Freedomland Ahead

[forward]

If he's asking to be "friends," perhaps you need to point out that you will be exs and you expect that being too friendly with an ex is not healthy. You need to detach and form new relationships. I don't think New Guy would appreciate it if I were too friendly with X.

Your X's comment indicates that he is not ready for this to be over, in my opinion.

X said I would always be his friend, but I realized we don't define it the same way. I don't regard myself as his friend now. I am kind to him, but I have real friends--people who support and accept me for who I am. After some of his behavior, I had to ask myself if X was a friend, then I didn't need enemies, did i?


As far as how to act in his presence....you get to a point where you don't care. Sometimes I care a little, but that's just human nature.

When you are indifferent, your R is fundamentally changed.

[BeingMe]

Well, we are back home. Got in late last night. I asked my H earlier in the week, "do you want marriage counselling or divorce?" He said he will not go to MC again, it never worked, so divorce it is. I called the mediator/lawyer today to set up an appointment. So, the difficult part begins, and I am so sad. He admits to being very unhappy and depressed, but won't seek help. He has admitted to being on a dating site, and meeting several women during his travels. I had to squeeze that out of him, so I suspect far worse then that. Not that I didn't "know" something was up. He believes we are separated so, as he puts it, "none of your business." Well, the separation part is debatable (never an official one), but on learning of these "dates", I really am more determined to continue with the D (I don't believe in dating during a separation ... you're still married). Only a miracle will restore this M, and I'm not sure I want one. Our M was a difficult one, but so many good, wonderful times in between the bad. Our crowning glory is our children.

I don't think I will want for anything materially (he says I can have the house and contents, and get 50% of his salary for alimony ... which, legally, I can claim anyway ... we will keep the condo and rent it out furnished, and split the profit). The failure to reconcile will haunt me for awhile. I don't think, however, that there was anything I could've done. I tried, he says he tried, yet here we are .... heading for D. I hope he finds what he's looking for in life.

I'm not sure I can ever trust a man again. If my beloved H can do the things he's done, what's to stop another man doing the same. My first M was abusive, and this one was abusive too, but in another way ... betrayals, control, lack of emotional support, loneliness, which I think each is worse than being hit by a fist.

So, I guess life goes on ....

[BeingMe]

Just remembered what my H said about himself. He said,"I have become the person I most don't want to be." I knew he meant his father. Then later he said, "he did find happiness eventually." This is someone whose 20 years younger wife (they're both pretty old now) waits on him, almost slave-like. She never complains (that I've heard or seen) about his dalliances (all in the past now, I'm sure, since he's in his late 80's and not healthy). She has stuck with him through thick and thin. I don't want to be that person. I told this to my H, and asked: "Is your dad really happy? If he was, why did he continue with the affairs. He even tried calling your mom awhile after their D, and he was married to his current wife." Is that the actions of a happy man? My perspective is that it's not. He was surprised that his mom told me about these calls. Of course, she wasn't interested. She and I talked a lot about women stuff. Now, sadly, she has altzheimers and doesn't even remember me.

Thinking of the dating site ... I realised why my H was dying his chin beard and moustach (sp?).

[BeingMe]

GWN has brought up the sexual abuse issue that her H has, and mine too. I thought my H had dealt with it years back, but maybe most of the issues we fight with in our M is linked to that. Fortunately, I have not abandoned my H, always fought for him, stayed because I really do love him. But, it's time to leave ... with the hope he finds some happiness in his life. I don't think he sees the abuse as adding to his behavior ... maybe it is, or not. I've not wanted to bring it up to my H, because I want to avoid the pain for him. He'll have to want to seek help, for himself, but he doesn't think he can change, and this is his true self (a cheater? a liar? what?). Below is the part I discussed with GWN:

"My H was also a victim of sexual abuse, around the age of 12. A so-called friend of the family who entertained male students with my H, getting him drunk and feeding him pictures of pornographic material while taking turns to abuse him. I still want to cry for that little boy, even though I've known about this for 14 years. He think he's okay about that and did get help a few years back, but I doubt this event has helped with the MLC or depression he's experiencing now. But, if he won't go for help, there is nothing I can do. He also hates to open up to emotions. He's shut down, closed off, and doesn't want me expressing my feelings to him.

