Divorced.. #2

[Starsky309]

I think hes on rebound with this person. Most rebound relationships dont work.

Why is this any of your concern anymore? It's not your job to take care of him. It never was, but it's certainly not now.

I'm NOT trying to be mean, MrsD, I'm really not. But I don't see how this kind of thinking is going to help you HEAL.


Starsky

[Mrs D]

You are right. Absolutely right. And to be honest, I guess I make it my concern because I do love him. And I know I really screwed things up. And I know that I need to fix myself first. I also know that if he will have me, THIS person I have been for the past few years will never come around again. Im trying to forgive myself for all the hurt that I have placed within our relationship. Within even friends and family relationships.

And also, I guess I still want to take care of him because I have for the past 12 years.... its hard to let go...

[Starsky309]

I know, and I am truly sorry.


((((hugs))))

[Mrs D]

Thanks Starsky. I was very selfish for the past three years. And I know its selfish of me to hope that this is a rebound, and that eventually we can make our relationship the way we were intended. We were happy 9 years plus in our marriage. I know we can get back to that point again - AFTER I fix myself.

I just cringe the thought they are making the memories that I should be making with him - AND my family. So, I pray nightly for patience. I pray nightly for Gods help leading me the way of fixing myself. And I pray nightly to lead my ExH back to me.

If that is the only selfish thing I want ever in my life - Ill be honest - this is it. I would never be selfish about ANYTHING ever again. As wrong as that may be - this is it.

[MrBond]

So what ways have you been showing him that you can be trusted? Again, I would do little things that show trust and openess between the two of you.

[Mrs D]

Hi Bond! First and foremost, I dont speak with the trainer any longer. I have deleted any form of contact with him. I no longer work out with him, or see him as a chiropractor.

Secondly, I deactivated my FB account (although I do get on once a week to see what my daughter is up to on hers - then I deactivate it again). He had huge issues with FB. That was actually where I started talking to the trainer about working out.

Thirdly, I do not speak or GAL with any friends that were not necessarily good people. Those that would ask me to go out all the time, those that I put before my family.

While I was at his place Sunday, some of the discussion was how could he trust me again? I told him I would be completely transparent with my phone, my computer - anything. He still has my passwords to email to this day. And to be honest with you Mr B - he has some type of software that he can read every text I have sent. I have nothing to hide.

I am home most of the time. He installed GPS on my phone before the divorce. Its still on my phone. He can aboslutely see where I am at all times if he really wanted too.

At the golf outing we were in this weekend, I stood around and spoke with my family and close friends most of the time. I watched my niece and fed her during prizes. I didnt go off to talk to anyone that he didnt know. I drank water... Before I would drink alot of beer!

My son comes first before anything. Not saying I didnt put him first before, but in all honesty - I wasnt as good of a mom as I am now? HAte to say that.

I think I have made alot of changes within myself the past four weeks. And they are good changes that in all honestly, I feel REALLY good about.

I asked him the other day if he would just date me - let me show him that I can be trusted again. Let me make him a priority - but its still too soon. Maybe in a couple months I should try again, I dont know.

[MrBond]

Those are all positives and it really does show how much you're willing to prove you're accountable even though you're D'd.

Back off on the date requests. Just show him that you can be a great mom and draw him closer to you that way. It will take time.

Through all this, what does his current GF think about what's going on? I think you need to let him run through that relationship so he can make an honest decision. Have you met her?

[Mrs D]

Those are all positives and it really does show how much you're willing to prove you're accountable even though you're D'd.

Back off on the date requests. Just show him that you can be a great mom and draw him closer to you that way. It will take time.

Through all this, what does his current GF think about what's going on? I think you need to let him run through that relationship so he can make an honest decision. Have you met her?

Thanks. Im sure there are more things that I have done, but these are a good start to what Ive done.

Im not sure what the GF thinks. She doesnt come up. And yes, I do know her. She used to cut his hair 10 years ago? I didnt like her then. I dont like her now. Back then she was eye balling him. Shed flirt with him a bit, touch his arm. Laugh. Made me wanna puke honestly. Then shed turn her flirting to my brother. Thankfully my brother saw through all that and dated his now wife instead. I didnt worry about my ex, cause obviously we were together. But I had her number.

Since then, shes been engaged - he broke it off with her 2 weeks before the wedding. Then two other random men that were rebounding from divorce, and now my ex. Shes been tossed into jail for giving her last boyfriend a black eye!! But my ex still thinks shes a nice girl right now, who "makes him feel as if she wants to be with" him.

[Mrs D]

Those are all positives and it really does show how much you're willing to prove you're accountable even though you're D'd.

Back off on the date requests. Just show him that you can be a great mom and draw him closer to you that way. It will take time.

Through all this, what does his current GF think about what's going on? I think you need to let him run through that relationship so he can make an honest decision. Have you met her?

Good call on the backing off on the date requests btw. i just feel that i could show him more that way...

[MrBond]

""makes him feel as if she wants to be with" him."

Well to be honest, this is a very big clue. For awhile you've shown him that you didn't want to be with him. You would SAY that you did, but you didn't want to give up your OM. To him it showed you didn't really want him.

So she shows him love and affection and most importantly, attention. Demonizing her on your part doesn't do much good. I mean, she's single and is attracted to your XH. You were M and attracted to OM.

I don't mean that to overkill what you did, but it's how he thinks. Even when he's with this GF, he's probably wondering when she's going to cheat on him. Being cheated on is the worst thing in the world because you learn to mistrust everyone. The innocence is gone.