New to DB

[hopefulinga]

I would like to stroke his ego and make him feel like a hero. I struggle with how to do it, since I haven't been doing a good job of it. I am trying in small ways. For example, when I teach and don't come home until after 10, I tell him how much I appreciate his waiting up for me. I try to thank him in everyway I can.

Sometimes it is hard because he has no problem telling people that he will sic his wife on them. I get stuck in the role of bull dog and it is hard to go back to wife that would like to be the damsel in distress.

[hopefulinga]

I've seen him cry once or twice since we've been married. I wanted to hold his hand during the service, but was scared to reach for it. Since I am the fixer, he has a hard time when I need fixing. I will try the back rub and see what happens. Most of all, I am trying to give him space and understanding.

I mentioned doing a celebration of the friend's life later in the year and he didn't respond. Today he told some people that he is going to do it Labor Day weekend (he's good about telling people things in front of me that he wants me to hear but won't tell me himself). So I know that he liked that idea. And he wants to claim it as his own, which is fine.

Thank you for your continued thoughts.

[hopefulinga]

With all of the emotions going on, I forgot to report about something yesterday. I gave a talk to a group of professionals that serve the eldery. As I was about to walk out, the president of the group said "Are you married?" And I hestitated for a moment and said "I am" while I thought "for now". She said "Just curious. I had someone in mind that I wanted to introduce you to if you weren't. I wanted to tell him I'd run into the smarted woman I'd ever met."

That made my day.

[hopefulinga]

Venting...The double standard, again. And venting so I can get it off my chest and not blow up later.

A few weeks ago, my car broke down and H told me he was too busy to deal with it and dropped me off at the spare car. I ended up calling the auto repair place myself, which H told me to do because he was too busy to do it, and then a tow truck to get it to the repair shop. And then handled picking it up myself. For information purposes, my main vehicle is a Tahoe and the spare is a Jeep Wrangler. Try climbing in and out of a Jeep in a suit and heels.

H will be out of town at a BBQ competition this weekend. His friend took the RV which broke down about 45 minutes out of town. Guess who dropped what they were doing to go rescue friend? Friend is a grown man who is an elctrician. I'm trying to figure out why he can't call a tow truck on his own? Really??? Is he that helpless??

This is why I have problems stroking his ego and making him feel good. He doesn't give me many oppotunities. However, he does to everyone else so that they can stroke his ego. So, how do I compete with that?

[MrBond]

"So, how do I compete with that?"

You don't. He did his friend a favor which doesn't involve you and is none of your business. You are putting in alot of your interpretation of things based off your hurt feelings and in the past you wouldn't have given it a second thought (However, he does to everyone else so that they can stroke his ego.).

No one said that you had to stroke is ego. Being nice to your H and dropping a compliment every now and then are just things that you should have been doing in the past same as he.

You have to learn to separate those two.

[DaddyLongShanks]

"So, how do I compete with that?"

You don't. He did his friend a favor which doesn't involve you and is none of your business. You are putting in alot of your interpretation of things based off your hurt feelings and in the past you wouldn't have given it a second thought (However, he does to everyone else so that they can stroke his ego.).

No one said that you had to stroke is ego. Being nice to your H and dropping a compliment every now and then are just things that you should have been doing in the past same as he.

You have to learn to separate those two.

It doesn't cost anything, but for someone that's been too deep into themself for too long it may feel like ripping off a pound of flesh for them to issue these complements.

[hopefulinga]

In the past you wouldn't have given it a second thought

Acutally, I would have and that is why I am venting because I don't want to be crappy at home later on. I've felt for a long time that I get the short end of the stick and would let H know about it. This is by no means an isolated event, and is probably one of our most basic issues. And I know I shouldn't based my emotions off of what he does, but I'm not all the way there yet.

As for the ego stroking, somewhere in these posts, I've read that one should try to figure out what would make the other member of an EA/PA attractive to them that the spouse doesn't do or that the spouse should try to do to be attractive again (I'm sure I am not summing that up well). While I have no hard evidence, I do suspect a prior mild EA and the woman has popped up again recently but not to the same extent as before. And I believe stroking his ego is something that she probably does do that I am not good at. And I know that H has some insecurity issues. Maybe that is not the right goal I am trying to get at. Maybe I am trying to see what I can do to make him the knight in shinning armour, I don't know.

I do try to drop compliments when every I can. He dressed up for the funeral yesterday and I told him how nice he looked. I am also looking at the positive things he does and try to same something about those, no matter how small, as much as I can to reinforce the positive behavior.

I will try to separate the two. Dropping compliments is fairly easy to do.

[MrBond]

" I've felt for a long time that I get the short end of the stick and would let H know about it."

Then this needs to be changed. Did you ever think that maybe you can't be so sensitive? I'm sure he didn't maliciously do things in the past on purpose. Do you honestly think he goes out of his way to tick you off? He probably doesn't even notice it, which I know p@sses you off, but it can't be helped.

" And I believe stroking his ego is something that she probably does do that I am not good at."

Again, it's not stroking his ego. Let me put it to you this way. When you first were dating him, you probably complimented him on his clothes, cologne, car, how hard he worked, etc. And you did it because you were genuinely interested in him and not to stroke his ego.

Then somewhere along the lines those compliments changed into criticisms on your part. And soon, the compliments stopped and the criticisms remained. That's what needs to change.

"Dropping compliments is fairly easy to do."

Yes they are.

[hopefulinga]

You are correct. I am trying to not be as sensitive, and I will admit it is a struggle. Does he go out of his way to tick me off? Sometimes, possibly. With this, no. I don't think he knows he is upsetting me. Trying to do everything and be everything around the house, and keep up a job and civic activities, is pretty tiring. And I'm down right tired. I need help, too. And my fault is I assume he knows that. And then I attack instead of appropriately expressing my feelings.

For most of my life, compliments were few. And the one's H gave me and the help he gave me meant a lot. And I was and am very thankful for all of that.

Then somewhere along the lines those compliments changed into criticisms on your part. And soon, the compliments stopped and the criticisms remained. That's what needs to change.

This is my biggest and probably most challenging 180. I am complimenting more and biting my tounge if I feel like I am going to be critical. I've got to learn to do this when I get mad at things I cannot control. While I haven't DBed before, I've read some other books about marital communication and did some 180s in the past. They worked for a while and then the R got comfortable, and we both got back on the mouse wheel.

Thank you for breakinng this down for me. It is very helpful.

[mamabird]

it sounds like your H both loves you and resents you for your independence. He loves that you are a lawyer and that feisty aspect of you, but maybe he's not sure those are the qualities he wants in a wife. I know my own H has been making a land grab for control recently and I think he likes that feeling of being THE MAN - earning the money (and controlling it now), making the decisions (whether that's justified or not) and generally just exerting his will more.

So maybe it's not ego stroking per se, but just allowing him to have a little more "control". Is that an issue for the two of you?