We start mediation next Friday. I'm trying to avoid communication with her, but she keeps wanting us to be friends.
I found out she introduced the OM to the kids. I went and demanded she never do that again. I threatened to go for full custody if she tried it again and I am contacting my lawyer to see what my course of action will be.
She obviously is not interested in R. Just hanging in there until we can get a separation agreement.
____________________________________ Me: 42 WW: 46 Married: 14y D-Day: 5/18/2012 D 12, S 8 Status: In my room, but A Continues
My lawyer will send a letter to her lawyer requesting that she no longer allow contact between the OM and my children. I personally asked her to not allow it again as well.
I just don't like the way she and the OM are handling it. I've read some texts from him, and I get the impression that he thinks he is replacing me as the father, which is really screwed up. It turns out his father left his family early in his life, but his step-father turned out to be a good father figure. I think this guy has a screwed up view that he is saving our children from a terrible father, like his own. My kids love me and I've been the one doing most of the work in raising the kids, working on their homework, taking them out, taking care of them when she disappears.
She claims she won't let him try and replace me as the father, and we are going for joint custody, so I will have 50% time with the kids. But I want to protect my kids from that OM if he has issues.
____________________________________ Me: 42 WW: 46 Married: 14y D-Day: 5/18/2012 D 12, S 8 Status: In my room, but A Continues
Ever watch the old man and old lady in the grocery store where it is clear that he is doing HER bidding and they are clearly so close. It is VERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY common. And yet, that couple is pretty much NEVER on this board. That passive man is clearly very attractive to some women.
Ever watch the old man and old lady in the grocery store where it is clear that he is doing HER bidding and they are clearly so close. It is VERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY common. And yet, that couple is pretty much NEVER on this board. That passive man is clearly very attractive to some women.
it seems like the quote from dbmod was meant to be posted into another thread. maybe there it is more relevant.
but I don't know whether the couple described ("old man and old lady in the grocery store where it is clear that he is doing HER bidding") is necessarily a "passive" man. if "they are clearly so close" then maybe he is just a *considerate* man, and he just *seems* to be "doing her bidding" because they have been together for years and are of one mind. or because he loves her and enjoys making her happy - so if she says "let's get this brand of coffee instead of that one" he doesn't really care about which brand of coffee, maybe it's all the same to him, but he *does* care about her, so whatever brand of coffee she wants is fine with him. and then maybe in the next aisle, he says "let's get this brand of tuna instead of that one" and she smiles and says, "yes, dear" because she doesn't care about which brand of tuna but she cares about him. what does this have to do with "passive"?
but I am guessing that dbmod's comment was in reply to someone who thought that a man needs to tell a woman what to do in order for her to "respect" him. sometimes what she respects is that he cares about her and respects her! and doesn't just order her around. I would call that "considerate", not "passive".
Don't fight a losing battle b/c it weakens you. So, unless he has a record AND OR presents a danger to the kids, Gabby is right
you cannot stop the w from introducing OM to your kids. You MAY be able to delay it, for awhile but that would be at great expense to you.
Right or wrong, Adultery in and of itself is not relevant to custody issues, and it's only grounds for divorce in a few states these days. Ask your L, b/c maybe you live in one of the few remaining states where it might matter,
Otherwise, the courts won't even go there.
If she wants OM in her life now, there are 2 options for you.
1) Focus your time/energy/resources on HIM, to try & stop something you cannot control...knowing that at most, you'll only delay him meeting your kids
OR
2) you can GAL and be the better choice.
While I can see the value of having c's and mc's and therapists saying "it's confusing to meet OM" that still may not make any "LEGAL" difference to a judge, (plus SHE can find one or two who'll say "it'll help them adjust"...) and suddenly you both spent $$ on that issue and
even if it "works", it will only delay things. The kids will meet OM if she is determined for that to happen.
Frankly, the more I reflect on it, the more I don't think he's worth your energy or time. State your piece to her, calmly and then let the cards fall where they fall. And prepare yourself for the conversations you may have with the kids about OM.
(In your case I think you've been clear about her not having the kids meet OM. If it's not something you can enforce and she's ignoring your wishes anyhow, I would not highlight the powerless aspects of this). Move on.
Plus, sometimes I think it's beneath you to spend this time and energy on HIM, and not on making your own life better.
Why not plan fun things with your kids instead of wondering what SHE and OM are doing?
If I were your child, my guess is I'd want that parental energy spent on ME, not on OM...
OR I'd prefer
seeing my father GAL, overcome adversity, act with strength and honor, recovering,
to SHOW ME, the child, how to do that so I'll know when I grow up b/c surely someday I'll be betrayed or face a setback. Model for your kids how not to fall apart.
Show your kids what forward movement looks like.
Surely If your L says there is nothing you can legally do about your kids meeting OM, then drop it. Pick your battles wisely and don't beat a dead horse.
As I said, It weakens you to fight a losing battle.
You'll get the kids half the time. That counts, and Lord knows it's more than a lot of men end up getting OR using even when they have intact m's.
You will have less tension in your life soon. And by GAL you'll create a better happier life for you and the kids.
But That's up to you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I could have linked it or described it better, but it was in response to the reference that taking a hard ball stand can make a man more attractive to women.
That is often stated by folks on the board, and there are so many different styles in relationships that are more transparent nowadays.
DR says you only do the After the Last Resort Technique, if you are willing to end your marriage because that's just what it might do. It is never the first or early line of defense.
