"And how would my D8's life be better if her mom decided to get a divorce and be automatically granted full custody?"
First of all, you haven't explored all your legal options. You've only talked to one L. Try and ask around if there's a L that specializes in ex-Pat cases. Yours can't be the only custody case that's going on.
Second, your W has told you that you can go back home to visit with your D, she had no problem with that.
"The concert probably finished at around 11:30 or so. It was in a neighbouring town 3 hours away."
Then this needs to be discussed if you didn't know. First off, it's rude of her to expect you to stay up so late waiting. Next, it's rude of her to not call you to assure you that your D was okay. And lastly it was rude of her to expect your D to have fun with a bunch of grown ups where it only benefited her. She could have had you babysit and not take her to a concert full of strangers. Put yourself in your D's shoes. Do you think she had fun?
If you don't start establishing boundaries now while your D is young, what's going to happen when she gets older? Are you going to constantly give in to your W out of fear? If she starts saying that it's okay if your D drinks or smokes, are you going to sit back and let it happen? If you don't start establishing some of your parental rights now, she will walk all over you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I understand what you're saying but right now, based on my experience in this country and with who my W is becoming, it's just not a battle I choose to fight.
I look at my goal and where I am and this would go against my sitch at this point, and it might not even help my D8.
You may be right about setting those boundaries and perhaps I will at some point but for the time being, my situation is a bit too volatile and my being a non-entity in this country doesn't help me in any way either.
In fact, in two weeks, I'll have to ask W to sponsor me just to renew my visa to stay here as all the work I've got so far is under-the-table and the only other way I can stay is with a spousal sponsorship.
Besides that, she'll also be taking care of the lease for the house me and D8 are moving in next week. As an expat I can't lease a house under my name and landlords around here would rather deal with married couples than single expats. They imagine that we'd be bringing in loads of different girls every night.
Expat lawyers are very few and far between in this city (there aren't that many expats here) and my info with regards to custody comes from the one lawyer I saw and two psychologists who deal with marriage counseling.
I don't like this either mate but you have to understand, this is not the US or even close to the western world.
As an example, a few years back an angry mob surrounded the house of an expat because he had a bbq with a dozen guests and hadn't advised the neighbourhood chief. It's mad.
BTW, I just received 2 text messages from my W at 6 am, telling me that it looked like it was going to be much later than she'd thought. They were sent last night at 21:45.
I know that the kids should take precedent over the sitch but in my case, the two go hand in hand. I don't have the law to back me up if i think that W isn't being a good parent. My only chance at making sure my D8 has the best future possible is to try to save this relationship or at least to bring it back to where we can communicate without W going on the defensive and then counter attack.
Everything W does points towards MLC. She is no longer the kind-hearted, generous, thoughtful person she was 3 months ago but I'm convinced that that person is still inside. To you I might sound like I'm being walked all over (and often it feels that way to me as well) but I'm trying to balance a very delicate situation to stop it from going out of control.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
My child is a citizen of this country. I am governed by the laws of this country while I am here. A lawyer from my own country can not do anything as he probably doesn't know that laws here.
I am planning on consulting my embassy but again, they can not go against the local laws.
That is why, for the time being, I would rather appease the situation and keep the peace. This is what is best for D8 right now. I would rather save her from the ugliness of fighting parents and custody battles if i can, and I figure that I need to stick with the DB plan for now and see how things evolve.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
To DB means to do what works and if you don't see any changes, to change your strategy. You're pretty much saying that you can't do anything except one thing. Is the OM a native of Indonesia too?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I've only received the DR book a week ago and although I have been doing what turns out to be the LRT, I'm still improving work on detaching and 180s.
I've also read a lot on MLC on this site and the unpredictability of the MLCer's reaction makes it difficult for me to gauge whether what I'm doing has an impact or not. Sometimes the same behaviour gets different responses. I'm also starting to get used to observing and spotting signs of change on W.
I need to learn to DB and see if it works, and adjust what doesn't while keeping the peace, for now.
Everything in this country is going to change next week, with the end of the Lebaran holiday. Bars and restaurants are reopening and W is going to start to work again (she hasn't really worked over the last month). Besides, I'll be in a house and D8 will start school so no more late nights, and mire stability. I'd already told W that we need to put together a schedule to spend time with D8 and help her with her school work. W agreed. When it comes time to put that together, hopefully it'll be amicable and I plan to try and discuss more regular visiting times so we all know where we stand.
Til then, I think it's better if I do nothing.
The OM is local. He's a drummer in at least one of W's bands.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Arsene... saw that you asked for me to stop by.... Ill read your threads tomorrow and catch up with the sitch then. Not sure how I can help, but I will certainly try. Hope your evening finds you well.
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
Arsene, I am really trying not to engage too many people because I can't be here much. I know you have been getting really great support.
I do want to stress back to what I was originally talking to you about early in you becoming a member here.
I agree that you must tread... I won't say "careful" regarding your D8, but you do have to respect local customs and laws. So I think that to some degree, you are doing the right thing. Although I do agree that you may want to consult another local L for a second opinion and also to get an idea of your rights as a non-local, yet parent of a local born child.
Once again, if you have time and capacity to do so, please do more research into how you can better integrate with the locals and how locals deal with this type of thing, amongst themselves. There are cultures, even in developed countries, which do a lot to self govern. There may be some peer support you might be able to find, there.
I do not know the status of your visa, so I don't know if you might be at risk of being deported or detained in the event that you rock the boat. I really have no idea, but again... I do understand your caution.
Context... is sometimes everything... DB within the context of the society you and your D8 reside.
