TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
if a loaded train travelling full speed could pack any more punches than i got dished today - i would really be amazed!!
the radio silence - what can i say - when one is sitting on a blanket, stepped off the f'ing track and just trying to avoid getting run over - then there is radio silence until the end of the day
KD - if you're there - the train just simply cannot run much faster than it is now. it is hurtling down the tracks full speed - and I AM OUT OF IT'S WAY!!
Busting, Stubborn, Labug, needgrace, vera. brit - all my lovely ladies - you are so in my heart right now.
you all gave me SOOOOOO much strength today.
I peeped in after the mediators - and saw all your messages - but did not have time to post.
then when i came back - i saw more - and what can i say? so many hugs, so much love and support. my love to you all in return
so much was said, so much talked about, that right now, i'm not even quite sure what really happened. so i'll try to write it down a bit.
from the Audacious zig munching on a strawberry:
zig arrived at the mediators with only 2 thoughts in her mind: I am going to act as if I am okay with this Divorce AND If it is my intention that I wish to live with this man for the rest of our lives, he is the best person to do the best of things with and the worst of things with.
He was there in the parking lot - looking as if he was going to cry - he wanted to talk about s, so i told him happily what a wonderful evening we had the night before playing frisbee with our friends. Then he started complaining about the crappy building and what kind of mediator would this be if she had her office here and how this was really f'ing hard. I said c'mere h and he practically leaped into my arms for a hug!
so how many zigs do you know who made their spouse laugh and relax during mediation and the mediator too!!
i walked in there, and suddenly I knew that it was me who had all the power - I was the one who got to decide how this went down - i was the one who got to decide if i was going to be angry and nasty and argumentative, or relaxed and co-operative and supportive. and depending on what i decided that's how the proceedings would go.
the last of h's power over me and the sitch finally fell away. i could make him laugh - which i did several times, or i could make him more resistant. i even teased him a bit when he got all funny or said something that was off the wall. I was completely determined to keep the atmosphere light
but ladies, believe me , when i say i laid out what i wanted and how i wanted it and i could tell that he was a bit floored. he had no idea i even knew those words!! so even though i was being wonderful, i was firm about what i saw that was important to me.
a very small subtle thing happened - and i'm not reading any meaning into it, but just thought it was so interesting. you know how body language says so much? well in the beginning we were both facing the mediator, soon after we started i turned my chair so i was half facing h, and made a point to look directly at him when i spoke to him. for the first half he only looked straight ahead even while he spoke to me - by the last 20 mins - he had turned his chair all the way so we were facing each other.
when we came out - he wanted to know if we could still talk, i offered that we could go have a coffee and he said yes right away - funny ass thing how life works - going alone for a coffee - it's been on my r goal list for months!!
by the time he came out it was so late and i had another appointment so i said it wouldn't work, did he want to meet for lunch later. Yes, definitely. i was a bit surprised - here i have been waiting for h to agree to one pathetic coffee since last october - and he was agreeing to lunch - after i had totally given up weeks ago that something like that would ever happen. another hug that he really wanted!!
he didn't just agree - he wanted to really make sure that it was going to happen - in fact he let me know that he was blowing off work so he could meet me for lunch!! he called twice to make sure and so we met.
it was actually quite pleasant - most of lunch was about how we were going to raise s while divorced. he even brought up his deep fear of me moving and let me know how anywhere i decided to move, he was going to move there too because he never wanted to be separated from s. i told him - h, i am assuring you right now that i am not going to just take off, and i hope like hell that neither of us will follow that stupid state guideline of giving each other 30 days notice before we move - and that we would instead, if either of us was thinking about it talk to each other right from the beginning.
so we finished eating and then he said - you and i get along so well . i'm really afraid to f it up. i said what do you mean - and he replies - i am so worried that if i decide things you don't agree with i will lose the connection with you.
i said, at this point i hardly expect you to be very concerned about what sort of connection we had..
so to make a long long story short - it finally came out - ow is coming now on labor day weekend and she's arriving on thurs - when he still has s. i asked if that meant he was going to introduce s to her and he said he hadn't decided yet. i pointed out that if he had agreed to her coming that day then obviously he had decided that in some way.
