How things are improving Part Deux

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MAC MAC MAC

will you just calm down - you know what's happening here?

you're off work and now you ahve ALL the hours of the day to focus on your sitch, instead of the few that were outside your work hours.

see for yourself what that is doing to you.

you are wasting your much needed and much looked forward to holiday time by letting this sitch occupy your mind instead of using the time to relax, meditate, get to a good place, so you can be ready to get back to work.

I just caught up on your sitch - 5 frickin' pages of people telling you to sh!t or get off the pot. yes that's my phrase of the day.

why are we not getting through to you?

we have to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT HERE - my other new phrase of the day.

Do we , or do you?

what can you do different here?

here are some suggestions and i hope you use them,or at least act as if until they start working: i'm going to spell it out for you - taking it into consideration that you may need that. print this part out and f'ing read it every 20 mins - LITERALLY.

then when you can last 20 mins, stretch it out to 30, but don't go beyond every hour on the hour for at least 1 week.

If I do the following, I will find the right solution for whatever I am facing in this moment

[b]When I think about w or anything to do with her I will
1. slap myself on the face (one sharp quick tap on the cheeck with your hand)
2. rub some ice on my wrists
3. say to myself "mac, you are not reaching for your goal here"

Then I will go do something that feels good to ME:
1. read starsky's thread, or Denvers
2. read my goals list
3. do the dishes (e.g.. of something physical - push ups, run up and down the stairs etc)

[/b]

Print out what I wrote in bold - and carry it in your pocket - set the kitchen timer for 20 mins and start imprinting this in your brain. you just do it and by the time you finish both sets - your mind will have a chance to calm down, clear out the emotional overwhelming reaction and you will find the solution. if you don't find a solution right away , or you haven't calmed down, then DO IT OVER AGAIN - ALL SIX OF THEM

Just to be clear - READ this every 20 mins and DO them every time you think of your w or anything to do with her


here's what i think is going on - and it's not an excuse to let you off the hook. it's a good reason, but now when i am pointing it out to you, if you don't DO something concrete about it then you are choosing not to help yourself. CAPICHE????

i think that your brain is still going into fight or flight = and you literally cannot think straight each time you are faced with every minor development with your w. your brain right now is wired to just go there and spin off on it and it is going to take some considerable work on your part to rewire it differently

i think we all go through this - but it takes a lot longer for your brain than for others possibly because of the BI effects - thus starsky's referring to most people lasting about 2 weeks in the stage you seem to be stuck in.

but be warned - if you EVER use that as a reason to stay where you are at, then you are digging your own grave for the demise of your marriage, and the condition of your own emotional helth for the rest of your live. the more you keep repeating this pattern, the harder it will be to undo it down the road,

BECAUSE: now that you know, you can do something about it

about stating to yourself ""mac, you are not reaching for your goal here"

I am referring to the goal of possibly saving your marriage. you cannot even begin to do that until you save your own damn a$$, and from where i'm standing you are doing a not very good job about it.

how DO you save your marriage? by looking to YOURSELF for what you are not doing right, before you look to the other.

are you looking at yourself? what do you see?

do you see someone that is consumed by every little thing his wife does or doesn't do? can you see how that CANNOT possibly help your cause? do you see how your brain is wired to spin off the moment your w is in your head?

stop doing what doesn't work. start doing what works.

and that's not just in your actions - i will believe you when you say that we can't see how you've handled things over there with w for the last few days. okay great on turning that around, but it's time for the next step now

you have to do the same IN YOUR HEAD. you have to turn that around and it's a do or die, because the other way (just acting as if) can only sustain us for so long - then it doesn't work any longer and we slip down the slope again.

so mac - start with that - please, i'm begging you! the ice and slap are not a joke i made up - my therapist gave me these same tools and they are specifically for thought-stopping.

there is co-dependency here - but i think at some point we become co-dependent on the sitch - all-consuming thoughts of it fill the void for us that is created when the WAS's leave as they do. it's almost as if we are hungry and grabbing for the next hit or fix -waiting for them to f*ck up so we have something to feed that addiction.

watch yourself and you will see how you do that - we have all done it and still do it to a certain extent. so time to stop that addiction mac - yours is particularly bad now.

lets work on that - and i am expecting you to report back that you have started this little excercise i have given you - it worked for me. but just like any addiction you start by telling yourself - I don't want to be like this any longer.

so make sure you do that first okay?


i know this post to you sounds like it's in a really tough angry tone, but it is not - imagine that there is love and support behind all my words. i've been where you are in my brain and i had to fight like hell to rewire it. let me help you here mac, please - it will feel impossible the first few times - but the brain is so so plastic that you will be amazed how fast it starts to shift. if you don't do anything else right at this time, do this and it will be the most right thing you ever did for yourself


((((((mac))))))
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