I mostly agree with Denver. I do think that for the first few months of reconcilation, if the betrayed spouse feels the need to ask questions and get some answers in order to aid their healing, that the formerly-wayward spouse should do everything they can to create a safe atmosphere to do so, and to answer the questions as best and as honestly as they can. And the betrayed spouse, for their part, needs to thank them for their honesty and not attack them for any answers that they might not have wanted to hear. Often this obviously delicate ground is best covered in MCing, with a counselor well-trained in dealing with infidelity.
Once this healing period has passed, however, I would encourage the betrayed spouse to not bring up OM/OW, for the reasons Denver states in his post. I can honestly say that in the 5 years since my wife's affair, I've brought it up exactly ONCE in MCing (and that was over 4 years ago), and maybe 3-4 other times since then and those were all just "I think that's back when we were going thru our stuff" kind of casual references. NOTHING heavy or even containing any questions.
Starsky
I agree with that. I'm just coming from the perspective of someone who learned all that he wanted to know about the A/R between my W and the OM. I got all of the answers that I needed during the many months that we were working towards getting to a point that we could reconcile.
I don't have further questions, nor a need to know more. So, I try not to ever bring it up.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
