I am still here, ALIVE!! Since this past weekend I have had no contact with W. After she said she needed me to respect her decision of moving on with her and SS13 life, I decided to do just that, so I have made a tremendous effort to keep away from them. The only contact was from my SS13, he called me to let me know that the dogs needed to eat because they were skinny. In my opinion, it was my XW putting tabs on me because my SS13 has never ever being interested on the dogs, much less call me to let me know the dogs need food. Anyways, I also refused this idea, by repeating to my self: "Do not start assuming anything about XW, just take it for what it is, the dogs need food."
I have started my own "brainwash", everytime I have a flash of her, I said to my own: "STOP IT!! STOP IT!! She is not your happiness, your happiness comes from the Lord God, and yourself. Your selfsteem comes from Him and you. Just remember, she is manipulative, lies, and selfish. You do not need that". I have to repeat that almost every minute of the day, but it is working, I do not feel the anguish on my chest as hard as a few days ago. The Lord is with me, and he is my strenght in all this, He will give me "wings of eagles" to fly over the storm.
It is an intense internal fight, there is still the need of her presence. Like I said, she is not my happiness, my happines comes from the Lord and myself, I am worth because the Lord has given me this value, and I must cherish it. The road I must go thru is full of MY OWN obstacles. The pain is inevitable, but the suffering is optional, therefore I have decided to feel the pain, and then let it go. I will not feed it because I do not need the suffering.
Again, I pray to the Lord for me to become a better man, and for the well being of my XW and SS13. I pray just for that their well being, it is out of my hands to change anything. The Lord has control over it, so I am letting him deal with it.
