No worries, Carnac. Really, all I was trying to reinforce is that while 3 months feels like forever, you still have along way to go. And as Labug points out, the gift of time is just that, a gift! Use the time wisely. Turn your focus away from your WAS and continue the work on you and don't forget to GAL. Didn't you say something previously about boxing, sword fighting or something like that?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Carnac, this is good input. It’s very helpful for a lot of people out there! I feel it doesn’t matter if we are new or vets, this is just how it works sometimes. The way you describe W is “flat” and I wouldn’t read into it too much. To be honest, I feel I am somewhat flat with my W. Maybe it’s just because I am a bit numb or that I am not very good at expressing my feelings (or don’t want to) which it sounds like your W has a hard time doing.
Regardless, everything you talk about resonates with me. It’s interesting that you brought up this subject because on my way to work this morning. BTW, I am also a desk jockey that can do what I want without getting much kickback. I was thinking how good it would be if I had a job in another industry, say construction. That way I would be out in the field so I wouldn’t be in front of my computer but the more I thought about it, I still would obsess about my sitch. I feel it’s going to happen regardless of profession, new/vet, etc….. It’s because we love our wives and we care, we want our family to be intact!!!!
Once again, please stay strong buddy, don’t let her scare you, don’t let her get to you. That’s my choice and it’s your choice. I love my W so much but I doubt I would take her back the way things were between us, I wouldn’t give in. I am not saying this is you by any means, just expressing my thoughts. I guess it's just the mindset I have because if I want to grow I need to remember all the challenges that we had.
Yes, I want to have a better and happier marriage, no doubt about that however just because my W is the one that initiated the separation, I still don’t have the mindset that she’s the one holding all the cards.
Rough,
Me(M):38 W:43 T: 14 M: 11 S: 8 D: 4 W wanted separation 5/5 Stopped living together 5/5
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
Just a thought about stopping obsessing over your sitch. I know I've mentioned this before and I know it's not necessarily for everyone but I started doing meditation a while ago, and while I am still not in total control, it has helped me clear my mind during some of the bad moments and to stay focused on the positive during the blah, everyday moments.
I do think about my sitch quite a bit as well but most of the time I can chose my thoughts and make them positive ones (I said MOST of the time).
Hope this helps,
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I did actually talk about taking up boxing, its something my S11 has wanted to do for a long time, and I think at least the training side of it would be alot of fun to me as well. At 39 im not real sure im interested in getting in the ring and someone punching back, but I could work a bag over pretty good. Something like that will have to wait until November though, I coach my sons youth football team and our season starts on Saturday so between 3 day a week practices and games on Saturday and church on Sunday there's not alot of time to squeeze in something else right now. At least for now my early morning runs will have to suffice.
I will say that as far as 180, GAL goes etc I did go to a parent/child kickball game last Saturday with my S11 and we had a great time. If not for this sitch, im positive I wouldnt have played. One of us would have most likely dropped him off, or at the most stayed there but not participated, but I played and I had a great time, but more importantly it really made an impression on him and I was happy to see him smile like that....(and I know I shouldnt care, but he's gonna tell him mom all about it b/c thats what he does and she'll be surprised...can't hurt right).
Im trying to find more that he and I can do together at times, im really trying to balance b/c I know it can't be a party everytime we're together, but I was so against it being a party all the time before that we ended up doing nothing so we've seen a movie and played kickball in the last couple of weeks. Im thinking real soon we'll throw in some bowling...im terrible, but i've always had a good time doing it.
Ok, im going to journal a bit and be as upbeat as I can without getting my hopes up. Here is what is good about my sitch currently....there has been no movement or talk about D. My SS16 spoke to me for the first time last week since this whole ordeal began. My SS16 and S11 have always gotten on and off of the school bus at my parents house, but SS16 really dislikes my mother and hasn't wanted to be there at all, but this morning on day 2 of school he was dropped off along with S11 to wait on the bus and my mother called and said he was a bit distant but said I love you when he left.
My dad apparently spoke to my wife this morning, im sure it was mostly about his recent health problems b/c she's an Rn, but regardless my wife respects my father more than anyone in my family and if she thinks this is hurting him it will at least cause her to think about things.