I've tried to wait for him, 7 years, but it's time to leave."

AND

"About 14 years ago, he sought help with a psychologist for porn addiction, and the whole sexual abuse came out then. The psychologist had me in so that it could be explained to me. I had great sympathy for the boy who had to go through that abuse. I have always tried to let my H know that he is safe with me. Yet, there are actions he does that I see as a connection, but he does not. I don't think the psycholanalysis was completed (can it ever be). I think all this is still connected, but he will not discuss it, or any kind of emotional feeling.

I will check out the site. Thanks. Sadly, I think it's too late for us. I've waited years, and sometimes the wife of a victim has to find peace and a life for herself too. But, I will be there for him, if he needs me to be, and if I still can be."

[WenikiTiki]

Hey BeingMe!

Reading your story seems like more of the MLC script. My STBXH told me we were 'separated' and that what he does is 'none of my business'. Of course the separation was verbal not legal. Now I just see it all as funny.

I have reached the special place called "WHATEVER". Best said in a Valley Girl inflection.

I hope you get what you need and find happiness.

[BeingMe]

Hi Wendy! Yeah, I'm getting back to the "whatever" stage. I suspected that he was up to something anyway. So, he was just confirming my suspicions. Still, I had hoped that my suspicions would prove foundless. Duh me!

I will be okay ... I know it. I am a pretty strong person. I do wear my heart on my sleeve, but rather that then being an emotional desert, hiding away from the world, uncommitted. I hope he finds happiness. I fear it'll only be by looking inside, and finding it there, rather than expecting some poor woman to answer all his dreams. She would be bound to fail, like I did, once she disagrees with him about anything.

[beatrice]

BeingMe - you didn't fail. There is a huge difference between acknowledging our own faults and errors in the marriage, and what our husbands have done which is to blame others for how they feel. Externalising your feelings onto others - either blaming them or thinking they will solve your problems is never going to be a good long term strategy. And it is abusive of the other person because it is using them rather than relating to them.

I think most of us would have leapt at the chance to work on the marriage and address the issues that bugged them and that bugged us too. But they prefer to walk away.

You will come to the point when you feel in every part of you, what you now think and understand, and that is a place of real peace! And unlike many here you will not have financial problems, which I know you realise is a blessing!.

You will be fine, though the divorce process is punishing

[AJM]

To put a finer point on it: they chose to walk away. Preference or not, it is what it is.

My ex accused me of many things. One she tried, was to say I cheated on her. Another accusation was that I failed and that our divorce was "pathetic". I pointed out then and still believe, that while I'm not perfect and certainly had my own issues that may or may not have contributed to the demise, I did not fail. She walked away.

It's never over until somebody stops trying. That's reality. Acceptance of that is what takes a while, often because we continue to try long after they walked away. We try until either things change or until we have nothing left to try. It's also reality because it is who we are.

I can accept that peacefully knowing it is real and not anger or blaming or anything other than what it is.

B's right, divorce is tough. It's tougher if you make it that way.

AJ

[BeingMe]

Yeah, I agree ... it's not really my failure ... it just feels that way. I've decided to let go of the online dating thing, where he actually went out with a few women. H cancelled his account in April, which usually means someone stuck with him. Otherwise, why stop? Doesn't matter anymore.

For fun, I opened an account with Match.com. I'm definitely not ready for dating, but chatting with other men may help me get the practice I've not had in 27 years. Let's see what happens. I only got a 1 month account. Already, there are several men are winking at me. So weird! My photo has me holding my one grandson. I hope they're not winking at him. EW!

[BeingMe]

I'm not going out with him in public again. He was obviously eyeing the waitress who mildly flirted with him (young enough to be his daughter). Can't even have dinner with friends with him now. Ugh! Lesson learned.