I feel I'm the better man, quite simply, because of who I am. I am extremely kind-hearted, loyal (sometimes to a fault), smarter-than-your-average-bear, and caring.
I know the above list is rather generic... But I also know that W feels (or at least felt) that way, as she told me such. Even just before she left, W told me that I was the kindest, sweetest person she'd met, that she knows she'll never find anyone who loves her the way I do, and that I'm "Every Girl's Dream Come True"... she just couldn't find her happiness despite being with this "Dream Guy"... Something IC and I hypothesize is because she has a hard time liking who she sees in the mirror...
I know that I would do anything for my W or close friends. I'll gladly put my own wants aside to help someone in need. I'm always trying to make people laugh, and I'm the person that everyone comes to when they have problems and need advice...
I (now) strive to be a better person every day, try hard to learn from my mistakes, and I'm quick to apologize when I've hurt someone.
Okay. I've caught up with all of your posts.
Yes, you answered my question.
Now, what do you know about OM? You said that your W dated him prior to dating/marrying you, right? Did you ever get any insight on him? Others may argue that OM does not matter and that you should move forward not caring about who OM is or what he is doing... I disagree to a point. I believe that it is important to know what you are up against.
What do you know about him? What did your W like about her prior R with him? What did she not like about it? Why did she end it?
^^ If you know...
Originally Posted By: AlkalineThoughts
I think these reasons make me the better person here... Although I might not be as exciting as OM is (especially now) I know that I CAN be extremely exciting, spontaneous, and adventurous... Something that I lost while we were having our issues (and a 180 that's on the list)...
What can you do NOW to be more exciting, spontaneous, and adventurous?
A couple of examples from my sitch...
1) went to a few concerts... my wife found out either from me or from FB postings. Details in my threads. She was ALWAYS very curious about who I had gone with. I was ALWAYS as vague as possible.
2) I took a few trips out of town to visit friends. Something that I had not done much of in the last few years. Again, my W was always very curious about who I was with and what I was doing. In fact, a couple of times she was furious about it.
More thoughts later
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I feel I'm the better man, quite simply, because of who I am. I am extremely kind-hearted, loyal (sometimes to a fault), smarter-than-your-average-bear, and caring.
I know the above list is rather generic... But I also know that W feels (or at least felt) that way, as she told me such. Even just before she left, W told me that I was the kindest, sweetest person she'd met, that she knows she'll never find anyone who loves her the way I do, and that I'm "Every Girl's Dream Come True"... she just couldn't find her happiness despite being with this "Dream Guy"... Something IC and I hypothesize is because she has a hard time liking who she sees in the mirror...
I know that I would do anything for my W or close friends. I'll gladly put my own wants aside to help someone in need. I'm always trying to make people laugh, and I'm the person that everyone comes to when they have problems and need advice...
I (now) strive to be a better person every day, try hard to learn from my mistakes, and I'm quick to apologize when I've hurt someone.
Okay. I've caught up with all of your posts.
Yes, you answered my question.
Now, what do you know about OM? You said that your W dated him prior to dating/marrying you, right? Did you ever get any insight on him? Others may argue that OM does not matter and that you should move forward not caring about who OM is or what he is doing... I disagree to a point. I believe that it is important to know what you are up against.
What do you know about him? What did your W like about her prior R with him? What did she not like about it? Why did she end it?
^^ If you know...
Originally Posted By: AlkalineThoughts
I think these reasons make me the better person here... Although I might not be as exciting as OM is (especially now) I know that I CAN be extremely exciting, spontaneous, and adventurous... Something that I lost while we were having our issues (and a 180 that's on the list)...
What can you do NOW to be more exciting, spontaneous, and adventurous?
A couple of examples from my sitch...
1) went to a few concerts... my wife found out either from me or from FB postings. Details in my threads. She was ALWAYS very curious about who I had gone with. I was ALWAYS as vague as possible.
2) I took a few trips out of town to visit friends. Something that I had not done much of in the last few years. Again, my W was always very curious about who I was with and what I was doing. In fact, a couple of times she was furious about it.
More thoughts later
These are good examples. ^^^ I think at this stage, people should stop focusing on trying to build LOVE, and instead focus on trying to build ATTRACTION.
