Not a very happy story, I'm afraid..

[9600]

You sure the word you want to use is "intimidated"? What about neglected? What about her wanting some focussed attention from you?

Neglected is a better word, especially for how things started. But she has said before how intimidated she feels if I am in another room, she won't knock on the door for fear that I will ignore her.

I'm not sure what there is I can do about this now, other than to try not to appear "checked out" in the same ways that I used to be. And, of course, to be more open to "distraction" from her.

See it as an opportunity to interact with the woman you love, not as a distraction from your "real purpose". This is hobby stuff or what? I mean is it some important work project? Even then, take some time off to make HER THE priority or any woman will feel 2nd place or lower.

Certainly, this is something that I've been working on for the entire duration of our marriage, so it is not new, and I think I've made great strides in putting down what I have in front of me to concentrate on her.


Why do you say this?^^^ B/C the way you describe her and the behavior, it's still going on. Is it?

When she knocks at the door, I drop what I'm doing and look her in the eye and LISTEN. That's what I mean when I say I've made great strides. I don't continue what I was doing. Most of the time I will get up and leave what I was doing if she wants to talk. I don't want her to feel like an outsider in my life. If I'm working on photos or something, I will ask her to sit and look at them with me.

I think things were getting better on this front for a long time. She would come into the basement and get me when she came home from work, and then all of a sudden that stopped (a month or two before the bomb dropped). It was one of the things I noticed that made me say, "hey things aren't right here." So, that's why I think some of this is rationalization. Perhaps she still did feel some discomfort at interrupting me, and dropping what I was doing was not the "correct" response for her. I don't mean to second guess her assertion of the situation, but I honestly don't know what else I could have been doing. And with her so distant right now, there really isn't a whole lot I can "work on" on that front.

At the beginning of all this, I didn't realize how bad I was making her feel. We had a lot of discussions and finally something clicked and I did realize that she was the most important thing in my life, and the other stuff I was working on (whether school, or work or whatever) is not that important. So, it's a bit disheartening to realize that whatever I was doing different was not different enough.

Good. Have you spoken to a DB coach ever? IT's cheaper than divorce and they are very specific and detailed.


Hang in there.

I have not spoken to a coach yet, but I plan on it. Thanks for the kind words.