Month 3 no movement

[Arsene]

Glad you are approaching the day with a positive attitude! Me too!

About the rings, I wouldn't worry about it. It's hard to know what stuff means without getting in their head. I complained about my W not wearing hers once a few years back. She said "I'm just as married, ring or not" and I said something like "to me, our rings symbolize our marriage, and it's important to me that you wear it." From that point on, we've kind of understood where each other is coming from on the rings, but unless you've had that talk, I would just not worry about it. I'm not even wearing mine most days now, just simply because I've gotten in better shape this year and it's a size too big.

Yeah, I've been worrying about a wedding-band-looking ring W has started wearing since I got back. She was not a ring wearer in the past and this one looks just like a wedding band but she wears it on her middle finger. I've been upset over that ring, imagining that it was OM's and that she probably puts it on the other finger when they go to a hotel (people need to be married in this country to get a room together) and just yesterday, a mate asked me how I knew it was OM's.

I don't.

It might just be something she found in a shop and liked. Who knows, it probably doesn't mean a thing.

[Carnac]

Thanks Arsene,
Its entirely too easy to read into EVERYTHING in these situations. I will say that at least currently im still on the upswing as far as my mood goes. My W is being more friendly with my mother and thats a good sign based on history. When my wife runs/gets distance, she does it to everyone associated with me. The last time we seperated she wouldn't even get out of her car when dropping off my son at my mothers house. She started that way this time, but the last couple of days has started to slowly chat more.

Yesterday she chatted up my mother for about 5 minutes when picking up S11 and according to a text from my mother she didnt come inside this morning but was smiling and waving. I know to most it sounds absurd that I would read much into those things and obviously im mind-reading a bit here, but the truth is that these are normally signs that she's at least softening a little bit. Im not about to rush at her or make any sudden movements that could screw things up but am just going to continue on the path im on right now and let these things fall where they may for now.

[Mrs D]

Baby steps.

[Carnac]

Baby steps is correct, its all i've got but im gonna grab hold of it and use it for my motivation. I actually am quite excited b/c I've got an appt with my IC this evening. LOL thats pretty dang funny if you ask me that i'd ever be excited about an appt with a shrink. I think that life changes you, humbles you and surely doesnt always go as planned, and im learning to be ok with all of that. I can tell you that a few months back I was never ok with things not going as planned, now I see it differntly, rather than have firm plans and get bent out of shape when things don't go that way, why not enjoy the ride a little more, smile more, laugh more etc.

I can see the absurdity today in the fact that a few months ago you couldnt have melted me down and poured me into a counselors office, and today I look forward to getting there so that I can learn more about me and improve my relationships in general, not just with my spouse, but with others.

[Mrs D]

Carnac - I had a few baby steps today as well, and thats what kicked me into being cheerful, and positive. And maybe alittle of it is because I to have a T session tonight as well. Its good to learn more about you as a person so that your relationships can improve!

Interesting you say that you think life changes you, and humbles you... living it as well my friend. I am NOT the same person I was almost 5 weeks ago.

You should be proud of the person you are turning into. Just from the beginning I had read, up till now - you are doing the right things to make yourself a better man. One day your wife will be proud of you as well. Im sure she sees the changes you are doing to improve yourself.

I know this isnt something that is probably protical - but would you consider asking her to do something as a family? Give her a taste of what she is missing again? She is family orientated as you? Ive thought about that alot. About doing something as a family to trigger I guess. I know its too early now for me - but maybe not you?

[Carnac]

Thanks for the encouragement its always appreciated. I agree with you that im not the same person I am when this started and I know im a much better person today, and still have an awful lot of improving to do so im excited about that as well. I'll be happy when they have been ingrained long enough that I don't feel like I could slip and im sure that will take a while.

I dont think she would consider doing something as a family right now, obviously its something she'd be into if it weren't for the part of me being there....sad but true but I can smile about it at least.

