Not a very happy story, I'm afraid..

[9600]

Journaling... She went out after work last night. I happened to be on Facebook around 10:15 (she usually gets home around 9:30) and saw a post from her at 9:30 that said "One of these days I'm going to get a speeding ticket just for having Metallica on in the car." So, she's driving to a bar, posting to Facebook and blasting Metallica. Fun girl, but I wish I had been invited. Six months or so ago, I would have been.

I have to admit, seeing this made me really upset. A friend would invite their friends along. A roommate would let the other roommate know that they wouldn't be home right away. So I guess that puts me at "sub-roommate" status.

She came home at about 11:30 and went straight to her bedroom and to bed. I did not pursue any contact last night, and she did not initiate any.

Looking at some other posts from some other people here, I guess this is just the cycle that we're on with the WAW. She initiates come contact, we have a decent evening, then the next night she's a stranger again. I guess I was expecting her to go out Sunday night, and when she didn't, I attached more meaning to it than I should have.

Counseling tonight. We have worksheets to turn in. I have no idea what we're going to talk about. I appreciate the counseling sessions, I think our counselor is very good. She emphasizes that her techniques work when both people are on board, which brings a little bit of pressure to W. Last week I asked W if that was bothering her, if she thought that she was getting too much pressure from our counselor. I offered that we could drop it or go somewhere else, she said no. So, for whatever reason, she's OK with keeping the counseling going. Right now I kind of think it's a waste of time.

I guess the only good thing about counseling is that it enables us to have a talk about the relationship without any one of us taking sides. Today, I don't know what I have to say. I'm still hopeful we can work things out, but I can't do it without W buying in. And her actions lately don't make me think she's going to say "OK I'm in" tonight.

Although... I actually called my W yesterday from work, something I hardly ever do unless there's a good reason. I had a few minutes though, so I just called and chit chatted for about 5 minutes. Kind of felt like I was breaking rule #2. But I realized that calling her from work with no specific purpose to the call is a pretty big 180 for me. And one phone call every once in a while is not a huge pursuit.

I was about to hang up and I thought I heard her say "I love you" before "goodbye." I had already said my goodbye though and hung up before I could think to ask. I had to hang up anyway as I needed to do something at work. But I thought about it for a while. It just seemed odd, she hasn't said that to me in forever. My ears must have been playing tricks on me.

Yesterday and Sunday I made a list of my "more of the same" behaviors and some 180s I could do. I already had a list but I figured I could use more. One of them was sprucing up my looks. My hair is currently very short (shaved my head about a month ago) but it's almost to the point where it could use a trim. I looked up salons online and I am going to try and make an appointment for next week. We have a wedding to attend next weekend so it'll be nice to look good in the tux.