Lost and need some guidance on my next steps

[AlkalineThoughts]

First, I do agree with Starsky that you should not divulge the source of your intel. Multiple reasons for that, but first and foremost in my mind is that she will shut it down so that you no longer have that source IF you do need it in the future.

Two out of three on this opinion... I think I'm keeping my sources confidential... Plus, the journalist in me has been screaming this anyway!

Second, this is where this stuff gets REALLY tricky Alkaline.

You can already see a difference in the approach that Starsky advises you to take vs the approach your IC advises.

I absolutely respect Starsky and his opinions on this stuff.

BUT, he and I, and others, don't always agree. His approached worked for him, mine worked for me.

As I said before, only you can decide what the right way to do this is.

I definitely was NOT suggesting that you take a confrontational approach to this when I told you that you should have the conversation about OM.

IMO, you do all of this in a loving way. IMO, we have to recognize that our WAW's are lost and are trying to find their way. I truly believe that they are in pain... sometimes, probably in more pain than we are as the LBS. I know for a FACT that my W was lost and in pain for the entire time that we were S. I believe that life is not easy and sometimes, we all get lost in one way or another. Those that love us unconditionally will continue to love us even when our behavior is not the best.

At the same time, we do have to have boundaries for US. To protect US. It isn't to control the WAW. It isn't to punish the WAW. It isn't to teach the WAW a lesson.

The boundary is to protect US and our emotional well being.

I tend to agree here as well. I think, at least in my situation, taking a less confrontational, BUT VERY STRONG, approach will be a better choice. The strong boundaries and strong statements I'll make are the most important part... the 180 that I need to concentrate on... Strength in the face of uncertainty...

You are going to have this conversation and NOTHING is going to change right away Alkaline. It doesn't matter which approach that you use. I can almost guarantee that. She isn't going to stop seeing OM, she isn't going to up and move home, she isn't going to jump into your arms and be swept away. Why? Because she still has to figure this out for herself. That is going to take lots of time and patience on your part.

I agree with this... And one think I know I have plenty of is time! I'm working on the patience part, and I'm glad you guys are all here to help with that part!

IMO, you should take a hybrid approach between what Starsky is saying and what your IC is saying. I like Starsky's no nonsense approach on the OM part. I like that because, most likely, she is not going to be truthful about it. Like I said before, my W was when I asked her. "W having you been seeing OM?", "Yes I have.", "Have you slept with him?", "Yes."... ugh, very painful... even now. But she was straight forward honest. But I don't see that very often on this board. I think that for the most part Starsky is right.

Thinking about this, I highly doubt that I'd get an honest answer here... I know that no matter what she's doing now, she DOESN'T want to hurt me, and her instincts will tell her to hide or sugar-coat as much as she can to protect my (formerly... or at least almost-formerly ) fragile ego.
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I like your IC's opening of the convo.

I tell her about "how hard i've been trying to work on ME and give her the space she needs... etc. etc. etc... [I know that you were unhappy and have been trying to figure out what you want in life. As hurtful as it has been for me, I have tried to support you with this. Above all else, I want you to be happy.]but then a friend emailed me letting me know about these pictures... etc. etc. etc.... Can you explain it to me?"

Then...

"[But] (Wife's first name), I know all about you and ________, and it needs to stop, now. This is completely disrespectful to you, [to me], and to our marriage. When you asked me for space to be alone, I gave it to you. [when you asked for time, I gave it to you. I have been patient.]I told you MONTHS ago that I would only fight for you if OM wasn't in the picture, and I now know you've been lying to me about it. Sounds like we both have some important decisions to make. [It is time for me to make some important decisions for me and our M. As always, you are free to make decisions for yourself and what you think is right. I am not walking away from our M, but I am moving on with my life. I need to try to find some happiness for myself. I will not live in an open M, and I will not be a part of your life as long as you are involved with any OM. This doesn't mean that I've stopped loving you or caring about you. It merely means that I cannot continue to do what we have been doing. I need to protect myself and begin to detach myself from you. So from here on out, please respect this and let me be. If somehow you have some epiphany that you want this M, and that you want to be with me, let me know. You know where I will be. I will either be here for you, or I won't.]"

^^^ much of this is almost identical to the things that I told my W at one time or another during our sitch. Much of it I had to repeat a few times... unfortunately. I think that it is strong, yet loving. It shows respect for yourself and your M, but it also shows unconditional love for your W. Of course, this is my opinion. Others may disagree, and ultimately, you have to use what you decide is right.

After that initial statement, I like what Starsky says:

"And leave it at that. Definitive, declarative, and yet leaves you a ton of wiggle room (because you're not saying ANYTHING you're going to do specifically, right now).

If she tries to lie, and say the whole "just friends" thing, just put your hand up in the "stop" position and say "Please stop. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful." If she tries to say you're "controlling" (as in "You can't tell me who I can be friends with!"), simply agree with her and say "You're right, I can't. You're a grown woman, and I have no desire to control you. All I can do is tell YOU what MY boundaries are, and I won't be in your life as a husband or a friend as long as OM is in your life. That's just a matter of personal integrity with me.""

Absolutely agree with that ^^^

This script is pretty fantastic, I must say... I may make some changes to it... and I'll CERTAINLY post it on this board before I decide to put it into action!

On a side note, is it weird to say that I kinda feel like Luke Skywalker here? Getting such wisdom from the likes of Yoda and Obi-Wan... What luck!

This Padawan thanks you!