets angry with waitresses or anything.
So how do I address the aspects of myself that only come out during confrontation, when there is no confrontation without W? So far I've been doing this by just trying to think a lot, and to prepare myself for things that might happen and learn to control my feelings better. It might be better to engage an IC, though. I'm going to think on that.
This is all tough stuff, but our paths seem to mirror a bit, so I'll try to share what I can. You can also check out my thread in the Staying Solution Focused section and see how Mach1 helped me work thru some of my own issues. There is a lot of thinking involved. My W and I also did retrovaille, which helped me open up a lot and helped me think thru some things. Journaling here and getting input from folks also helps immensely.
You seem to read a lot, and it's easy to get overwhelmed with all this stuff and get confused by different advice (so give yourself some breaks!), but another book that helped me with my insecurity was "Learning to Trust." I had a serious problem with negative thoughts. If my W didn't answer my phone call, I immediately would think the worst possible thing. The longer it took for her to respond, the more panic'd I became, and the worse the ideas of what she was doing became. By the time she got home, I would be freaked out and she'd say "sorry, my battery died and I had a meeting til 6pm." A lot of times, I'd have attacked her before she could even explain....no wonder she wanted a D.
These days, I might text her a few times during the day, but I don't even bother asking when she'll be home most of the time. I do like to know who's responsible for dinner, but otherwise, I pretty much let her go.
My point is, it's a process, it's going to take some time...you're going to have to dig deep into these things to figure out where they come from and how to put them to rest. You'll probably have to forgive yourself and others along the way. But, you'll get there if you really want to. Hang in there!
