[AMA]

Slept 5 hours straight last night. By FAR the longest since this nightmare started. Working two jobs until you can barely keep your eyes open is a good way to force some sleep into the body.

I am still getting one or two fairly nice texts a day from her, but nothing of substance. There is never any attempt to talk about anything of importance. She seems to like to know what my work schedule is a lot.

I don't think I cried yesterday either, maybe a little in the morning before work, I actually can't remember right now.

Going to try to reconnect with a cpl more old friends today. I don't like watching days pass by without attempts to fix our R. I feel the longer it takes the worse the chances get. People tend to just enter new comfort zones and then those comfort zones become new routine. My hope is that true love will conquer that and give us the second chance I so desperately want.

[Amelie7]

I know how you feel AMA, I went through days without sleeping at one point I started to hear voices calling my name so I ended up drinking camomile tea at night. I still don't know sometimes how I managed to go to work...

[AMA]

Maybe something good, maybe a setback, I don't know....

She texted again yesterday and we talked for a bit longer than normal. And it was a good conversation. After it was over I caved. I wanted to see her....I know, the opposite of DETACH! I decided I was just going to go by her work a drop her off a coffee. I have been working out lots and have lost a lot of weight, and I have been working on myself emotionally and mentally too. I wanted her to see...

I brought her a coffee, I know her favorite obviously. She was very surprised to see me. But instead of just saying thank you and the she was very busy (I was thinking she might because she is extremely busy constantly with other employees all the time while at work), she asked if I wanted to sit down for a few minutes.

We had a pretty good conversation, not too serious but somewhat serious. I was able to control my emotions and keep a confident yet humble demeanor through the whole conversation.

She said I looked really great and she was proud of all the positive changes I was making in my life. The I asked her how she was feeling (I know. Another painful breach of DETACH). But she said

"I don't know what to do. I love the changes you are making in your life, but now I feel like I have to choose one or the other. If I decide to come back home, I will lose my family forever. My mom will never speak to me again."

I told her that I didnt think that would be true, that family always comes around after time. But she didnt think that would be true. She said she just needed more time to think. I knew at this point the conversation was getting too deep and there was nothing else I could accomplish at this point.

I just said that I was really glad to see her, (she looked REALLY good, but she looked extremely tired). We got up she gave me a big, I squeezed tight (couldnt help myself). We walked to the door and then she said it was really good to see me and she mentioned that I looked great again and then she hugged me again, kissed me on the cheek again, and said she would talk to me soon.

She sent me a text later that said "It was really nice to see you, thanks for the coffee. I would have liked to talk more, but it is really hard at work"

Later in the evening she just randomly sent me a picture of our little dog sleeping in his bed and said they had gone for a big walk and he was all tuckered out. I just sent back how cute he looked and how much I missed him.

I don't want to read too much into all this. I am still keeping in mind the "Believe none of what she says, and half of what she does comment". But as much as I broke DETACH, I feel good about yesterday. I also realize that for every high in this process there is an equal or greater low potentially. I hope I havent done more harm than good to myself.

I am going to try again to step back and just do my own stuff for my own good. I just feeling like any longer than 4 or 5 days without some kind of decent conversation is too long to go for us.

[Arsene]

Hi AMA,

I think detachment is the most difficult thing to do properly. It's so counter intuitive, it goes against every thing you believe in yet, from what the vets, and others say around here, it's got to be one of the most important things you do.

I think that it's great that she's already noticing changes in you but keep calm and stay the course. You probably shouldn't do too much of that "taking her coffee at work" thing, no matter how well this seemed to have gone to you.

I'm not sure how to handle the family problem but the way I see it, there is nothing you can do about them. Focus on yourself and do the changes you want to do to be the best man you can be. She married you once with her family's disapproval, she'll do it again if you give her a good enough reason to do it.

All the best,

[AMA]

Got home from work last night at 2am absolutely bagged. Pretty much fell right asleep, sooo tired. Slept solid but woke up 3hrs later and no way could get back to sleep. WTF. My body is in turmoil...

If the Military could bottle this stuff, it would be the strongest form of torture out there.

[25yearsmlc]

Going to start implementing the LRT. Have no choice really. I am not going to reciprocate her "have a great day", "have a good night, sweet dreams" texts. I think this is just giving her comfort with what she is doing.

this strikes me as being punitive on your end. Like b/c you are hurt, you must hurt back. Any truth to that? It's not exactly showing her a new behavior on your end, is it?

Remember the main thing---for her to return, she must believe that marriage to you can be better/different, than before.

What are YOU DOING to show her that? Oh, not talking b/c she's being nice to you in texts...sorry but that makes NO sense to me.



And regardless of how much of a lowlife I was for the past 2-3 years, we have 8 years of good times and great memories under our belts, and I DESERVE a second chance. I didnt cheat, I didnt abuse, I screwed up big time and got a wake up call. But I think i DESERVED at least one serious conversation before the "midnight move".

Sorry you think she never said a word. I have a hard time believing that OR that it wasn't obvious to you that she was carrying her weight and a whole lot more- and for THREE YEARS...yikes.

So you had NO IDEA that 3 years of doing nothing but being negative and complaining, while she took on a SECOND job, was NOT just fine w/her? Really? She never said a word to you so you thought it must be good...I don't buy that.

And what's with not getting along with ANY member of her family? You imply that it's because they are all racist. I don't buy that either. I think your pride affected your r with them as shown by how you felt shame that she got money from her sister to pay bills. Did you not discuss money at all, even when she took on a second job? What were you thinking?

IMO, you played a role in the lousy relationships with her family and the sooner that you face that, the sooner you can change it.

Don't fall into the trap of justifying yourself again. "No cheating, no abuse" as if that's all it takes to be a good h.

and What's up with putting off having any kids (with HER) b/c of finances, then not doing anything to improve the finances?

Can't you see that to her, it appears that HER becoming a mother is not important to you? Not enough to DO anything about it anyhow...

I don't want to bash you so much, but I do want you to wake up to how she really feels.

You seem to think once you wrote it all down and read it out to her, you were done with having to deal with what happened. Like reading it to her compensates for years of mistreatment. It does not.

Come on. In her family's eyes, you used her. You lost your job and wallowed in self pity and then took it out on her. Then SHE took on a second job to make ends meet and - what did you do then?

Finally, after you realized she had to BORROW money from her family b/c of insufficient funds, you got a second job but didn't tell her about it??? Is that accurate? Why no discussion?

Sorry man, I want your m to be saved. But this "I DESERVE IT" strikes me as off putting.

Any kind of feedback is appreciated....

hope you still feel the feedback is appreciated. Seriously.