Not a very happy story, I'm afraid..

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We did a "needs/desires" worksheet last night at counseling. W's worksheet was only half filled out. However, she did point out the things that I had done "wrong" in our relationship. Mostly they revolve around how I handle conflict or difficult situations.

For instance, she thinks that when we compromise on something to do, we end up doing something neither of us wants just to avoid offending the other person. She also thinks that I tend to get my way more often when it comes to things like which movie to watch.

There were a few lines that she left blank. One area was "what can I do to improve the relationship?" The other was "what can my partner do to improve the relationship?" She also said she still thinks things are hopeless and doesn't know what to do.

So it was good to actually hear some complaints, rather than her keeping them bottled up. I have a hard time thinking of how to do a 180 on those, though. We barely speak to one another, so I don't get much of a chance to prove how I can compromise better, or not take things personally. I think I made a step last week when I changed the restaurant reservation at her request. But it's awfully difficult to practice compromise without actually being in a situation that requires it. I'll need to do some more reading, I think DB and DR have some information on this.

More disturbing is the fact that she still feels hopeless, and she's not giving me much to work with as far as how to keep things progressing. I guess that means that she's not ready to trust or commit yet. Which is fair enough.

The other thing we did at counseling was work on a controlled separation agreement. Agreed that this would be 2 months, we would not date other people, she is going to stay in the other bedroom and not move out of the house, we would date once a week and we would both try to work on ourselves and the relationship during this time.

The counselor asked W to really take a close look at her schedule to see if she could make more time for us to at least talk to one another. I agreed and offered to talk about finances and stuff with W later that evening, but when we got home, she was very upset and didn't want to talk about anything with me. She was crying as we walked out of the counselor's office and still crying when we got home (we'd taken separate cars). I asked her what was wrong, how she felt, and she just said she wasn't ready to talk to me yet. I asked if she wanted to just go for a walk around the block, and she agreed. She still wouldn't talk and in the end I just said "I hate to see you upset, and if you want to talk, I'm here. Please try to relax if you can."

Tonight, she'll be at work again. Probably won't see her until tomorrow.

I have a hard time with this situation. It doesn't fit into the books' take as well as I feel it should. Her actions have been pretty consistent, but I'm not sure that I'm interpreting them correctly. I think I'm going to try and get a coaching session in this week if possible.