There's a difference.
It's like when you're first dating: before you can get a girl to love you, you first have to get her to be ATTRACTED to you.
Now, what do you know about OM? You said that your W dated him prior to dating/marrying you, right? Did you ever get any insight on him? Others may argue that OM does not matter and that you should move forward not caring about who OM is or what he is doing... I disagree to a point. I believe that it is important to know what you are up against.
What do you know about him? What did your W like about her prior R with him? What did she not like about it? Why did she end it?
^^ If you know...
Well I know a bit about him. I know he's actually a lot like me as far as personality, musical tastes, sense of humor etc. I also know he's known as a bit of a womanizer, hard-drinking gambling type, VERY cocky/confident... And he's a firefighter. Kind of an Alpha-Male type.
She ended it when she found out he'd been cheating on her tons. They dated long-distance btw. When we discussed him, she always brought up how funny and caring he is, how much he listened to her issues and helped her talk about her dreams and goals (something I THOUGHT I was doing a good job of, but probably not in retrospect). She told me she's always cared deeply about him, but that he was "Incapable of loving her" and that no matter what happened between us, they would "Never be together"... Believe none of what she says...
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
What can you do NOW to be more exciting, spontaneous, and adventurous?
Well I can certainly do some out of town trips now that I'll be getting some more $ flowing in. Just me going out with more often is being adventurous... and I can tell she's already getting more curious when she's asking of my plans for the upcoming weekend...
But since we're no longer FB friends and she's only following me on Twitter, I'm not sure how she'd ever find out about my 'adventures'. She's defriended everyone in South Florida, all my family and friends... just about anyone we had common connections with... Although I'm still friends with her friends... I just don't post to FB anymore...
These are good examples. ^^^ I think at this stage, people should stop focusing on trying to build LOVE, and instead focus on trying to build ATTRACTION.
There's a difference.
It's like when you're first dating: before you can get a girl to love you, you first have to get her to be ATTRACTED to you.
BUILD ATTRACTION.
Starsky
I love this advice! Now how to balance "Going Dark" with building attraction!
I love this advice! Now how to balance "Going Dark" with building attraction!
It's Denver's "take advantage of your shots" stuff. QUALITY, not QUANTITY. But -- and this is a huuuuge distinction -- he ONLY did it during those periods where his wife wasn't in contact with OM, or at least when led him to believe that she wasn't. I think Denver would admit that if she were (in contact), and if Denver knew . . . and she KNEW that Denver knew . . . it would change the ENTIRE ATTRACTION DYNAMIC if he had continued to pursue/flirt/build attraction.
So after sleeping on it, I'm still very much leaning toward the Starsky/Denver approach to this situation... I.E. figuring out a way to lovingly tell W that although I want things to work out between us, I can't be so involved in W's life while OM is still in the picture.
The very THOUGHT of having that conversation sends my stomach into knots, but I know that writing that out in an email isn't a good idea. Having the conversation in person would be ideal, but as she's a few hundred miles away, it's not practical.
I'm going to see my IC in about 6 hours and look forward to hearing his input on the new direction I'd like to take. As always, I'll keep everyone updated.
Looking forward to hearing more from you guys too!
I feel I'm the better man, quite simply, because of who I am. I am extremely kind-hearted, loyal (sometimes to a fault), smarter-than-your-average-bear, and caring.
I know the above list is rather generic... But I also know that W feels (or at least felt) that way, as she told me such. Even just before she left, W told me that I was the kindest, sweetest person she'd met, that she knows she'll never find anyone who loves her the way I do, and that I'm "Every Girl's Dream Come True"... she just couldn't find her happiness despite being with this "Dream Guy"... Something IC and I hypothesize is because she has a hard time liking who she sees in the mirror...
I know that I would do anything for my W or close friends. I'll gladly put my own wants aside to help someone in need. I'm always trying to make people laugh, and I'm the person that everyone comes to when they have problems and need advice...
I (now) strive to be a better person every day, try hard to learn from my mistakes, and I'm quick to apologize when I've hurt someone.
Okay. I've caught up with all of your posts.
Yes, you answered my question.
