To Lovingly Detach

[Arsene]

Look around this site. You'll find alot of them.

But bottom line is that you can't compare yourself to OM. You're you.

Thanks Bond, I'll have a look around. You are right. I'm my only competition in this. I have to be better than I was and not worry about OM. I think tht if it was just physical I could but now that it seems emotional, that she looks like she might be in love with him (or the idea of him), it affects me more.

I keep hope in the fact that most affairs don't last and that in this country, it's definitely not easy to do (although doable). Also the fact that he is married and has kids. The fact that he his a musician who might also have the vice of philandering usually associated with them. But in the end, I know that he's probably more a symptom than the cause and that any time I spend thinking about him is not helping my cause or my state of mind for now.

[25yearsmlc]

he IS a symptom more than a cause for sure. And if she is "in love" with him, don't worry so much b/c'

she's not. She may believe it but I can tell you of friends who had affairs and thought they were "in love" with their OMs and finally snapped out of it and went back home (if they could) and 2 of the 3 now say "WTH Was I thinking?? I was lonely IN my m so I picked THAT guy???"

The other one still thinks of her OM at times, and with regret that they did not meet earlier in life. I suspect she romanticizes things but she IS happy w/her actual h and 4 kids. She Just thinks the "love of her life" was the OM and that "timing is everything". So Those are 3 women I know who had affairs and are back with their h's.

OThers who had affairs, are not w/their h's.

But All you can do, finally, is your best. Be your best self. This does get better.

[Arsene]

Thanks 25, This last bit you wrote made me feel better. I know there are no guarantees but still, there are possibilities and that is positive, and all I can ask for at this point.

This evening, my W text me to talk about a day out she'd planned with D8. They are going out of town to an event with some friends and in her text, W clearly assumed that I would drive across town to drop D8 at her friend's place. (She didn't ask, she assumed - "we'll talk later about the arrangements to get D8 to my friend's).

I kind of ignored this and replied that I would make sure that D8 would be ready to leave for 8 am and I also asked if there was anything special she (D8) would need.

W then replied that she was thinking that it would be great if I could drop both her and D8 at her friend's.

I probably could have done it but not without canceling my meditation class so I told her that I was sorry but that I had a class in the morning and that I couldn't do it. I then offered to pick D8 up in the evening if she needed me to.

W was clearly disappointed and eventually replied that she would manage and that she would be here at 8. She then asked me to prepare some items for D8's day.

I wish I could help but I'm starting to feel as if she might be cake eating. She was around for the two days of Idul Fitri(when OM was with his family) and today, she distanced herself again and only texted to arrange for D8's drop off.

I suppose that everything was still conducted in a friendly way and I'm happy that I was able to "not be available" for her on this. I am also thankful that I didn't have to make up an excuse but that I did in fact have something to do (which she knows about).

Of course, now my "wasteful thoughts" include how she will manage the situation and if it involves OM. This I won't know as I won't be around when she picks up D8 (D8 will be with landlady) and besides, it's probably better that way.

Still going through hourly (it seems) ups and downs but pushing hard on maintaining PMA.

[MrBond]

Good for you. She was cake eating.

[Arsene]

I know that there is nothing I can do about it but it's like she keeps pushing the limits of the unacceptable.

It's now 22:30 and W and D8 are still not back and I got no news so I sent a text and still no replies. I finally called W and there was no answers so I called D8's phone and finally got a reply. They are still at the event out of town and W (who was next to D8) told me that they would be back around 2 am.

Is it just me or is this a bit unreasonable for a parent to keep her 8-year-old D up until 2 am?

It really troubles me because I had just made the resolution tonight to be more patient with W and to not expect anything and not to be judgmental, and then this. D8 has a history of getting sick when she doesn't get enough sleep and W knows this. I just don't understand her. I don't understand how she can be so irresponsible.

Nonetheless, I kept my cool on the phone. W told me that she had sent me a text (which I didn't receive) and I just told her that i was worried about their safety (which I was - roads in this country aren't safe).

I don't think I sounded annoyed and in the end I told her to have a good time and to be safe.

That is why I'm here venting now. It's so frustrating to see this and there is nothing I can do about any of it. Is she ever going to realise how selfish she is being? Or am I just judging her again? I don't know anymore. Have I not the right to worry about my D8? If she was going to be that late, maybe she shouldn't have taken her in the first place. What is happening to her? God! I want so much to love her and to support her but she is not helping me one bit now ,is she? Or am I just being unreasonable?

[Arsene]

W and D8 just arrived at 2:30 am. W didn't come in, she just pushed D8 through the door and left, actually blocking my way as f trying to keep me in. It felt like she was either trying to hide me or trying to hide something outside. It's late, I'm imagining things I'm sure. At least I put on a smile and tried not to sound judgmental.

[MrBond]

When it comes to something like that, you need to put your foot down as a responsible parent. 2:30 to be out is wayyy too late for an 8 year old.

[Arsene]

I know what you're saying and I agree but, there is really nothing I can do about it. The last time i mentioned something about what W did when she was with D8 (the fact that D8 had met OM and that she picked D8 up from school with OM)blew up in my face and as far as I know, she could still be doing it. As 25 says, if W goes for a divorce, she can get custody very easily in this country and then what?

I have to play it safe. At least for now, I think that W is still too selfish to consider taking D8 on her own but for some reasons, I'm almost certain that if I made an issue of something like this, she might use this as a muscle flexing opportunity to put me back in my place and do what she wants anyway. She knows how important D8 is in my life and I would not pass it by her to use that against me if she felt pressure.

Besides, I have a hard time believing that she doesn't feel at least a bit of guilt over this. She's D8's mother for F#$%k's sake!!

I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. She wasn't driving, she was relying on others for transport. She was there as a guest singer for a band and she wasn't in charge of the schedule and of when she went on. Things can get pretty unorganised around here when it comes to schedules. Maybe, I'll drop it for now but if such an outing occurs again, I'll make sure this doesn't happen again by asking specifically what the event is and what the schedule is. But even this has potential to blow up in my face. Arrrrg!

[MrBond]

You're letting her get away with alot. 2 a.m. is not a reasonable time for an 8 year old. Stop operating out of fear. And anyway, if your W was singing, who was watching your D? Is it like a bar that your D is being taken to? I don't know what it's like in your country, but in America, taking an 8 year old to a nightclub or bar is considered lousy parenting.

Does she go to school?

[Arsene]

And how would my D8's life be better if her mom decided to get a divorce and be automatically granted full custody? You're damn right I'm acting out of fear. Right now, it's not like I could even leave the country with D8 (not that I would be ready to put D8 through this kind of ordeal anyway), I couldn't even afford the flight out.

It's still the Idul Fitri holiday. D8 is off school til next week. It was an outdoor concert for the holiday season. D8 was with friends of my W the ones who drove them there. The concert probably finished at around 11:30 or so. It was in a neighbouring town 3 hours away.

Believe me Bond. There isn't much I can do at this point, thus my frustration. I am wiling to hear any possible course of action which would consider the above but somehow, I'm not sure there are any options. It's bloody eating me up.