Divorced.. #2

[Mrs D]

Hi Brian,
About the trainer - my ex still has some sort of software that he can read every text message that I have sent. Our phones are still on the same account - he knows the phone number. If Ive reached out to him, he will see it. I dont work out with him at all. And the EOBs from insurance still goes to his house. He has opened some on occasion - not sure if it was to check, or if it was out of habit - so he can see that I dont see him any longer as a chiro. He is also a computer expert. I told him if he wanted to check anything on my computer - I have nothing to hide. This right here is where I have lost most of my trust with him. I have no problem being transparent.

Thank you for calling me out on the FB thing. I asked my daughter again for her password yesterday... Ill just reach out to my sister to check the page for me. My daughter lives 300 miles away. So she cant just show me her page.

I know I am not ready to date him. I have alot of issues that I am still working on inside. But I just want to show him that I can be trusted, you know? Its hard to show someone that isnt around all the time that I am making changes. And that I can be honest. Its all about not having alot of patience either..

Thanks Brian for the swift kick that I do need every now and again. Actually it seems daily...

[Mrs D]

Mrs.D. Even though you are now D, I personally do not think that you need to give up and move on.

There are plenty of stats (even if they are low) that indicate some people DO reconnect and re-marry.

If that is what you want. If your X is not now M to someone else, then even though he is seeing an OW, he MIGHT still be available.

You are getting some really good advice if you do want to pursue that route, IMHO.

It is a good idea if you move forward with the idea that you are D and may not ever re-connect with your H in anything more than a friendship way.

Right now... no matter WHAT you do... have no expectations...

No one has a crystal ball and who knows... if you work on yourself and your X notices... he might even approach you one day in the future and see if the two of you might get back together...

YOU decide how you want to proceed and working on yourself will benefit you, no matter what the future brings.

THANK YOU KD!!! I am working on myself, and to be honest - I get kinda giddy every Wednesday night cause I know Im going to therapy. I want to learn what is going on within me. I want to learn to make myself a better person. I am VERY determined in everything I do - and this one I will not toss to the side of the road. I took our marriage for granted. For three years. I just want to make that lost time up, and make it better for everyone in the long run.

I am trying really hard with the no expectations part. Only reason being is like I said - I know the conversations he had with many people 5 weeks ago. I dont care who you are - those feelings dont go away within 5 weeks. Im trying not to pounce. Really hard. But like so many people, and myself continually say - I have to fix myself first.

Thank you KD again for your thoughts.

[Carnac]

LOL MrsD,
I just posted something similar on my thread, that its Wednesday and im excited about going to see my therapist. How absurd does that sound? I can tell you that a few years ago, heck even a few months ago someone suggesting I see a therapist would have been met with plenty of venom about how I don't have any need to be in therapy b/c I like me and if others don't like me they can simply get bent.

I am not here today to tell you that im suddenly Ghandi and calm all the time, but im an awful long way from that guy who would have said those things and not cared what anyone else thought of it. But I must say that I can still find humor in the fact that im looking forward to sitting in a dimly lit room with some dude and talking about how screwed up I am and how to fix that.

I used to have therapy almost nightly with my bourbon bottle some tobacco and a little yelling at the kids and suddenly I felt better, of course after all of that and almost zero conversation i'd be pissed if my wife wasn't interested in sex when we crawled into bed. Its actually hard to believe you can go for so long in a way that is that stupid and not realize it.

Keep working on you MrsD, I agree with all of the others, he WILL see it facebook or no facebook and the sooner you stop trying to tell or show him how your improving, the sooner he'll start looking for himself and wondering.

[Mrs D]

Carnac - funny I was very much the same way thinking if you dont like the person that I am, deal with it for a long time. If only I knew what it was doing to everyone else around me. I guess I needed to step back and see for it myself for me to actually want to fix me. Sadly though, in the inside, I had, actually I still have very low self esteem. So Im curious why it was that I was acting as if I didnt care, when in all seriousness, I did. Only to flip, and get angry and not care - do you know what I mean?

I as well look forward to Wednesday nights at 7. Sad but true. I just cant wait to peel back more layers of me!

I didnt rely much on alchohol till the weekends then. Then it was game on! Ugh to think of the person I was then. Im almost 5 weeks into changing, and I can honestly say I love the person I am becoming. I rarely drink. I hang out with people that are actually GOOD people.

I dont work out any longer at the gym, but when I did - I was doing crossfit. Alot of what I was doing, I can do within my home. Minus the row machine. I do heart that. But - I dont miss it enough to run into the trainer anymore.

I hang out with the best 8 yr old ever! We have always been very close - but he really is my little buddy. On weekends that I dont have him though - thats where I start thinking too much. Even if Im GALing - the thought is always there.

Ill get through it. Because I know I can!

[MrBond]

That's the way!

[Mrs D]

That's the way!

I love having a cheering section!!

In all seriousnes. I do love the person I am becoming. Baby steps. One day at a day. Still working on detaching and no expectations - but I know they will soon come.

[Starsky309]

I'm rooting for you too, MrsD. I know it may not seem like it, but I am. I just want you to be in a healthier, stronger place if/when your ex-husband comes to his senses.

One thing I've learned from my own sitch, and that's -- with God -- ANYTHING is possible!!! Romans 8:28, baby.


Starsky

[Mrs D]

I'm rooting for you too, MrsD. I know it may not seem like it, but I am. I just want you to be in a healthier, stronger place if/when your ex-husband comes to his senses.

One thing I've learned from my own sitch, and that's -- with God -- ANYTHING is possible!!! Romans 8:28, baby

Starsky

Thanks Starsky - it does mean alot and I do know where you are coming from. Something in my heart is telling me not to let go. Ive been in many relationships before I married him. Ive always walked away from a break up without a problem for the most part. There is still something definately still there. I see it everytime Im around him. I just need to learn.... patience... And in the meantime, focus on me without being selfish.

I think Im going to cruise over and read your sitch and the one Carnac pointed me to last night after therapy.

[Carnac]

MrsD good to hear you sound more cheerful today. My son is 11 and he and I have always been close, but probably even more so now. He spends as much or more time with me right now than with my wife and he and I have a great time hanging out.

He really is a mini-me.

[Mrs D]

Carnac - CHEERFUL and POSTIVE!!!!

Its funny - my son and I were always close as well, but it just seems that we are getting tighter. And maybe thats because he really is with me all of the time. After his Monday and Wednesday night visits - he doesnt stay at his Dads anymore. That will probably change with H is laid off come cold weather. But he is only with his Dad on those nights for not much longer than 3-1/2 hours. And then every other weekend.

That and he loves hanging out with me. We are always busy! Hardly ever is the TV on here. When he is with his Dad, its Xbox, TV - or he may be hanging out with his best girl friend from across the street - but I dont think he does much with H. And that breaks my heart.

That was one of the reasons that lead me to the affair. He changed though afterwards. I was just to stubborn to see it. Now he seems to be the same person he used to be. AND, hes picked up with the things I was doing previously - going out with people that may or may not be the best to hang with to bars. I think hes drinking alot now. He never used to. But, the girl is young. I believe he will tire of that soon. (mind reading of course)