Really have alot to say today and I want to post this for two reasons, first because im incredibly proud and want to share this with the world, and secondly because I want to make sure that I don't get too high cause that just makes the crash harder.
My s11 and I always attend a Wednesday evening Bible study at our church, up until the seperation my whole family did, but my SS16 and W haven't been there since she and I seperated. I was actually late last night due to an appt with my IC (which went very well by the way....im gonna learn how I can be less overbearing). When the classes were over I was outside waiting for S11 to come out from his class which is in another building and when he walked out of his class he immediately walked up to me and told me that he wanted to be baptized right then. I asked him a few questions about being sure and the reason for now and he answered them all so he called my W and asked her if she could come to the church for his baptism.
He and I went and talked to the preacher and word spread pretty quickly so there were lots of people who had not gone home yet that decided to stay, and an awful lot of them were very interested in seeing her as well when they heard she was coming.
He was baptized and there were probably 75 people or more there and they all waited until he dried off and dressed to congratulate him and give him a hug. It was quite an emotional night for everyone involved. And that brings me to why I don't want to get too high. I was keeping my distance from my W, we spoke and were polite, but I made no effort to stand beside her or reach out to her. She was in tears multiple times, part of it was that her son was baptized, but another large part of it is that almost everyone in the room came by and hugged her and most were whispering in her ear while they were hugging her. I have no idea what was said but I know that everyone told her they loved her and how much they missed her.
The one person I could hear was my father (he thinks he's whispering but he has hearing problems so his whisper is a pretty normal speaking voice) I mentioned in another post that my father is pretty old, and incredibly respected, especially by my wife. I have heard her talk about him with an almost reverent tone at times about how strong he is, how much he's been through in his life and how he's handled it etc. I was sitting off to the side a bit with my son as people were talking to/hugging my wife and saw my dad walk up and wait patiently until my wife noticed him standing there, she walked over to him and they hugged and I noticed my dad was trying to speak but he was crying, this really set off the waterworks in my wife (it nearly made me cry just typing that)
I think he had more to say but b/c he was crying all he could get out was how much he missed her and by that time she was almost bawling. That was pretty near the end and since my son was staying with me last night he and I got up to leave and she said something about are we heading out now? It was almost like the family was leaving together....even weirder now that I think about it. We get to the other end of the building and my son says he has to use the bathroom so it kind of leaves she and I standing there alone (SS16 had walked away and was busy texting) and she....not me she reached out to hug me and then didnt let go, we probably hugged for 2 minutes honestly and not a single word spoken.
After S11 came out of the restroom we started toward the door again and SS16 was a bit back so while they kept walking I turned around and went and held my hand out and he shook it, and then we hugged as well and I told him that I loved him and he replied that he loved me too (Maybe just in return, or an automatic response but its a step for both of us) We finally got to her car and she reached out to hug me again, not as long, just a hug this time and while we were hugging I told her that I still wanted to talk to her anytime she wanted. (Dang I hate that little bit of pursuing, but its so much better than I would have been a few months ago) She didnt say much just shook her head and said I know I think.....im honestly not sure.
It was incredibly hard not to call her this morning and try to 'build on the momentum' from last night but I didnt and im not going to. I didnt tell her anything specific, but I did tell her last night when I said I still want us to start a dialogue that I would wait until she was ready and keep working on me until then.
Im writing this novel out for me, and for any advice anyone has...my thinking is to continue with what im doing and really do nothing different. I had a great session with my therapist, had an incredible night with my son and my wife was incredibly nice to me so obviously wanting to see if I can push forward is my nature but im sure you guys will remind me what a bad idea that will be. I think more likely is that other people from our church will stay in contact with her more now and that may help my sitch as much as anything I could do right now.
Ok, now for my negative thoughts....she's at work today with at least 2 people who don't support our marriage at all, and I can't get out of my head one of them is sure to be telling her that I manipulated S11 into doing this just so I could use it to get her back. Or at least telling her that its a good thing, but doesn't change anything as far as we're concerned and that she wanted a divorce b/4 he did that and if she doesn't go through with it she'll regret it later when I go back to my old ways. I know thats a ton of mind-reading, and not even mind reading my spouse, mind reading someone I dont even know but it helps me to get those thoughts out b/c they are what i deal with in my head if I dont.....working on that with my therapist too, self defeating thoughts, projections on others etc.
Hope everyone has a great Thursday....feel free to swing the wood if its needed.
