This is speculation, but the boundary he speaks of MIGHT be the ML you and he had a while back. He's indicated and shows that he IS attracted to you, so remember...
Boundaries are for us...
The boundary your H might be speaking of, could very likely be a boundary HE will not cross... and he crossed it... so he's blaming or appears to be blaming YOU for crossing HIS boundary.
Hope that makes sense.
I do agree that he has a lot to miss, now... At the very least, remaining attractive, yet not available, could very well set him up to miss you... lots...
I am trolling this site of course, zig... although I am trying to stay away from posting and getting re-involved in supporting new people and weaning myself off the ones I am supporting...
It is just that every once in a while, there are some members who I feel very compelled to post to, as is the case with MandyRWAW and MrsD, atm...
You are doing well zig. I will always be here to support and validate what ever your choice is, for the future.
""This is speculation, but the boundary he speaks of MIGHT be the ML you and he had a while back. He's indicated and shows that he IS attracted to you, so remember...
Boundaries are for us...
The boundary your H might be speaking of, could very likely be a boundary HE will not cross... and he crossed it... so he's blaming or appears to be blaming YOU for crossing HIS boundary.""
wow, wow KD
yes i understand that it's speculation - but [censored], it sent shivers down my spine!! which of course makes me wonder if you hit the nail on the spot.
so i crossed his line when i openly offered to be with him because he's just human and of course is attracted to me and so couldn't resist - and then since he is unable to set his own boundaries he gets to project that on me and i am thus responsible for crossing his line, not himself for crossing his own line.
all that shows to me is that he still looks to me for establishing the boundaries, because he doesn't have any himself.
but it works both ways, and so one further step that you just propelled me into:
my stating that he is crossing my line - is projecting onto him the boundaries i would like to have, but perceive him having control of.
if i am to do something different here - not wait to see if he does or doesn't cross the line - but to make my boundaries clear - in a calm measured way.
wow - i need to digest this.
thanks KD - every time you come on my thread you manage to provoke some great insight.
i need to work on this for a bit in my mind
thanks zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I do agree that he has a lot to miss, now... At the very least, remaining attractive, yet not available, could very well set him up to miss you... lots...
just wanted you to know i got this message loud and clear - and i'm there!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I do agree that he has a lot to miss, now... At the very least, remaining attractive, yet not available, could very well set him up to miss you... lots...
dear sweet zig,
you were amazing in mediation, it felt like you were so calm and clear and present...similar to what you mentioned on my thread, that you knew that all of that is inside you and that you could access it at any time. you could just TRUST and BE... no distance from yourself, no protection needed bc you trusted that you were able..
and i like what kd and you have said about setting boundaries and letting him miss you.. the vision of how you have handled the last few interactions in H's mind... perhaps letting him deal with that and w/ himself right now.. and the uproar he has created...on his own.
(and you stepping in if needed for S of course..)
i think busting may be on to something... and the castle is shaking and in an uproar while you sit with us on the blanket and toast to what we are seeing in ourselves and each other... true beauty and grace in action.
love you, sweet zig. so inspired by you, too. ((((((((( ))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
i also bought myself a bunch of my favorite flowers - telling myself: zig no ones going to be buying you flowers for a long time, so you are just going to buy yourself some!!!!
So i have beautiful flowers on my dining table, and every time I look at them, i feel as if i am filling my own tank and i feel GOOD!!!
I love this!!! I had so many other things to say but reading this part....well it lets me know Ms Zig is gonna be alright. you're ace! And he is a fool to leave you and I am so happy that you are looking out for you. I did this the day after valentines and I've continued to do it. Take care of you. Okay multiple posts coming because I'm catching up!
Agree with Chatterbug. H reaches out for hugs in order to reduce his discomfort. It's better for all if he follows through on experiencing it. _________________________
ooooh I needed to hear that too. H always hugs me...
I have been wrestling with this lately and I wonder if keeping the road paved home smooth is giving them that support to continue on this path because we're in their back pocket.
This was a rough day a rough moment a scary experience and look at you! Strength, grace, happiness, joyful, friendly, warm, and I honestly *think* you did it FOR YOU not for him. You said I can go into this and resist and be a victim or I can be the happy confident person I am and you were. Go ZENA!!!!
There is that freedom in detaching, watching from the blanket etc. Do I think you should let him decide on his own about when he introduces S to OW? HELL NO!!! That's your son too and your right as a mum to say this is how WE should parent our child. This is how we should introduce people. I would have phrased it to him like this...Would you be okay with me having a man spend the night in my bed with S next door? With him seeing another man in the kitchen the next morning making a cup of coffee? With that man having a turn in the shower and kissing me when he walked out? Is that okay too? I guarantee H would flip over that! H wants some sort of approval from you that's why he was toying with the idea of introducing you. I think that's why my H was saying is this all okay with you. ANd I just said it's if its okay with you. There is absolutely no reason you ever need to meet any woman in his life in you don't want to. Even if he's been with her for 20 years. But's my opinion. But I would encourage you to put as much of that possibility out of your mind. But it in the same category as him telling his mum "I thought about getting a mohawk and dying it green" and her saying you're crazy and him saying you're right I don't know what I was thinking. It's all mind reading but any secondary information should be treated as a lie. As hard as it is until it's a reality don't deal with it.
