I'm about 99.9% sure she's having a PA. The .1% only exists because she hasn't actually admitted to it, but the evidence is positively overwhelming.
EA/PA to me are practically the same thing... both are devastating to trust, our R, and set a very clear set of things that will need to be addressed if/when she decides to try to give it another go. I don't believe the A is the cause of the issues in our marriage, but a symptom of the issues that festered inside her head and our communications...
The A is not a dealbreaker for me, although obviously the road back to R will be much harder and more complicated now. I've been operating knowing she's having an A... Trying to balance the advice of my IC and DB/DR...
And despite the fact that I might now WANT to hear your feedback on the sitch, I think I may NEED to... As it seems you have been in a similar situation and were able to find your way through it.
EA/PA to me are practically the same thing... both are devastating to trust, our R, . . .
I've been operating knowing she's having an A... Trying to balance the advice of my IC and DB/DR...
And your response to this belief has been to pursue her?
Have you ever told her -- by word or more importantly by your actions -- that you are unwilling to live in an open marriage? Or, I like how Denver puts it, "I will not be a part of your life so long as OM is a part of it" ??
Feel free to read my sitch; the links to it are on my "Transparency" thread on this same Newcomers forum (might have to scroll back a few pages to find that thread).
I only give maybe one of those "4 Whistles Awards" a month. This post to you ^^^ was PURE GOLD, and I hope you're following it. I'm about to read the rest of your sitch to get caught up to date . . .
I'll second that. Lots of great stuff in there mate.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
And your response to this belief has been to pursue her?
Have you ever told her -- by word or more importantly by your actions -- that you are unwilling to live in an open marriage? Or, I like how Denver puts it, "I will not be a part of your life so long as OM is a part of it" ??
Starsky
Those words have not come out of my mouth, and clearly my actions haven't purveyed that message.
The thing I'm struggling with most, I believe, is the disparate advice on being a friend and person that W would be a fool to leave and breaking off all contact until OM is out of the picture.
IC suggests that she's off exploring a long-standing "Star-Crossed Lovers" situation which may be exactly what is needed to finally end her vast confusion and decide to either leave or give it another go. In the meantime, I'm working through as many of my issues as I can while maintaining a line of communication.
As I'm sure you can easily tell from my waffling throughout the situation, I am having a very hard time contemplating cutting off all communication, or even confronting her in such a black-and-white way as to tell her that I'll have nothing to do with her life as long as OM is in the picture... It seems like an ultimatum to me, something I know that she never responds well to...
Those words have not come out of my mouth, and clearly my actions haven't purveyed that message.
The thing I'm struggling with most, I believe, is the disparate advice on being a friend and person that W would be a fool to leave and breaking off all contact until OM is out of the picture.
***I believe it's possible to do both.
IC suggests that she's off exploring a long-standing "Star-Crossed Lovers" situation which may be exactly what is needed to finally end her vast confusion and decide to either leave or give it another go.
***I personally could never be someone's backup plan. Maybe that's just me, but let me ask you this: How confident are you that your wife knows that you know (that she's having an affair)?
As I'm sure you can easily tell from my waffling throughout the situation, I am having a very hard time contemplating cutting off all communication, or even confronting her in such a black-and-white way as to tell her that I'll have nothing to do with her life as long as OM is in the picture... It seems like an ultimatum to me, something I know that she never responds well to...
I would encourage you to reach out to Denver2010, and to read his sitch. There is a way to balance this, and he did it extremely well.
I will, however, say that I think (like a lot of people) you are having a difficult time understanding the difference between an ULTIMATUM, and a BOUNDARY. Rather than try to give you my own take on it, I will copy and paste a recent post from a friend of mine, who illustrated it far better than I think I've ever seen (just change the gender to fit your sitch:
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.
If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.
