right now i am pretty cooked up about this - but NOT acting on it. I am completely sure that i will be able to tell him exactly where i stand on this when the time is right. and it will be in the next few days, so he has time to rectify the situation.
i found where i am with this boundary and i am keeping it. everything you said is right - and i had already reached that before you posted.
i had to work through some fears about setting this boundary - they really came up after KD's post, and i will write about it later tonight. but as i worked through it i became more sure of myself - as a parent, as a individual and as a parenting partner.
what's clear to me right now is that we are going to be setting the precedents for our future parenting together.
I am going to make clear to h that he and i get to make the decisions of what does or doesn't happen in s's life , not either of us on our own or him and ow. right now it's him and ow and i intend for it to be clear that it is him and me.
I'm also going to point out that i respect him enough to talk about this openly with him and give him enough time to rearrange his plans as necessary - because i understand he needs time to process this.
one of his standard lines has been - for a year: I want s to learn that he can get himself out of a bad situation if he needs to (bad referring to our marriage). i got that line again yesterday
i believe that i am going to use that and say - yes h you are right, i agree with you - but as a parent and s still being a child, I want to teach him that I as his mother will get him out of a bad situation if i see it is bad for him - and he can depend on me for that.
about the party -- i want to go celebrate with my friend and i intend to - and h will have to figure out what to do, because i do not intend to attend if ow is there. it is not part of my value system to support her presence while we are still married in front of s. it is also as you said - MY decision if and when i wish to meet her - not when he or she decides.
so thank you all - i am going to practice here what i intend to say to him.
it will have to be by friday - because i want to give him a week to be able to sort through his stuff - not something he has given any of us ever.
how are you brit - have to run off to get the boys some snacks will write more tonight zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
