Yes, but thanks for the reminder that I wasn't dancing solo. I had my part in it and I can address that (after I jump the hurdle of the fear). That alone changes the dance. P can address her part or not.
how could you do something different so you don't get stuck in it??
This processing is it. Recognizing the dynamics, processing my feelings. Then I don't feel so deer in the headlights. I remember all the things I know that evaporate out of my brain when I start to feel I'm in a stuck spot. I always try to come up with mantras that will help talk me down, bring me back to where my brain will work again.
Originally Posted By: zig
Because she dumped me over her peeves.
yes i was so conscious of that for a long time - it did drive many of the changes i initially made. but there will come a point where you will be independent of that thought and your changes will continue, regardless of whether it was an issue for your spouse or not.
we need to continually strive for that point...
Yes, and intellectually I know that some of her complaints were real and valid, while others were just irritation and rationalizing - spew. Sometimes it's hard to know which was which. And even when I want to dismiss one as static born of her general dissatisfaction and anger before she left, I definitely have the emotional memory that gives me pause.
I know that I can't stay stuck and hung up on any of these painful hurdles. There's no way forward without finding a way to be open. If I let the painful spots close me down, then I'll just be on this treadmill forever. It's already been long enough to seem like forever...
I'm thinking that some good practice for me might be to replay some of the painful conversations in my head while using the internal boundaries I learned from Pia. Analyzing the painful things P said, having my feelings about them if they're true (accepting and apologizing), letting them drop and saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" if they're not.
