Lost and need some guidance on my next steps

[AlkalineThoughts]

Denver,

Thank you VERY much for reaching out. I'm overwhelmed by the support I'm getting today, and I am truly grateful for any and all advice you guys may have... And thanks for reading over my sitch... Sorry about the great length I always go to, but I'm a writer by trade and by birth, so I truly can't help it!

I'm ESPECIALLY interested in the balancing act, as I know W is very sensitive with things like this, has a tendency to react hastily and with great conviction, and is known to hold grudges for an eternity...

I don't want to undo any of the, at least as I see it, positive progress we've been making, but at the same time, I can't continue to be a doormat or give off the impression that I'm OKAY with what she's doing... I know it's impossible to mind-read and tell if that's what she's thinking, but it scares me that I may be doing more harm than good on my current path...

[Denver_2010]

Denver,

Thank you VERY much for reaching out.

Sorry about the great length I always go to, but I'm a writer by trade and by birth, so I truly can't help it!

Hahaha... I am known around here to be pretty long winded myself. You will see that I used to include detail A LOT of detail in my update posts. For me, this was a journal, and a way to get advice and track progress. I believed that that could be done best by including everything, the good and the bad. I didn't hide much. It is all out there for people here to see.

I'm ESPECIALLY interested in the balancing act, as I know W is very sensitive with things like this, has a tendency to react hastily and with great conviction, and is known to hold grudges for an eternity...

You must be married to a relative of my wife. Sounds just like her.

I don't want to undo any of the, at least as I see it, positive progress we've been making, but at the same time, I can't continue to be a doormat or give off the impression that I'm OKAY with what she's doing... I know it's impossible to mind-read and tell if that's what she's thinking, but it scares me that I may be doing more harm than good on my current path...

We'll see. There is no magic answer Alkaline. Every decision you make regarding strategy, every word that you utter, every contact that you have with W, could make or break what happens here. You just don't know. We do the best we can with the knowledge that we gain here, and with what we know of our spouses and ourselves. That's all any of us can do. You have to move forward with conviction, strength, and with confidence, regardless of how you choose to proceed.

I still haven't gone back and read what is going on with you and your M. Just had a meeting. I will try to do that at some point today.

One question that keeps popping up in my mind based on the posts that I have read about your situation, is WHY are you the better man Alkaline?

I believe that you are, merely because I think that any OM that is willing to mess with another man's W is scum. But WHY do you think so?

[Denver_2010]

Don't miss my question in the above post...

Reading through your original post and just found something that I had to respond to immediately. Otherwise, I will forget.

"she asked me a question: Why didn't I fight for her to stay? This devestated me and I went off on a tangent about how hard I was fighting, how I fought for her all the time while we were together, but I'd come to find out it didn't work, so I decided to let her go and find happiness in central Florida, with the OM or whatever.

I was devastated at my own reaction to her question, as I felt I attacked her and didn't keep my cool. I went to see my therapist yesterday, who advised that instead of continuing to profusely apologize about my actions, I send her a quick email asking if she would be interested if I started persuing her more in the hopes of rekindling our relationship. As she'd initiated the relationship talk, this seemed like a good idea.

She responded to the email telling me that she was glad I'd reacted the way I did because it gave her some answers. She told me that she felt that I never fought for her in our relationship, even though I always told her I'd do anything for her. She felt I didn't fight for her when she had disagreements with my family, when she brought up her unhappiness in south Florida etc. She told me that she cared deeply for me and always wants me in her life, but feels there was too much damage done by both of us to ever fix it. She said she hurt me too much and feels I'll never be able to get past that.

I called her immediately and asked if she wanted to talk about it. She went into a little more detail, about how upset she was over how happy she is in central Florida over the last 3 months without me, about how unhappy she was for the last few years and unfortunately I was a big part of that, and that she can't see us being together again."

This sounds almost identical to some of what my W told me in the early part of our S.

I also find some similarity in that you and you W were only M'd 15 months at the time that she left. My W and I were at 16 months when she left me (17 when she physically left).

I feel that it is important for me to point this out as I go so that you get a sense of the similarity. That might affect how you go about making decisions moving forward.

I don't know a lot about Starsky's sitch. He knows pretty much everything about mine. But I did see that he thought it was 'scary' how similar some stuff sounded. I have to tell you the same thing about yours and mine.

More later.

[AlkalineThoughts]

Thanks Denver.

I feel I'm the better man, quite simply, because of who I am. I am extremely kind-hearted, loyal (sometimes to a fault), smarter-than-your-average-bear, and caring.

I know the above list is rather generic... But I also know that W feels (or at least felt) that way, as she told me such. Even just before she left, W told me that I was the kindest, sweetest person she'd met, that she knows she'll never find anyone who loves her the way I do, and that I'm "Every Girl's Dream Come True"... she just couldn't find her happiness despite being with this "Dream Guy"... Something IC and I hypothesize is because she has a hard time liking who she sees in the mirror...

I know that I would do anything for my W or close friends. I'll gladly put my own wants aside to help someone in need. I'm always trying to make people laugh, and I'm the person that everyone comes to when they have problems and need advice...

I (now) strive to be a better person every day, try hard to learn from my mistakes, and I'm quick to apologize when I've hurt someone.

I think these reasons make me the better person here... Although I might not be as exciting as OM is (especially now) I know that I CAN be extremely exciting, spontaneous, and adventurous... Something that I lost while we were having our issues (and a 180 that's on the list)...

I don't know if that answered your question, but I hope it did!

[AlkalineThoughts]

I don't know a lot about Starsky's sitch. He knows pretty much everything about mine. But I did see that he thought it was 'scary' how similar some stuff sounded. I have to tell you the same thing about yours and mine.

More later.

Thanks Denver! I haven't read through all of your sitch yet either, as I'm at work, but I plan on curling up with a nice bottle tonight and getting to work on catching up!

[Starsky309]

I don't know a lot about Starsky's sitch. He knows pretty much everything about mine.

When you get about 5 hours sometime, Denver, my links are in the "Transparency" thread I started here in Newcomers recently. I think you'll find that you and I are much more alike than different.


Starsky

[AlkalineThoughts]

Oh and Starsky, Thanks a million for reaching out to Denver to help out!

[Starsky309]

You're welcome. I just thought you guys would have a lot in common, and you could benefit from the way he balanced his sitch.

[Denver_2010]

I've read some, if not most, of your transparency thread. I merely meant that I don't know all of the specifics like you do with mine.

And Alkaline... better break out at LEAST 3 bottles of wine and block out about 5 hours if you plan to catch up on mine tonight!

[Starsky309]

I've read some, if not most, of your transparency thread. I merely meant that I don't know all of the specifics like you do with mine.

There are 173 pages of posts by me when I was Chocolateeyes linked in that thread. 1781 pages by me when I was Puppy Dog Tails.


You must read very fast.