this went on and on for a bit.i didn't argue with him - it was mostly him saying i don't know i haven't decided yet, i don't know what to do. i finally spelled the f'ing thing out for him -
H, i said, this is what i'm assuming is about to happen and please correct me if i am wrong. you are going to let s know maybe a day or two before thurs that ow is coming , go with him to the airport pick her up bring her back and sleep in the same bed with her that night and that's how s is going to find out about your relationship. then you'll wake up the next morning drop him to school and i'll get to pick him up after that. you won't decide until the last minute and if you change your mind you are going to call me and dump him on me
His reply, with a weak laugh: yes that's basically it - you are absolutely right
then he said - i don't know what's the right way to do this.
my reply: here's something you could do - imagine yourself when you were 11 and this was something that your father was about to tell you. imagine how you would like to find out - what would feel like the hardest way, what would feel like the easiest way?
he protested that no one can imagine that - and i just shrugged and said - try it if you feel like, you may find that an answer comes to you
later i said to him - you know there will always be times when either of us don't agree on what the other is doing with s. i have decided that i am always going to act like i would want you to act towards me if you don't agree with what i am doing.
in the end - i really put the ball in his court - told him that he had asked me what my view was on this, that i wanted this to wait until after the d , but had no control over what he decided but it was entirely in his hands and i was going to trust completely that he would do what was right for s's emotional health
then he started r talk - i gave it about 3 seconds, pulled out my phone and said oops gotta go. heck we'd been at the restaurant for an hour and a half by then!! when we got up - this time he hugged me!!
came home - mil called - to see if i was ok. i asked why and she said h told me this morning 5 mins before he left to the mediators that it was today. i've been wanting to call all day to see if you are okay.
i was like -mil - this D is going through by november and i've helped this man not to cry all morning and afternoon. and i think he was asking me what to do and how to do it with introducing ow and s. she went ballistic. then she told me he had come to her and told her how he was planning to bring ow to one of our best friends 50th b'day party on the 30th -and f'ing INTRODUCE me to her
apparently she screamed at him that he was crazy! and he said okay okay i was just wondering if i could do that.
well that's beyond my line of tolerance. period.
to put me, s and all our friends in that position - it's beyond beyond
this man is doing a GREAT job at helping me detach and completely let go!! i do believe i have something more to thank him for!!
so after that, i went and picked s up from school, we went to the florist and got the most beautiful flower arrangement ever - i don't know what i did, but the woman was so happy with us that when i asked her to make us a $40 version of the $65 arrangement she had ready, she made us even a bigger one and s and I walked out of there beaming.
the flowers were for h's grandparents - it's their actual anniversary today and i had promised my mom to take them over to them from my parents. grandparents were so thrilled - and s and i hung out with them and had a lovely lovely time.
i also bought myself a bunch of my favorite flowers - telling myself: zig no ones going to be buying you flowers for a long time, so you are just going to buy yourself some!!!!
So i have beautiful flowers on my dining table, and every time I look at them, i feel as if i am filling my own tank and i feel GOOD!!!
and i have met my goals with s every evening - and he is loving me like never before and has that wonderful open shining smile on his face that i love.
and what have i learned today?
be careful what you ask for - i asked for a lunch date for months with h (to the universe that is) and i sure as hell got it, with a wheelbarrow full of his muck!!
but i got my sh!t together and made sure that i didn't wheel the damn thing home with me!!
lunch was yummy though
so lovely ladies - sorry this is soooo long (again!!!) i think i left out two thirds!!
but i bought some really fancy scotch and i'm waiting on the blanket. and this time it's not just strawberries - they are dipped in dark chocolate!! y'all better hop on fast because this one's definitely floating up....
would it be really goofy if i did a hug to all of you that filled the entire line??? oh heck why not!!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((to all my lovely friends))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
ooh - i've been wanting to see what that looks like
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
My opinion? He's not done with you, yet... He's still confused and undecided. I can only guess that since he last "decided" that things won't work out with OW, OW has since "convinced him" to take her back... and involve her in his life... He's getting plenty of feedback telling him "that's not cool nor OK with his mom" and possibly others... he may "dig in" to prove no one can tell him what he can or can not do...
And IF OW is manipulating him (which is quite likely), then the chances of things working out between the two of them is... well... less than guaranteed...
He still wants a connection with you...
He is still confused...
That's all it is. You still choose and follow your path as is your power.
, when i say i laid out what i wanted and how i wanted it and i could tell that he was a bit floored. he had no idea i even knew those words!! so even though i was being wonderful, i was firm about what i saw that was important to me.