I understand completely what you're saying. I'm just not sure if I have the strength to stick with that right now. I know that once I lay that out, I CAN'T go back on that statement.
Doing so would ruin all the hard work... And I'm having a tough time deciding to cut off all communication when things seem to at least be moving toward a positive direction (she's increasing her efforts to reach out, showing curiosity, keeping conversations light and happy, telling me she can't talk when she's had too much to drink as she's afraid she won't be able to control her thoughts and words enough...)
But you've given me a lot to think about... Looking back at her past relationships, she's always chose to be with strong-types of men: Star QB, Firefighter etc... When we first got together, she told me it was my caring heart, sensitivity and quick wit that attracted her to me, as she was tired of dating all the "a-holes"... but as the relationship went on, she told me more than a few times that it was disconcerting to her that she never "had to try"... that I always loved her no matter what she looked like... And now, she's back with the firefighter and... hell you're right, I'm probably giving all sorts of signals of weakness, especially if she knows I know about her A...
Starsky, I think the last paragraph I wrote may have been an epiphany of sorts for me... Although I won't change who I am to turn into some "A-Hole", I can certainly start showing more strength...
And that might be the 180 to end all 180s for me...
I'm going to go deep into thought on this until tomorrow evening, when I see my IC. I'll bounce this off him and see what his reaction to it is...
