Divorced.. #2

[Mrs D]

Another good session with the therapist again tonight. He liked my meatier letter to my mom, but now would like to put more emotion in it.... mind you this will be my third time writing this letter. I knew I was bad at communicating but didnt think I was that bad...

We work on meditation at the end of the session. I have to tell you I have not felt that relaxed in a long time. I didnt feel as anxious as I have at all. Definitely doing this more in the near future. The best thing is... its part of my homework for next week! Yay!

My appt was an hour later than normal, which sux cause our son is back to school as of this am. I didnt get back to Hs house till almost 930. Our son was asleep on the couch downstairs, my ex next to him. Brought back alot of comforting memories..... I woke our son up, threw him on my back for a piggy ride up the stairs (in heels, still in office attire) and took him out to the car. My ex did help me put him in the car though thank goodness....

[Arsene]

I just read through your entire sitch over the last few hours and I have to say that I think you've progressed a lot, and in many ways. I've copied and pasted various sections which hit me as very significant and with which I can relate throughout your story.

Its interesting you mention it b/c I dont think my son talks to my wife about his sitch.....he talks to me about it maybe once a week and has questions or other feelings he needs to get out, but when he's home with her he's usually on the playstation, or according to him she's always texting or on the phone so I dont think she ever sits down and actually spends time with him. They are there together, but much like she and I did in our marriage being present doesn't really mean anything if your in two differnt worlds. I think if she would take the time to sit down and talk with him she'd see how badly he's hurting and might have to slow down a second and think about the long term affects on him of what she's doing.


Yes, I've noticed that as well with my D8. She seems to open up to me a lot more than she does to W. Either that or W simply doesn't listen. Almost every night D8 makes me promise never to give up on our family. Yet, W keeps telling me that D8 is fine and that she'll get over it.



Well I am certainly pulling for you guys to work things out. I am also a runner.. Id rather run than work - well thats how I used to be. Not anymore. I need to face things head on. Things dont get better when you run from them - they only get worse. And that is most likely another reason H left me to be honest.


That is also interesting and it also matches my W. She used to say that all her life, when things didn't work out in relationships, she would just change phone number and move without telling her BF. That's been her way of dealing with things. And here she is doing it again. In your case, now you seem to realise this and are willing to face your demons. I think there is hope.



MrsD: So sorry to hear he's becoming that. I think its pretty common....I can assure you that my wife has become everything she said that I was selfish, controlling, judgemental and angry. Even more than that, in relation to SS16 she's much more interested in being bff's with him than in being his mom.



Yup, same scenario with my W. I used to lose patience with D8 and now I am patience itself yet W is the one who gets impatient and angry with D8 (and with me). Is it some form of revenge? Or perhaps they are going through what we were going through back then. Let's not do what they did and give up on them when they need us. I'm going to stick with her no matter what.




Its the fact that we do talk, and that we do get along so remarkably well that my mind starts over thinking leading me to pounce!! I think it would be easier if he didn't talk much to me at all to be honest. Id have a better chance of detaching, thats for sure!



It seems to me that W also does this when she senses that I'm getting stronger. She reels me back in until I falter and start pouncing again. Maybe we all need to get more detached (maybe? no, surely!!)and to be more patient. Detachment is not only to protect us from their wrath but also from their cake eating.



Maybe I am getting a lil stronger? ?? :-)


You bet you are. I started reading your thread and wondered if you would ever git it right. Now you are someone to look up to. You still engage your H a bit too much IMO, but compared to what you were at the beginning of your threads, you are miles ahead. I feel like I keep making a step forward and three steps back. Struggling with detachment and I get apprehensive every time I'm about to see her. I might be causing the problems just by imagining the worst. I have to detach, detach, detach. And so do you.



We work on meditation at the end of the session. I have to tell you I have not felt that relaxed in a long time. I didnt feel as anxious as I have at all. Definitely doing this more in the near future. The best thing is... its part of my homework for next week! Yay!


Meditation is one thing which has helped me throughout this sitch (I know, it doesn't look like I've progressed but I have). It' s helped me to detach to a point where I felt great about myself. The hard part is to keep it consistent. Whenever I sense wasteful thoughts coming my way, I try to meditate and fill myself with interior peace and happiness. I'm now taking lessons in meditation and I have also been able to do a lot of introspection and even to find ways to help me with my 180s/negative responses to event. I would encourage it.

Over all Mrs D. I see progress and frankly, I don't mean to raise your hopes but I feel like if you keep progressing at this rate you might just have a real chance. As you said, it's hard to imagine that someone was feeling a certain way 5 weeks ago and then would turn around and be the total opposite. In my case it was 2 weeks later (now it's been 3 months).

