Divorced.. #2

[Mrs D]

I know what Ive done to him, and I wish I could take all of that back. Sadly, I cant and can only move forward and hope that he will eventually give me that chance again to prove I really am not that person of three years.

I dont mean to demonize her.... I just know who she was before. She hasnt changed much since then. And to be honest, it wouldnt surprise me if she got back with her previous ex. Its happened so many times in the past that everyone expects it.

[Mrs D]

Today was a pretty good day...
I left work early to look at a different place to live. Dont think Im going to take the place because I dont want to get into another year lease. (Just in case things DO work out, and I can move home) After, we went to get all of my sons school supplies, and then to find out who his teacher was. He was very excited his best girl friend that lives across the street from his Dad was going to be in his class. He wanted to call his Dad right away.

After he spoke to his Dad, my son asked my ex if he wanted to talk to me -he said sure. The conversation was merely about how excited our son was, and I ended the conversation shortly after.

Then home for dinner, mowed the lawn, took my son to the park to play for awhile. Then home again for him to shower, put his name in the school supplies. Now bed. All in all a great night.

Still no good night call to our son from the ex, but he didnt ask to take all. I didnt pass the phone ... Im not gonna say anything. Or worry about it.

Friendly. No pouncing. Today was a good day.

[Carnac]

MrsD:
Sounds like a good day for you. I'll be honest with you, my S11 is my world, but I don't call him every night to tell him goodnight and the biggest reason is that to do so i have to call my W. Maybe thats awful of me, but i've told him to call me anytime and since we talk regularly I don't really see a need to call him each and every night...mind you he's here with me at least 1/2 of the time anyway but still don't read too much into him not calling to say goodnight, it really could mean nothing.

And keep working hard on you, i've never been in your exact situation, but like Bond said, i've been on the wrong side of being cheated on and it takes time to trust anyone at all, but especially the one who did it. And as much as you say the thing with the trainer was "only" chatting, I can tell you that an EA can hurt just as bad or worse than the physical part. Its going to take some time for him to come around to trusting you, im dealing with the exact same thing, not because I cheated, but because I was an angry, controlling person who was insecure and jealous....heck that might be worse than cheating im not sure, but my point is its ALOT to overcome in the others mind that you can be trusted whatever kind of transgression you've had.

Have you read any of the posts....can't remember who it is, but its titled study in feral cats I think. Your gonna have to give this time and let him see more and more that you can be trusted. Hope im not sounding harsh because believe me everything I just wrote to you is written for me as well. Patience is hard, doing nothing is hard, but i've always been told that God never told us it would be easy, He told us that it would be worth it. I really think it fits in this situation for sure, it may not be easy, but the personal growth in this is going to be worth it, and hopefully there are other benefits as well.

[Mrs D]

Hey Carnac,
I know I have a long road ahead of me, and Im willing to take each needed step day by day to fix myself, and to fix the damage I have done. I do have alot of trouble with patience though, but I am determined to learn that as well.

I dont think you or anyone here has been harsh at all. Its all reality in the end that Ive made a mess out if our lives, and only have myself to blame. But you are right. God never did say it would be easy. And he did say that it would be worthwhile. In all honesty Carnac, I think God let this happen to me so I would step back and regain myself. The person that HAS been lost for almost three years. If this didnt happen, I KNOW Id still be that selfish, undetermined person. I know it.

[Mrs D]

MrsD:

Have you read any of the posts....can't remember who it is, but its titled stud in feral cats I think. Your gonna have to give this time and let him see more and more that you can be trusted. Hope im not sounding harsh because believe me everything I just wrote to you is written for me as well. Patience is hard, doing nothing is hard, but i've always been told that God never told us it would be easy, He told us that it would be worth it. I really think it fits in this situation for sure, it may not be easy, but the personal growth in this is going to be worth it, and hopefully there are other benefits as well.

How do I find these posts btw? Thanks again Carnac!

[Carnac]

MrsD:
I can tell you that before this started I was a 'christian', but relied on myself for most things. Today I can admit my weakness and that I need God more than ever to get me through so im certain there is some lesson there. Im also completely convicted that it isn't in His plan for divorce to happen, unfortunately He has given all humans free will so relying on Him to restore my marriage is a bit iffy, while I believe prayer helps, at the end of the day my W has free will and can choose to never be married to me again.

Im with you that the road is going to be long and rocky, I keep trying to settle in and relax more for the long road ahead, but im a fixer too and just wish she would say fix XYandZ and we'll move forward. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way for any of us. Im working hard to be patient and wait....heck you should take some solace in the fact that he talks to you....ok sure when he does you tend to push to hard and pursue too much, but at least you get that chance...in my current situation I have to take such small victories as her dropping my boys off this morning at my mothers to catch the school bus like always and that she came inside and chatted with my mom for 5 minutes this afternoon when she picked up S11.....talk about small victories, but as of now i'll take them, those two things have given me enough of a crumb to smile and get some motivation back that I was starting to lose.

[Carnac]

Search Tsquared2 and read some of his early threads....I know their in MLC and its a bit different, but there's alot to be learned from his sitch, and how SLOWLY he had to work to get things moving.

[Mrs D]

Carnac,
Its the fact that we do talk, and that we do get along so remarkably well that my mind starts over thinking leading me to pounce!! I think it would be easier if he didn't talk much to me at all to be honest. Id have a better chance of detaching, thats for sure! And the whole "believe none of what he says, half of what he does" thing throws me to. Like Sunday. As I could see him thinking about everything we were talking about, and I know I see hope... hes telling me no. Sorry. @#$%!!! Ugh....

I have always been a Christian as well, but never asked God for help through prayer much. I know I am relying on him now, big time!! I just want to be that good person I was. And in the end, I just want my family - ALL four of us back together and healthy!!! Half of the battle waz acknowledging my mistakes. The other half is fixing the damage.

I feel so bad for your situation Carnac. I wish I could give you some advice. I think you are doing the right things ... Im just not sure why she isnt reaching out.

[Mrs D]

Sweet! Thanks!! Ill check it out for sure!!

[Carnac]

She has history that tells her not to trust me right now. We talk about believing nothing they say and half of what you see, but our history tells her that i'll change long enough to get her back and then i'll act in my own best interests and won't put her, or our relationship 1st. I understand why she's not reaching out, I dont like it, but I get it.

Here's the thing thats working against both of us so hard right now, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I truly believe that is true, its the "best" predictor, but its not an ironclad thing. People can and do change, but people who actually change are pretty rare, an exception to say the least. So what we're all doing here is fighting agains history, fighting against instincts and intuition and human nature that says we are who we are and that can't be changed.

I have great faith my situation will change for the better one day as long as I do what needs to be done right now, I just don't know when one day is and thats somewhat frustrating, but in the meantime im going to continue working hard to become someone 'that only a fool would divorce' and let her see that from a distance. I had a preacher friend tell me recently to pray hard and expect good results, I like that thought alot and its where I am. But I also remember the story from the movie Facing Giants...have you ever seen it, anyway there is a point in the movie where the coach asks someone if he really believes God sent him there to tell him something and the man tells this story.

In the middle of a drought two farmers are both praying for rain, but only one farmer has gone out to prepare his fields to plant and he asks which of those two farmers do you think believed his prayers had an effect and the coach says well obviously the one who prepared his field and the older man tells him I know you've been praying, but is your field ready.

Thats a pretty bad paraphrase of the story but I think you get the point, you have to pray hard and expect good results, but you also have to do the work in the background necessary to make sure when the time comes that your field is ready.