Not a very happy story, I'm afraid..

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Journaling. Last night, I sent W a text around the time she's normally off work and asked if she'd be coming straight home. She responded with "yes" and did come straght home. She asked why I'd sent her the text, and I said I wanted to talk about some stuff the counselor had brought up the day before. The counselor is very concerned that W is so busy that she's not able to make any time to work on our relationship or make things better. Since W decided not to move out of the house, maybe W could cut down her work schedule so we could spend more time together?

W didn't really want to talk, she wanted to work on stuff for her school. So I didn't keep her long. I explained how much $$ we needed her to make to survive ($0), and how much would make us fairly comfortable. She needs to rearrange her work schedule around school anyway, and I told her I was just giving her this info so that she had all the facts when she went to change things around. She did explain that she didn't get the promotion she was hoping for at the restaurant job, she'd found out two days before and hadn't told me. She made it sound like she was thinking of quitting altogether. I just said that for now, we're still married, and I will still provide for her and help her get on her feet in her school and teaching career. She didn't really react. I saw her passing in the hallway later and we chitchatted a bit, I can't remember what it was about though. I ended up giving her a hug before bed. It was like hugging a statue.

I probably said more than I should have. The hug may have been too much. Not sure if I'm leaving the road back home paved or just being a doormat. Just now I broke down and sent her a text saying I wasn't sure if I said it last night, but I'm sorry she didn't get the promotion at work. I think she's damn good at what she does and I was hoping she'd get recognized. As much as I hate the restaurant gig, it's part of who she is. No response from her yet.

I also remembered that in counseling on Tuesday W said she still feels hopeless about the situation. This morning I wondered to myself why I would stay with someone who obviously doesn't care a bit for my feelings or this marriage or is even willing to respect the vows she took. What if I had been in a car accident and got hurt? Would she leave me? I thought about what I would do when/if she decides to move out and get a divorce. I'll probably get another cat, since she will take our 2 cats. We'll have to wait another year to put the house up for sale, I think. I want to stay hopeful, but realistic.

We'd agreed to date once a week during this "separation" time, depending on her school schedule. She's got a class tonight that ends at 7. Normally this would be a night we'd go out. But we didn't talk about it, I don't want to take that for granted, and I don't want to pursue. I don't really feel much like going to dinner or a movie or dancing or anything at the moment. I feel like curling up on the couch after work and watching Top Gear reruns. I feel like I haven't been patient enough. I really didn't start to let go until a couple of weeks ago.