I'd appreciate you having a look at my thread as I could use your insight as a WAW. I'm still wondering what the heck happened sometimes. I know you thought at one point that you might have been MLC. I suspect my W is as well, but who knows?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2273125&page=1

[Mrs D]

Thanks Arsene. Sometimes I feel Ive made great strides - other times, like this morning - I feel like Im getting no where. And I dont know why I woke up feeling this way because everything couldnt have been more "perfect" (as much as they could be) yesterday with H and I. Maybe its cause I know today is Thursday, and Thursday nights he spends time with the GF. I know this in the back of my mind, and my heart sinks every Tuesday. Every Thursday. I know I shouldnt even think of those two together, but its hard not to when I want so much to put our life back together at some point. They are making the memories that WE should be making. So yeah, Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other weekend is hard for me. But I do feel as if Im getting stronger. I dont feel that urge to drive past his place on those days as I had in the beginning any longer. So I must be doing something right. LOL

I still havent had a chance to read your sitch yet - I noticed there were about three threads? Im atlittle busy here at the office, so I will read it. I promise.

Thanks Arsene for your comments.

[labug]

Have you read Brit's thread? It's similar to yours and might be helpful.

They are making the memories that WE should be making.

You've said this several times and it's thoughts like this that will keep you stuck. Why do you think these are memories you should be making with him?

[Mrs D]

Have you read Brit's thread? It's similar to yours and might be helpful.

They are making the memories that WE should be making.

You've said this several times and it's thoughts like this that will keep you stuck. Why do you think these are memories you should be making with him?

Good morning Labug - Because we were together up to 5 weeks ago? Because I know in the bottom of his heart I am were he wants to be - he just doesnt trust me? I know this is where I tend to get stuck. I am doing better than I had though in the past. I just get in that rut sometimes....

Thanks for pointing me that direction as well. I have many threads to read!

[labug]

Because I know in the bottom of his heart I am were he wants to be
Sorry, but you don't know this and I know that's tough to accept but it's the truth. Does he still have feelings for you? Probably but he's been hurt and the best way he knows to keep from getting hurt again is to shut his heart off to you.

So what does that mean for you? If you really love him unconditionally, do you want him to be happy? That's a tough question, because that may mean he's happy with the GF.

Every interaction with him has to come from that place of 'I want you to be happy, with or without me.' Are you there yet?

Continue to work to become the better you. I think that for most people the best way to do this is to back off, go very dim and allow the dust to settle. Right now he still sees you as the woman who hurt him and every interaction you have has the potential to reinforce that feeling.

You don't want to be know as the crazy ExW who can't let it go.

Stay away, don't contact him, work on you. When you feel more confident in the new you, you will know it and the interactions will become easier.

[Starsky309]

Because I know in the bottom of his heart I am were he wants to be
Sorry, but you don't know this and I know that's tough to accept but it's the truth. Does he still have feelings for you? Probably but he's been hurt and the best way he knows to keep from getting hurt again is to shut his heart off to you.

So what does that mean for you? If you really love him unconditionally, do you want him to be happy? That's a tough question, because that may mean he's happy with the GF.

Every interaction with him has to come from that place of 'I want you to be happy, with or without me.' Are you there yet?

Continue to work to become the better you. I think that for most people the best way to do this is to back off, go very dim and allow the dust to settle. Right now he still sees you as the woman who hurt him and every interaction you have has the potential to reinforce that feeling.

You don't want to be know as the crazy ExW who can't let it go.

Stay away, don't contact him, work on you. When you feel more confident in the new you, you will know it and the interactions will become easier.

Great post, 'bug.





Starsky

[Mrs D]

Because I know in the bottom of his heart I am were he wants to be
Sorry, but you don't know this and I know that's tough to accept but it's the truth. Does he still have feelings for you? Probably but he's been hurt and the best way he knows to keep from getting hurt again is to shut his heart off to you.

So what does that mean for you? If you really love him unconditionally, do you want him to be happy? That's a tough question, because that may mean he's happy with the GF.

Every interaction with him has to come from that place of 'I want you to be happy, with or without me.' Are you there yet?

Continue to work to become the better you. I think that for most people the best way to do this is to back off, go very dim and allow the dust to settle. Right now he still sees you as the woman who hurt him and every interaction you have has the potential to reinforce that feeling.

You don't want to be know as the crazy ExW who can't let it go.

Stay away, don't contact him, work on you. When you feel more confident in the new you, you will know it and the interactions will become easier.

Labug - Whew - I can tell that therapy is really working on me! The first thing I wanted to respond was VERY defensive. But I erased it and read your post again, and you are right. It is possible that he is happy where he is. But he could be filling a void as well. Waitiing to see if I DO change. I understand that he has been hurt by me many times. He hasnt shut his heart off to me though - he told me so just the other day. He is using his head right now because its his heart that continually lets him get hurt with me. Either way - I am working on myself. And I really thought I was doing alot better, but maybe I really am not.

[Carnac]

MrsD....good on you for recognizing you were about to defend rather than considering another's opinion. It is very hard not to defend....but learning to appreciate others viewpoint is huge.

[Mrs D]

MrsD....good on you for recognizing you were about to defend rather than considering another's opinion. It is very hard not to defend....but learning to appreciate others viewpoint is huge.

Thanks Carnac - One of my 180s... I was always on the defense in my relationship with ExH for the past almost 3 years. But that was because I was always wrong. And didnt want to look at anything for what it really was. Im getting better. Slowly.