My sons youth football league starts this Saturday and he has games every Saturday util November so we'll be around one another often and we typically go out with 3-4 other couples and their kids for pizza and such after the games...I dont know if she'll still join us as she has somewhat by her choice stayed away from such things, but my thoughts are she will probably join but simply avoid being too close to me and thats ok at the very least it will give her the opportunity to see me interact with others.

I appreciate your confidence in the fact that she's seeing it b/c she's so indifferent to me right now I often wonder if she's thinking of me at all.

[Mrs D]

I appreciate your confidence in the fact that she's seeing it b/c she's so indifferent to me right now I often wonder if she's thinking of me at all.

As the WAW at one point, I dont see how she couldnt be. Because I have lived that side as well - I can tell you my thoughts were still of my H every night. Even though I was having an EA. Wow, that sounds really bad. I wish my H had backed off and not come off as needy as he had for awhile. And I think that helps me some with not being as pouncy as I want to be. It is a big turnoff. But at the same time, I know with his constant being there - I didnt lose complete focus on him and the EA didnt turn into anything but. That being said - thats why I want to be so pouncy. Does that make sense?

Mind reading here, but I think she sees it all. She just needs to figure herself out as well.

[Carnac]

I know for sure she needs to figure herself out, she said that a few weeks back in the last 'real' conversation we had. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts as a former WAW its so encouraging to think that she can't simply kick me to the curb and never look back. I have backed way off, and haven't been needy at all, but I haven't been very cheerful either....gotta work on smiling more.

BTW just finished reading a post from Zig to mact and this was in there, I thought it was cool and thought you might like it.

Do this every 20 mins and
then when you can last 20 mins, stretch it out to 30, but don't go beyond every hour on the hour for at least 1 week.

If I do the following, I will find the right solution for whatever I am facing in this moment

[b]When I think about w or anything to do with her I will
1. slap myself on the face (one sharp quick tap on the cheeck with your hand)
2. rub some ice on my wrists
3. say to myself "mac, you are not reaching for your goal here"

Then I will go do something that feels good to ME:
1. read starsky's thread, or Denvers
2. read my goals list
3. do the dishes (e.g.. of something physical - push ups, run up and down the stairs etc)

You might wanna find the whole post and read it, its a really good post about moving past stuck.

[Denver_2010]

I appreciate your confidence in the fact that she's seeing it b/c she's so indifferent to me right now I often wonder if she's thinking of me at all.

As the WAW at one point, I dont see how she couldnt be. Because I have lived that side as well - I can tell you my thoughts were still of my H every night. Even though I was having an EA. Wow, that sounds really bad. I wish my H had backed off and not come off as needy as he had for awhile. And I think that helps me some with not being as pouncy as I want to be. It is a big turnoff. But at the same time, I know with his constant being there - I didnt lose complete focus on him and the EA didnt turn into anything but. That being said - thats why I want to be so pouncy. Does that make sense?

Mind reading here, but I think she sees it all. She just needs to figure herself out as well.

^^^ exactly.

[Mrs D]

I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts as a former WAW its so encouraging to think that she can't simply kick me to the curb and never look back. I have backed way off, and haven't been needy at all, but I haven't been very cheerful either....gotta work on smiling more.

BTW just finished reading a post from Zig to mact and this was in there, I thought it was cool and thought you might like it.

Do this every 20 mins and
then when you can last 20 mins, stretch it out to 30, but don't go beyond every hour on the hour for at least 1 week.

If I do the following, I will find the right solution for whatever I am facing in this moment

[b]When I think about w or anything to do with her I will
1. slap myself on the face (one sharp quic tap on the cheeck with your hand)
2. rub some ice on my wrists
3. say to myself "mac, you are not reaching for your goal here"

Then I will go do something that feels good to ME:
1. read starsky's thread, or Denvers
2. read my goals list
3. do the dishes (e.g.. of something physical - push ups, run up and down the stairs etc)

You might wanna find the whole post and read it, its a really good post about moving past stuck.

LOL ok that made me laugh. Im going to have some really red cheeks i guess.. when I get to the office tomorrow, I need to print this off!!

As for me being the WAW - Ill try to give you some insight what I was feeling. I know everyone is different, but something might help...