Freedomland Ahead

[BeingMe]

Well, we are back home. Got in late last night. I asked my H earlier in the week, "do you want marriage counselling or divorce?" He said he will not go to MC again, it never worked, so divorce it is. I called the mediator/lawyer today to set up an appointment. So, the difficult part begins, and I am so sad. He admits to being very unhappy and depressed, but won't seek help. He has admitted to being on a dating site, and meeting several women during his travels. I had to squeeze that out of him, so I suspect far worse then that. Not that I didn't "know" something was up. He believes we are separated so, as he puts it, "none of your business." Well, the separation part is debatable (never an official one), but on learning of these "dates", I really am more determined to continue with the D (I don't believe in dating during a separation ... you're still married). Only a miracle will restore this M, and I'm not sure I want one. Our M was a difficult one, but so many good, wonderful times in between the bad. Our crowning glory is our children.

I don't think I will want for anything materially (he says I can have the house and contents, and get 50% of his salary for alimony ... which, legally, I can claim anyway ... we will keep the condo and rent it out furnished, and split the profit). The failure to reconcile will haunt me for awhile. I don't think, however, that there was anything I could've done. I tried, he says he tried, yet here we are .... heading for D. I hope he finds what he's looking for in life.

I'm not sure I can ever trust a man again. If my beloved H can do the things he's done, what's to stop another man doing the same. My first M was abusive, and this one was abusive too, but in another way ... betrayals, control, lack of emotional support, loneliness, which I think each is worse than being hit by a fist.

So, I guess life goes on ....