Lost and need some guidance on my next steps

[Denver_2010]

but keep the communication open as she "explores" her current life (Which he thinks is her revising her past... her youth again).

Can you expand on this?

The bottom line is that YOU have to take any and all advice that you receive and decide what will have the highest probability of working. Put aside the advice that you believe will not work, and use the advice that you think WILL work. The number one rule of DB is do what works!

Well that's another thing... I'm not sure if what i'm doing NOW is working, so there's that! But this advice is really making a lot of sense to me... Showing strength and conviction was never a strong point in my R with W, and this may very well be the 180 that I need for ME.

That very well may be. I'm guessing a lot of what is attractive to her about OM is that he does exhibit strength and conviction. I'm not saying that those are real qualities that he possesses, but that he is how he probably presents himself. I base that guess on how you describe him.

IF you change your approach, you will have to be prepared to give it some time. Two months I'd say... minimum. I'd suggest focusing no 2 week increments and reassessing.

You have to use any opportunity to see into your world. At the same time, I would caution against having expectations...

That means, don't EXPECT her to call you every time that you tweet that you went out and had a few drinks, went to a concert, or whatever.

I do believe that you GAL for you... to help you get through this and to see that life can be happy without your wife.

BUT, since the whole goal is to try to save your M, we also want her to see that you can move on without her...

That SHE risks losing YOU by continuing on her current path!

She's never called about my GALing tweets, but will often comment on how big our puppy is getting or how a certain picture of him made her smile or sad... Either way, I have no expectations on that front!

Again, GAL, go on a trip or two, offer her a glimpse into your world using social media.

The HOPE is that she will see this and that she will be intrigues. Quite frankly, IMO, I hope that it pisses her off. I mean that in a good way. I want her to wonder wtf you are doing and who you are doing it with. I want her to feel a little jealousy. It means that she worries about losing you.

But that is HOPE...

You can't have expectations that it will happen... because it might not.

I know that this is a tough distinction. One that I did struggle with at times.

I don't know if you've read much of my situation. If you have, I'd expect that you see that there are many similarities between mine and yours.

However, there is one BIG difference that I see...

I was a bad H/BF to my W in many ways for a very long time. I was NOT how you described yourself in a prior post. Admittedly, I neglected my W's emotional needs... and was probably emotionally abusive to an extent. I did not mean to be this way to her, but I was. Something that I have learned to accept and forgive myself for.

My point is that I had a lot to make up for and you don't. At least not from what I'm seeing.

It's an important distinction because I don't think that you need to spend NEARLY as much time in, what we call "Plan A". It's from a book called 'surviving the affair'... Starsky can name the author. I forget even though I've read much of the book.

While I don't want to give the impression that I was this fantastic H the entire time (as I didn't pay enough attention to her unhappiness and didn't take the actions that I should have taken), I certainly tried in my own ways OVER and OVER and OVER again to make her happy... I think she sees that.

I don't care if she sees that or not at this point. What do you mean that you didn't pay enough attention to her unhappiness and didn't take the action that you should have taken?

I think that may be a big deal here.

Also, you mentioned in a prior post that she didn't feel that you stood up for her and took her side with family. I've been meaning to ask you about this. What are you talking about?

Not trying to be a harda$s with you... but want the full picture.

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Also, I'd agree with your IC in that you have to make sure that you are emotionally ready to make any big move with this.