My advice is always for people to make ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN, first (and we certainly are here), and simply say "(Wife's first name), I know all about you and ________, and it needs to stop, now. This is completely disrespectful to you and to our marriage. When you asked me for space to be alone, I gave it to you. I told you MONTHS ago that I would only fight for you if OM wasn't in the picture, and I now know you've been lying to me about it. Sounds like we both have some important decisions to make."
And leave it at that. Definitive, declarative, and yet leaves you a ton of wiggle room (because you're not saying ANYTHING you're going to do specifically, right now).
If she tries to lie, and say the whole "just friends" thing, just put your hand up in the "stop" position and say "Please stop. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful." If she tries to say you're "controlling" (as in "You can't tell me who I can be friends with!"), simply agree with her and say "You're right, I can't. You're a grown woman, and I have no desire to control you. All I can do is tell YOU what MY boundaries are, and I won't be in your life as a husband or a friend as long as OM is in your life. That's just a matter of personal integrity with me."
And END THE CONVERSATION as quickly as possible. NO R TALK, NO DECEIT from her lips.
Thanks Starsky... The only caveats I have here are these:
She was, on a few occasions when I "snooped" and found an email to OM and the picture to the OM, EXTREMELY pissed off about my invasion of her privacy, screaming that if she can't have ANYTHING to herself, that she'd never be able to be with me.
I KNOW that she was unjustified in this position, as she had been deceitful and was hiding things that she shouldn't have ever done, but I'm just bringing up the fact that if she believes that I found this "information" that i'm confronting her with by snooping around, it may only strengthen her resolve in the decision to leave.
And as a matter of semantics, as I've not asked if she and OM were together since WAY before she moved to C.FL, she hasn't technically lied to me about their relationship. I never broached the subject in a way that I asked her for answers... only operated under the assumption and never asked for confirmation...
I think your advice has a TON of merit, and I'm very curious as to what Denver's thoughts on the subject are...
At this point, It's not a question of IF I'll be taking these steps... It's a question of WHEN. I want to be sure that I have the resolve to ask, hear what she has to say and get off the phone... Telling her "I need some time to think about this"... Then during our next conversation, when my head is clear again, laying out the boundaries and letting her know I won't be a part of her life as long as OM is...
I know I SHOULD have these conversations at the same time, I'm just frightened that I won't be able to properly control my emotions to say exactly what I want to say without breaking down...