And finally she sat outside yesterday evening the entire time that we had our football practice at our house. For those that dont know I coach S11's team and we practice at our house b/c we have the space...anyway, she's been sitting inside each practice and not outside watching like she used to, but last night she sat outside the entire time. She didnt come over to the practice field where she used to sit, but she was outside on the porch facing the practice the entire time.
Oh, forgot one more, she walked over on two different occasions to talk, neither time was it about me at all, one was to deliver a message and one because S11 had a bloody nose, but we at least interacted and I noticed that she was still wearing her wedding band. I'll admit i've looked every time i've been around her and its always been there. I know it probably shouldnt matter but it does on some level b/c apparently I care.
So thats my upbeat post for the day and im going to have a good day today...who is with me?
Also one question, since we've seperated i've noticed she doesn't wear her engagement ring, only the wedding band....is that some seperation signal that I dont know about or what? It may simply be her wanting to take off everything I have ever given her but not her wedding ring but I was just curious.
Carnac - your post was very upbeat! I am going to have a great day with you as well!
Im glad you SS16 is coming back around. Hopefully your relationship with him continues to get stronger as well. I found out last night from my daughter that H has been texting her as well. Surprises me. They had a horrible relationship before I left. Maybe things are turning for them as well.
Not sure about the engagement ring thing. Hopefully someone will have insight for you...
Happy Tuesday!
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
Glad you are approaching the day with a positive attitude! Me too!
About the rings, I wouldn't worry about it. It's hard to know what stuff means without getting in their head. I complained about my W not wearing hers once a few years back. She said "I'm just as married, ring or not" and I said something like "to me, our rings symbolize our marriage, and it's important to me that you wear it." From that point on, we've kind of understood where each other is coming from on the rings, but unless you've had that talk, I would just not worry about it. I'm not even wearing mine most days now, just simply because I've gotten in better shape this year and it's a size too big.
Breakdown: Im not worried about the ring thing a at all...just FYI, I was just curious if wearing the wedding band but not the engagement ring was some symbol of married but seperated that I wasn't aware of. I didnt think it was, and still dont think it is, I just think its her wanting to have as little of "me" around or on her right now as she can. She also has diamond stud earrings I bought her years ago that she has basically worn everyday since and she's not currently wearing those either. Those things really aren't bothering me at this time, just observations i've made, but I was actually somewhat encouraged by the fact that she's wearing her wedding band daily. It may mean nothing, and may be more so she doesn't get questions from others or from our S11 more than anything else, but it mattered to me.
After about a mile, I am running by the zoo in the shadow of the double rainbow, turn a corner, and CRASH headlong into a woman runner.
When we get up, I realize it's my next door neighbor (we live like 30miles from this park!!!). She is there doing a hash (a run with beer) and invites me to join her. Since I can't find my group I say sure. So we're running along talking (in the shadow of the double rainbow), and she says why don't you come to the end of the run with me (they have a party with beer and food at the end of the runs). So I say sure why not. It's in the old train museum where I guess some of the other hashers work. And they have it open for just the runners. So we get beers and she starts touring me around the museum.
Then she asks me how the family is doing, she hasn't seen us much lately. I tell her that me and W are separated, the kids are doing well, etc. etc. She says oh really, me and my husband are getting divorced too. Then I feel her eyeing me up and down. We're like in this back dark corner of the train museum. She starts with crazy eye contact and saying I should come over to talk about stuff with her and starts touching me. So I say, u know neighbor I really should be going,my running group may be looking for me cause I txt'ed them. She hugs me and repeats that I should come over to talk and I get the hell out of Dodge.
I run back to the starting point of the run and my running group is there. They ask where I was. I answered, "I was in the back of the train museum drinking hash beer surrounded by model trains getting hit on by my divorcing next door neighbor in the shadow of a double rainbow."
^^^ that my friend is what you call Getting A Life!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
2thepoint: I've not made it all the way through your old posts, but i've made it quite a ways and am learning.
As far as what you posted above.....funny is what that story is. It sounds like the beginning of a dear penthouse story I used to read in my 20's and we all know that none of that stuff ever happened. LOL Or someone's dream from the other night.
My dreams are a bit different and much less exciting, mine are simply that my W shows up wanting to talk and says that she wants to try to work things out and that we should see a MC....that is a better dream to me then the teenage dreams of hot triplets and desserted islands.
Ya'll have a great night im gonna go to dreamland myself.
