Was hard today, hard to focus at work, hard to keep my mind off her and hardest to keep my composure when our "song" came on at work followed by "dreaming with a broken heart"
My stomach turned and I felt a rush of sadness sweep over me. I was taken back to when we first danced together in her apartment and how she looked in my eyes and I saw my future with her.
I don't know whether this sadness was because she only texted me once to see how work was going or whether it is needy withdraw symptoms or really what to think. I know my W is going through all sorts of crap in her own head but all these mixed signals I am getting are really starting to take their toll on my psyche.
Just to let you know I am being strong, confident, upbeat and really taking care of myself. I know the psychology behind doing 180's and being the man she would be crazy to leave but is there a point where you say enough and throw a hail mary?
I can't let fear hold me hostage and I am really trying to get off this roller coaster but I never have felt this much desperation towards trying to keep anyone ever. It's driving me batty trying to not backslide, do 180's, act "as if" and take care of myself all while starting a new job and constantly thinking about her leaving me.
I know you all are going to get board of this. I really do love the words of encouragement and support, I really need it and I feel like here is my only outlet.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
No hug hello after a long day, no asking how my back is feeling. No emotions towards me at all today... Just blank crap, I really hope yet fear that there will be some progress with a direction we will be heading in our R after MC Friday. This is ridiculous. I can't even fathom how some of you have handled the roommate situation for extended periods of time.
I know I am a damn good H and man in general. I know that she was head over heels in love with me and I KNOW it's still there burried under some rock for some reason.
Woooosaaaaa, deep breaths.
End rant.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
So, you're complaining that your W only called you once at work, that you didn't get a hug and you didn't ask how your back was feeling. Sounds a bit needy, no?
Did you ask her how her day was? How she was feeling? You could start the conversation just as well.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Seems like at every turn wife is dis connecting from me physically and emotionally. She is either distancing herself from me to piss me off or to trying and entice me to make a move.
This is the worst it has felt in the house since this whole thing started. I dread the next MC session and can't wait for it at the same time. Ugggggg....
Patience, detach and hope. I need more hope right about now.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Man the feelings I get from seeing her look at me 4 days ago like she used to when she was "in love" with me and now looking at me so blank and emotionless.
She is still making future plans, she wants to get some new snowboarding gear and season passes to our local mountain after our MC session tomorrow.
I love her... I want her but I do not need her to be happy. I am a kind, patient, giving, loyal man who makes a great husband. I am a good person and a hard worker. I WILL be stronger because of this situation.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Man the feelings I get from seeing her look at me 4 days ago like she used to when she was "in love" with me and now looking at me so blank and emotionless.
She is still making future plans, she wants to get some new snowboarding gear and season passes to our local mountain after our MC session tomorrow.
I love her... I want her but I do not need her to be happy. I am a kind, patient, giving, loyal man who makes a great husband. I am a good person and a hard worker. I WILL be stronger because of this situation.
Letting go at this point produces a great relief. Don't want nobody who doesn't want you, it's not healthy. Your love for her will fade into care.
Alot of people are doing what they see on TV, art imitates life and vice versa.
