Lost and need some guidance on my next steps

[Denver_2010]

Now, what do you know about OM?

Well I know a bit about him. I know he's actually a lot like me as far as personality, musical tastes, sense of humor etc. I also know he's known as a bit of a womanizer, hard-drinking gambling type, VERY cocky/confident... And he's a firefighter. Kind of an Alpha-Male type.

She ended it when she found out he'd been cheating on her tons. They dated long-distance btw. When we discussed him, she always brought up how funny and caring he is, how much he listened to her issues and helped her talk about her dreams and goals (something I THOUGHT I was doing a good job of, but probably not in retrospect). She told me she's always cared deeply about him, but that he was "Incapable of loving her" and that no matter what happened between us, they would "Never be together"... Believe none of what she says...

Based upon what you tell us about OM, it sounds to me that he will bury himself with this EVENTUALLY. He cheated on her multiple times in the past, he will, most likely, do it again.

Yeah... don't believe what she told you. Obviously we don't know for sure, because you haven't asked... but signs point to her being with him right now. IMO.

Do you want to know for sure?

What if you knew 100% that she was having PA with OM? Does that change anything for you?

Would she be honest with you about it if you asked her point blank? I was 'lucky' that my W was. At least it gave me the full picture and allowed for me to choose my path based on the truth.

If you want to know for sure, then I'd suggest asking her...

"W I need to ask a few questions. Please be honest with me. I deserve the truth. I will not be mad and will still love you either way. Are you dating OM? Are you sleeping with him?" THAT IS IT right now.

I'd suggest not calling it an affair, because she probably does not see it that way. It will come across as an attack.

If you do this, you need to be 100% prepared for the answer. You cannot react negatively or angrily. You accept the answer and react calmly and with deliberation.
If it is an in person conversation, and you find yourself getting upset, politely excuse yourself for a few minutes. If it is on the phone and you find yourself getting upset, politely end the conversation and tell her that you will call her later after you have a chance to digest what you have been told.

IMO, you should have this conversation. You deserve to know. You cannot possibly digest the PA if it exists and you do not know for sure. You cannot begin the process of forgiving if you do not know for sure. JMO.

What can you do NOW to be more exciting, spontaneous, and adventurous?

Well I can certainly do some out of town trips now that I'll be getting some more $ flowing in. Just me going out with more often is being adventurous... and I can tell she's already getting more curious when she's asking of my plans for the upcoming weekend...

But since we're no longer FB friends and she's only following me on Twitter, I'm not sure how she'd ever find out about my 'adventures'. She's defriended everyone in South Florida, all my family and friends... just about anyone we had common connections with... Although I'm still friends with her friends... I just don't post to FB anymore...

I'd start GALing then. Use twitter. But I wouldn't just tweet about your GAL activities. Tweet about other things in your life as well. Your dogs, your job, your house, your family... whatever. Begin tweeting once or twice a day so that it is not obvious that you are trying to get your GAL activities out there.

This may get some flack for being game playing. I don't care. I think that there has to be a certain amount of strategizing and game playing. And it doesn't mean that I don't believe in the other stuff about working on yourself, coming out of this a better man either way, etc. I do believe in that. I just think that you can do both. That your goals can be two pronged: 1) Save yourself; 2) Save your M.

You want to build some mystery around yourself... and show your W that you are spontaneous and fun. How can you do that when she is hundreds of miles away and you have gone dark on her (more on going dark later)?

Here, you have a history of using twitter and you know that your W sees it. Use it. I'd also suggest that you begin posting on FB again too.

FB and twitter can be windows. Both for your W to see into your life without having contact with you, AND for you to see into your W's life. This can be a double edged sword for sure. But in cases like your's, where there are no kids that require contact about, I believe it can be used as a tool... just can't be too obvious.