Now, what do you know about OM? You said that your W dated him prior to dating/marrying you, right? Did you ever get any insight on him? Others may argue that OM does not matter and that you should move forward not caring about who OM is or what he is doing... I disagree to a point. I believe that it is important to know what you are up against.
What do you know about him? What did your W like about her prior R with him? What did she not like about it? Why did she end it?
^^ If you know...
Originally Posted By: AlkalineThoughts
I think these reasons make me the better person here... Although I might not be as exciting as OM is (especially now) I know that I CAN be extremely exciting, spontaneous, and adventurous... Something that I lost while we were having our issues (and a 180 that's on the list)...
What can you do NOW to be more exciting, spontaneous, and adventurous?
A couple of examples from my sitch...
1) went to a few concerts... my wife found out either from me or from FB postings. Details in my threads. She was ALWAYS very curious about who I had gone with. I was ALWAYS as vague as possible.
2) I took a few trips out of town to visit friends. Something that I had not done much of in the last few years. Again, my W was always very curious about who I was with and what I was doing. In fact, a couple of times she was furious about it.
More thoughts later
These are good examples. ^^^ I think at this stage, people should stop focusing on trying to build LOVE, and instead focus on trying to build ATTRACTION.
There's a difference.
It's like when you're first dating: before you can get a girl to love you, you first have to get her to be ATTRACTED to you.
BUILD ATTRACTION.
Starsky
To build attraction AND to build trust that changes are real, ie, that the M won't be the same as when the WAW left.
I believe that the love is already there in most of these situations. It just needs reawakened... rejuvenated.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I feel I'm the better man, quite simply, because of who I am. I am extremely kind-hearted, loyal (sometimes to a fault), smarter-than-your-average-bear, and caring.
I know the above list is rather generic... But I also know that W feels (or at least felt) that way, as she told me such. Even just before she left, W told me that I was the kindest, sweetest person she'd met, that she knows she'll never find anyone who loves her the way I do, and that I'm "Every Girl's Dream Come True"... she just couldn't find her happiness despite being with this "Dream Guy"... Something IC and I hypothesize is because she has a hard time liking who she sees in the mirror...
I know that I would do anything for my W or close friends. I'll gladly put my own wants aside to help someone in need. I'm always trying to make people laugh, and I'm the person that everyone comes to when they have problems and need advice...
I (now) strive to be a better person every day, try hard to learn from my mistakes, and I'm quick to apologize when I've hurt someone.
Okay. I've caught up with all of your posts.
Yes, you answered my question.
Now, what do you know about OM? You said that your W dated him prior to dating/marrying you, right? Did you ever get any insight on him? Others may argue that OM does not matter and that you should move forward not caring about who OM is or what he is doing... I disagree to a point. I believe that it is important to know what you are up against.
What do you know about him? What did your W like about her prior R with him? What did she not like about it? Why did she end it?
^^ If you know...
Originally Posted By: AlkalineThoughts
I think these reasons make me the better person here... Although I might not be as exciting as OM is (especially now) I know that I CAN be extremely exciting, spontaneous, and adventurous... Something that I lost while we were having our issues (and a 180 that's on the list)...
What can you do NOW to be more exciting, spontaneous, and adventurous?
A couple of examples from my sitch...
1) went to a few concerts... my wife found out either from me or from FB postings. Details in my threads. She was ALWAYS very curious about who I had gone with. I was ALWAYS as vague as possible.
2) I took a few trips out of town to visit friends. Something that I had not done much of in the last few years. Again, my W was always very curious about who I was with and what I was doing. In fact, a couple of times she was furious about it.
More thoughts later
These are good examples. ^^^ I think at this stage, people should stop focusing on trying to build LOVE, and instead focus on trying to build ATTRACTION.
There's a difference.
It's like when you're first dating: before you can get a girl to love you, you first have to get her to be ATTRACTED to you.
BUILD ATTRACTION.
Starsky
To build attraction AND to build trust that changes are real, ie, that the M won't be the same as when the WAW left.
I believe that the love is already there in most of these situations. It just needs reawakened... rejuvenated.
What you pointed out is sometimes it's not love, but rather a lack of attraction. What ways do we create and maintain "spark" of attraction.
