Careful, you guys. It may not seem so when I'm agonizing over my own sitch, but my head is plenty big enough as it is.
Speaking of agonizing, I'm bringing some of my pre-goal contortions over here so as not to clog the goals thread.
Originally Posted By: zig
SO I want you to write - for yourself - what does it mean for stubborn to imagine stating and achieving those personal goals, without taking anyone else into consideration? How will she state them, how will she act when she is doing them. what will she do or say if they don't suit someone else. what will it take for stubborn to feel that it is completely okay not to want sugar in her food, even if someone else does? why does stubborn get bothered if P gets peeved if stubborn doesn't want it a certain way as P does?
when you show that you respect your body to take care of it, despite what anyone else may think - it's attractive - calm, non-defensive, self-assured "i don't need you to tell me what's good for me, I know that for myself" attitude
But you can't act like that until you feel like that - so let's work on that first okay?
Yes, something is broken. Some of it is just basic codependent fears that need more work. Some of it is tied in with specific past hurts with P. So, even if I know that it's perfectly reasonable for me to choose foods that P finds annoying or inconvenient, there's the big fat association in my head of "P complained about that and then she dumped me." That's a hurdle for me to get over.
To be fair, P said she felt like I was picky about too many details in life. I was usually expressing my opinions and preferences, and she was usually opting to just go along rather than express hers. Eventually, it felt like too much to her and even my reasonable requests felt unreasonable. The truth is that I need to STFU a whole lot more and make more space for P to express herself. That does not mean that I let go of what is really important to me.
My challenge is to identify what's really important and let go of what's not. I hope that if she's not being overloaded by excess demands P will respect and be at ease with the reasonable boundaries I will have. I can't control that. I can only hope. And I do, because the rejection feels really lousy.
From listening to all those Pia Mellody tapes, I see that my urge to control all the details around me is an attempt to minimize my discomfort with the difficulties of life. I've been practicing my new tools for coping on my irritating housemate. I still have a long way to go, but things feel lighter and easier.
Enough detour.
what does it mean for stubborn to imagine stating and achieving those personal goals, without taking anyone else into consideration?
It means letting go. Jumping off a cliff. Facing the possibility of excluding P or causing her to reject me. (Yes, I know. She already has. So much for genius!) There's fear. Core codependent stuff. So, the flip side is that if I do this then I am free of that chain. At least for the moment!
How will she state them?
Simply and confidently.
how will she act when she is doing them?
Quiet, calm, and confident.
what will she do or say if they don't suit someone else?
I can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Then, if it's P, I will grieve the loss of the desire to make allowances and be kind.
what will it take for stubborn to feel that it is completely okay not to want sugar in her food, even if someone else does?
Really I do. I'm stymied by the consequences, though. I understand why P has an unreasonable response to this particular thing. I helped create it and now I get stuck in it.
why does stubborn get bothered if P gets peeved if stubborn doesn't want it a certain way as P does?
I think I answered that one first. Because she dumped me over her peeves.
Okay, enough for tonight. Thanks again for all your help, Zig.
Then, if it's P, I will grieve the loss of the desire to make allowances and be kind.