the vision of how you have handled the last few interactions in H's mind... perhaps letting him deal with that and w/ himself right now.. and the uproar he has created...on his own.
yes ng - thanks - i have to let things settle in with him.
there was more last night - i'm working on this image he has in his mind - he's sort of fixated on the fact that "zig, your income is always going to be zero, and you will have to depend on me"
so i let him know that i had thought about all the stuff laid on the table for the settlement yesterday and that he was coming out much worse off than me, so i was going to waive aside my share of his retirement income.
at the meeting he said the same - and i laughed and said - oh h i'll probably be making more than you in the next few years. it's true that for the next year or so, i will need some alimony until my income is more stable, but i fully intend to have included in the settlement that it is temporary and will taper off in the next 2 yrs!
i'm done with him implying in any way that i am still pathetic!!
gosh ng - i am still so fired up about this whole thing - but coming down slowly and as i do, things are just becoming more and more clear to me about where i stand on all these issues.
i am really coming into myself here.
(((((((( ))))))))) to you too zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
right now i am pretty cooked up about this - but NOT acting on it. I am completely sure that i will be able to tell him exactly where i stand on this when the time is right. and it will be in the next few days, so he has time to rectify the situation.
i found where i am with this boundary and i am keeping it. everything you said is right - and i had already reached that before you posted.
i had to work through some fears about setting this boundary - they really came up after KD's post, and i will write about it later tonight. but as i worked through it i became more sure of myself - as a parent, as a individual and as a parenting partner.
what's clear to me right now is that we are going to be setting the precedents for our future parenting together.
I am going to make clear to h that he and i get to make the decisions of what does or doesn't happen in s's life , not either of us on our own or him and ow. right now it's him and ow and i intend for it to be clear that it is him and me.
I'm also going to point out that i respect him enough to talk about this openly with him and give him enough time to rearrange his plans as necessary - because i understand he needs time to process this.
one of his standard lines has been - for a year: I want s to learn that he can get himself out of a bad situation if he needs to (bad referring to our marriage). i got that line again yesterday
i believe that i am going to use that and say - yes h you are right, i agree with you - but as a parent and s still being a child, I want to teach him that I as his mother will get him out of a bad situation if i see it is bad for him - and he can depend on me for that.
about the party -- i want to go celebrate with my friend and i intend to - and h will have to figure out what to do, because i do not intend to attend if ow is there. it is not part of my value system to support her presence while we are still married in front of s. it is also as you said - MY decision if and when i wish to meet her - not when he or she decides.
so thank you all - i am going to practice here what i intend to say to him.
it will have to be by friday - because i want to give him a week to be able to sort through his stuff - not something he has given any of us ever.
how are you brit - have to run off to get the boys some snacks will write more tonight zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
all that shows to me is that he still looks to me for establishing the boundaries, because he doesn't have any himself.
but it works both ways, and so one further step that you just propelled me into:
my stating that he is crossing my line - is projecting onto him the boundaries i would like to have, but perceive him having control of.
Yes. The deep meaning of boundaries, if you will. Well done.
Understand this, also. YOU hit the nail on the head, as well. A WAS has clear boundaries and lives them. Being unable to create or enforce one's own boundaries does indicate someone who... is "less than clear" about their direction in life. It does not mean MLC... it simply means they are "less than clear".
And THAT does not affect your choices for your future. It is nothing more than information. What it DOES suggest... TO ME... is... "he is NOT done with you, yet"...
Originally Posted By: zig
if i am to do something different here - not wait to see if he does or doesn't cross the line - but to make my boundaries clear - in a calm measured way.
Making your boundaries clear... is to LIVE YOUR BOUNDARIES.
Words may very likely be ineffective. You need to live and breathe your boundaries. In the same way that you live and breathe not ever rolling through a stop sign.
If you roll through a stop sign just once... then you show that you do not consider a stop sign a personal boundary.
Here is where black / white thinking comes into play.
A person who has a boundary draws a metaphorical line in the sand. They may verbally express that boundary. And then, if someone crosses that boundary who was told about it, they person who created the boundary punches the perp in the head.
The legal version of that is called a tort.
Either way, it's like you rolling through a stop sign. You may have got a fine for doing so, but that may not prevent you from doing it again.
Having a boundary is like drawing a line in the sand and expecting someone who is blind to see the line and not cross it...
It is OUR boundary, not anyone else's.
If someone is going to cross OUR boundary... rather than punching them in a head... it is up to US to be creative on how to live our boundary.
thank you KD - I am really proud of the progress I have made today and once again - thank you for propelling me there. I possibly may have not got there so fast without your wonderful nudge. loooove the way you operate
Making your boundaries clear... is to LIVE YOUR BOUNDARIES.
so you say that words are ineffective - as opposed to actions.
i get you on that - are you saying that I should NOT have this conversation with h?
if not, how do i show h my actions in this area, without giving him the respectful opportunity to understand fully where I stand on this now?
I cannot discuss with him that this is a decision he and I should be making , not him and ow?
I cannot discuss with him that I do not want us to set a precedent where he decides whatever and i decide whatever?
I'm not really clear on what you are saying. from past experience of getting certain things from your posts, i have learned that you lay out a sentence and it helps me to get to a new place.
But i'm a bit flummoxed here - how does one, when it's a relatively short time (8days) live ones' newly established boundaries, without saying anything? couldn't you spell it out for me this time, pretty please
i look forward to your reply
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Thankfully, my boundary of never floating off into space without a protective suit and oxygen is being helped by gravity.
So, if it is something that YOU WOULD NOT DO, you simply choose, over and over and over again, ad infinitum, to not do it.
OTOH, if it is something you will not allow someone to do TO YOU...
It actually is up to you to make yourself unavailable to have it done to you.
If you choose to no longer be abused by someone, you need to remove yourself from that person.
If you choose to not meet OW, then you need to NOT meet OW.
I do know the argument then goes around to stating the boundary and further, that we have laws...
The thing is, I have a personal boundary that I will never be murdered. Unfortunately, a law will only uphold the conviction of someone who murdered me. It will not prevent me from being murdered.
Yes, that may sound like a ridiculous argument. Yet... it is what it is...
One can play the "bigger gun" game.
Or, one can simply be responsible for their own boundary and how to creatively enforce it.
unfortunately, your boundaries are only about you. You can attempt to create and enforce boundaries around your S. Unfortunately, they are not enforceable, as explained in the above thread to some extent.
If your H has any access to your son, even if it is illegal access to your S because there is a restraining order... you actually can not... 100%... enforce a boundary around your S.
Boundaries can only be enforced as in regards to ourselves.
with out a doubt, yes... you CAN talk to your H and TRY to reason with him.
It MIGHT work.
Because really, it's all you CAN do...
One could further state that you try to influence your S by both indicating that you will not meet OW and will have nothing to do with her AND EVEN tell your son that you hope he has nothing to do with her...
