Not a very happy story, I'm afraid..

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Throw in selfish, insecure and impatient and you just described me not too long ago! The weird thing is, realizing I really had these issues was difficult. I knew I was insecure, so I started with that...dug into it, read about it, thought about it. When I thought I had a pretty good handle on it, I moved to the next thing, and then found another issue, and so on.

Great points.. I'm all of those too. I know I've got a lot to work on. What I'm not sure about is how to work on it.

Take it from me on this one, you definitely sound controlling in the way you are talking to your W.

Yep, agreed.

I set up our office so that she has a table in there to do her scrapbooking. My idea was that we could work on our own hobbies together, in the same room. She hasn't touched the desk at all, even though she thought it was a good idea when I proposed it. I think we got the desk in April and started having problems in May, so maybe it was too little, too late.

I've also asked her to interrupt me, to tell me when she gets home if I'm off doing something. I drop what I'm doing if she comes into the room. I don't really know how else to demonstrate how important she is to me. Lately, I haven't even entered the man cave, I try to just be up and available when I know she'll be home. Doing dishes or laundry or something. Either that, or I follow the last resort technique of just not being home so she has a chance to wonder what I'm doing rather than seeing me do the same old thing.

That is you leading. Some of the things you are doing sound manipulating...maybe with good intention, but still.

This is great, thanks for pointing that out. I didn't even realize how that might come off, especially with how threatened she's probably feeling. You're right, regardless of the intention, the effect is overall negative.

To me flirting is getting to know the other person.

I'm surprised you have this view given that you read "Married Man's Sex Life Primer." That thing was chock full of ideas of married flirting. It makes your W feel desired. Be fun, be playful. Of course, this is a little harder to do given where you're at, but you can still do it a little. Hell, I even did some of it after my W moved out...and we had fun with it.

That was one of the first books I read. I haven't picked it up in a while, maybe I will go back and try and get some more ideas. Right now any time I mention anything even vaguely sexual, I can see W freeze up completely. I've made her laugh a few times, but it's very, very difficult. I tried the text message stuff but she just doesn't respond.

W said her goal was to work on herself. Just remembered that this morning. Bummer.

I think that's awesome. While M may be your end goal, the fact that she wants to work on herself at least means she's willing to learn and grow. I'd love to her my W say that.

That is a good point. However, (and this is a little mind reading, I know), I don't see any evidence or actions on her part to support that. She works/studies herself to exhaustion. All I really see is her running away from her problems. But I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

Mach1 suggested I read Co-Dependent No More as I was addressing my controlling behavior. You might consider picking that one up...definitely worth a read. So much of it hit home for me.

Also, as you think about these behaviors, try to figure out why you have them...where do they come from? It's deep, but those kind of questions really helped me.

Just ordered that book for my kindle, I will be reading it tonight.

Thanks so much for your comments, you've given me a lot to think about.

I'm still having a hard time coming up with actions that I can do to help myself and this situation. I recognize a lot of problems, but for instance, I don't feel insecure all day every day. When I think about what's happening with W, yes. When we would fight or argue, then sure, I would retreat and get defensive. But I don't feel like I am that person in my normal day-to-day life. I don't argue with people at work. I'm not someone who gets angry with waitresses or anything.

So how do I address the aspects of myself that only come out during confrontation, when there is no confrontation without W? So far I've been doing this by just trying to think a lot, and to prepare myself for things that might happen and learn to control my feelings better. It might be better to engage an IC, though. I'm going to think on that.